Very upset and not sure how to to handle this situation

Well, its not really your problem? Its not like she invited them to the actual wedding. Shes throwing a party

Just don't show, and FMIL will look like an idiot.

You need to say something. People who are not invited to the wedding shouldn't be invited to pre wedding parties, and you need to tell FMIL this info.

I agree, I'd want her to cancel it. But you're going to have to say something to her. The only good news is it will be her mess to clean up.

Woah, your FH needs to talk to his mom and set it straight. It is not OK to invite people who the couple do not want invited.

Honestly, if she gets embarrassed, let that be a lesson to her. And she should be the one cancelling the invites.

EDIT: rereading it's just a party. I would still make it clear to her and it's unfortunate that this "celebration" may send mixed signals to those guests who won't be invited to the destination wedding.

Either your FH or both of you need to have a talk w her. She should respect your wishes, and if you guys dont want the big party- its her responsibility to cancel

I know it violates etiquette to invite people to the party who aren't invited to the wedding, but I would rather have people think it was crass than have a fight with my FMIL, who is probably already pretty upset that you aren't having a traditional wedding and is using this as her replacement. I doubt that many people would bring wedding gifts. It's more likely for the host to get small gifts like flowers, candles, etc. at these type of parties where I live.

I declined an engagement party from my mom over a year ago and she still cries about it on a regular basis. I kid you not. It's legitimately been a huge issue and torn us apart because she can't let it go. So while the tacky suprise engagement party is definitely not ideal and it's for sure crass, this may not be a battle worth fighting.

It's not just a party, it's a party to specifically celebrate us getting married, which I don't think is right if those people aren't invited to the actually party to celebrate us getting married (a.k.a the wedding and reception). Not just that alone, but from looking at the photo FI's cousin sent us and looking up the the venue (it's big), its going to be a more lavish party than our little beach thing.

It sounds like your FMIL is excited and wants to celebrate your wedding with her family. I'm sure most people that come will be understanding and just want to celebrate. Since she planned the event and sent the invitations, it should be pretty clear that any etiquette violation is on her. . Post wedding receptions are pretty common and this doesn';t seem much different.

We haven't really talked to her yet since we got the text from FI's cousin. Still trying to decide what to do. But the venue on the invitation holds 100-250 people. I guess I don't care if it happens before or after the wedding, so much as I feel like this is going to eclipse our wedding and I really really feel bad if people bring gifts for us.

FI and I don't have a lot of money and we don't like being in the center of attention. We're going to feel real guilty in a room of 100 people all there to celebrate our marriage when we didn't invite any of them to our actual wedding

Ps: we're going to Cabo too!

I HATE surprise parties! Obviously, she doesn't have your best interests in mind, but hers.

I've been dealing with a FMIL who means well but wants wedding things to happen her way. My best advice is to say "no" now. Letting one thing go that makes you uncomfortable only opens the door for more things in my experience thus far.

Lyla - Sorry to hear that! FMIL reacted the same way when we told her we didn't want a big wedding. I personally don't understand it - it's not like it's her wedding and it's not like FI's her only child. She just threw a huge $70,000+ wedding for my FSIL about a year and a half ago. I couldn't believe it when she started crying when we said we wanted a small destination wedding.

FI and I are both students still and we'll both have a lot of debt coming out of college. This trip was going to be our first time out of the country and we are excited about it. We've also been saving very carefully to pay for our handful of guests' all inclusive packages. Now it's all blown out of the water.

I definitely think people are going to think it's tacky and gift-grabby. Maybe not family members but if its over 100 people...

I'm not understanding how this party is blowing your plans out of the water. Nothing has changed with your DW plans. Your DW will still be the highlight since that is where the actual wedding is taking place. FMIL is gifting you a party to celebrate with the family. You are not out any $$ for this party, and if she crossed the line of etiquette then that is on her. Since it is happening before the nuptials, it's really just like a big shower. Take a step back and be grateful for the gesture.

^Agreed.

ETA: trying to say exactly what WED said above, but less eloquently. No it isn't. I understand your frustration, but FMIL having this party will not overshadow or ruin your intimate wedding. You can attend this monstrous party, and then have your beautiful small carefully planned ceremony that will be your wedding day. Your wedding day cannot be ruined just because of a different party and drama before hand. Your FMIL isn't capable of ruining your wedding day because you get to choose that one day and how it goes down.

Given that this party is a "surprise" for you, you have nothing to be embarrassed or worried about etiquette, gifts, and your guests.

I think under the circumstances it makes you look gift grabby which is very unfair to you.

WED1819, but it's not what they wanted. OP, it's no accident that your FMIL is making it a surprise. That way, you'll have no choice in the matter. That's a super shady thing to do. Your FI needs to call her out on this or you will spend a lifetime dealing with this type of thing.

Talk to her about it - Tell her this is not what you want - and if she doesn't cancel it herself - I still say just don't show up

I'm sorry, Carly, that sounds stressful. It's extra hard because you understand she is trying to be kind but has created an awkward situation for you, and of course you don't want to offend her or your FI's family. Is it obvious from the invitation that this is a surprise party? If so, then I think that gets you off the hook a bit with the guests who are invited to the party but not the wedding. I know it is against etiquette to have people who are not invited to the wedding attend any wedding related party, but if they know it is a surprise for you they might realize not to necessarily expect an actual invitation later - especially for a small destination wedding. If the party does happen you can make that a talking point of the evening, how your plans for a small and intimate wedding are coming together.

Whatever happens, don't scrap your plans or change the vision you have, this is a hiccup and you may have some awkward conversations ahead but this absolutely does not blow your plans out of the water!

ETA and totally not the point of your post at all, but I'm really curious how she planned to get you and FI to this surprise party. Is it soon?

Kittycow, I don't think it could possibly make OP look gift grabby when FMIL is being clear that this party is surprise for OP and FH.

They had no say in it, didn't approve any of it, and didn't even know it was happening. All of the guests will know the planning, and any etiquette issues, belong to FMIL.