[vent/advice Requested] Parents Demanding Invitation Wording... But They're Not Paying

Ouch, they're being petty as heck about this, and I'd sorry to hear it. Are you able to decline their money entirely and do it yourselves?

If they would rather not have their names on the invitation, accommodate them.

"Together with their parents..."

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We can, but it'd be a strain on our finances. We budgeted - and invited! - based on the the gift they gave. To be honest, I think giving back the money at this point would incite them even further.

I am not going to comment on the petty part because that is not my place. However your wording is correct since what they gave you is not covering the full cost and unfortunately they cant get full responsibility since their gift didn't cover all. Can you give them a run down on what their gift actually did cover, even though I know you said you don't feel comfortable giving them that information. Sorry you are dealing with this.

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No, they're saying the want it wiped completely, as in

{my name}
and
{FH's name}
Invite you to blah blah blah

Yeah I would absolutely be annoyed. I think what you have is a pretty nice compromise. What are they proposing? Is there any way to further compromise on it? Also, I would say to stick to your guns but if this is something that is really important to them (and they are not trying to control most other aspects of the wedding) I would just let it go. If you really feel that strongly about it, give them their money back and plan it on your own.

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They're proposing
{my parents name}
invite you to the wedding of their daughter
{my name}
to
{FH's name}

I didn't think that I would care so much, but the idea of ignoring the face we're spend our own money, and I'll add is not an insignificant amount of money, really rubs me the wrong way. Unfortunately we're a little too late to give back the money as we've budgeted and invited based on the combined amount. It'd be a strain on our finances to give it back.

The invitation should reflect that both your parents and you guys are hosting this wedding because you're both contributing financially. Your title seems misleading, though. They ARE paying, and yes, that means they get input on the invitation wording. I think, however your invitation wording accurately communicates who is paying for and hosting this event: you, FH, and your parents. It's unfortunate that they're upset they're not paying for the whole event, though. We're they under the impression they were paying fir the whole thing this whole time and are just now finding out you decided to chip in, too? I can understand them being a little disappointed if you were letting them believe they were paying for the whole thing (making then the hosts) and they only found out because of the way your invitation was worded. Perhaps being upfront that you intended to also contribute money to your budget from the beginning would have been a better way to hand a delicate situation like this.

I will say that although your invitation wording accurately reflects who is paying/hosting, I've never seen an invitation worded like this. When "together with" is used, I've always seen this:

Together with their families,
Bride's Name
&
Groom's Name
invite you to....

When the bride's parents are listed, I've only seen the following wording, and it's because the bride's parents are hosting the event:

Mr. & Mrs. Smith
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage if their daughter,
Bride's Name
to
Groom's Name

I see why you mixed the two formats, but I've never seen it before, and that makes me think it's a little awkward. I think, though, your parents aren't as upset about the unusual wording, but they are mostly upset that they thought they were the hosts of this wedding and this wasn't exactly the most gentke way to break that news to them.

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Like I said in my original post, they're upset about the optics of them not solely funding the wedding, which comes out in the wording of the invitation. They always knew we were contributing, perhaps not to the extent that we did. They gave us the money as a lump sum in the beginning of our wedding planning process and they acknowledged it was not enough to fully fund a wedding. I've seen the mixed formats several times before and have never thought it was awkward, for what it's worth.

Both your parents and you as the couple are contributing and both couples should get credit. It’s not fair to either one of you to be left off just so the other side can “save face”.

View Quoted Comment You are contradicting yourself with your comments. Your last comment said they wanted to take their names off the invite completely. Which one do they want. Full credit or none?
I would give them the option of completely taking their names off the invite or using your original wording.

Honestly, for me, this wouldn't be a hill to die on. Do you really need "credit" for paying for your own wedding? I'd personally just give them what they want. They're paying for half your wedding and that is very generous.

Which do they want? You have said they want off the invite completely then said they want to do all the inviting. Personally - people get WAAAAY too whipped up over invites. People read them, put the date in their phone or date book and recycle it.

Don't die on this hill.

You are a grown woman, order the invites you want, the wording of together with their parents is the best option considering the circumstances.

Reason #11 why hubby and I paid for our own wedding.

View Quoted Comment Sorry I wasn’t more clear. I originally proposed “together with”, they flipped out, said they should be listed as the sole hosts. I said no, that’s disrespectful to FH and it’s disingenuous. They said fine, we don’t want our names anywhere on the invite, which is honestly hurtful to me.

for those saying it’s a stupid fight, I think it’s really disrespectful to my FH to let me parents steamroll him and pretend as if they’re fully funding something that they’re not. The extra money comes solely from his salary, not mine.

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Honestly, if it's really that important to him to have the credit, he probably should have just paid for it himself. This seems so silly to me. Your parents are extremely generous paying for a party in your honor. Your FH is paying for his own party. I can see why your parents are upset.

This is tough because I've found a lot of templates where the couple is contributing, as well as both sets of parents. But the traditional wording seems to be what's most commonly used when it's just the bride's parents + couple. And you're correct, that wording does sound like it's the bride's parents footing the entire bill & therefore hosting the event.

Would they settle for something like this?

Together with their families

Your name

daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Your Parents
and
Your FH
son of Mr. and Mrs. His Parents

To me it reads more like the families are supportive of the marriage and still indicates that the couple is the one doing the hosting, but also looks like the more traditional layouts.

View Quoted Comment It wasn’t. It was important to split the credit, which is what we’re trying to do in the invite. I’m not really sure why you’re getting so rude (saw your original comment before you deleted it) about us wanting to our invitation to accurately reflect the reality of the situation.

and actually, it’s not him, it’s me. I think it’s incredibly rude of my parents to want to take credit for a event that they haven’t spent more than 90 seconds planning nor are funding.

View Quoted Comment Right. Is FH as upset as you are?

eta: do you really want your parents planning your wedding? I don't. If you are this upset about a relatively small detail in the grand scheme of your wedding, I can't imagine why you would want their hands in the rest of planning.

View Quoted Comment We’ve suggested that, and they were up in arms because it made it seem as if FHs parents were contributing to the wedding (they’re paying for rehearsal dinner and farewell brunch, but those are separate invitations).

To me, I think that would have been a perfect solution. I think their resistance to that and virtually anything but their names only make me think they’re being petty and honestly rude about it.

View Quoted Comment He’s not, but he hasn’t had a few decade of my parents to get him the point I’m at with them

i dont have a super super close relationship with my parents and we don’t see eye to eye on a lot. Hey have a history of being strange with money and using it to control outcomes (example: they only would pay for college if I choose a major and internships they approved of - I declined). When they offered money for the wedding, we originally declined, but they insisted and gave us a lump sum and didn’t bring it up again. I probably should have seen this coming, but that ship has sailed.