Vent: Brother is probably not coming to our wedding...

I didn't get to go to my Grandfather's funeral because of a grad school expectation. I begged and cried but my advisor was not sympathetic. He told me that "this is what the real world looks like." I could go to the funeral and expect to face serious, academic career ending consequences or I could stay put.

My advisor was an @sshole from hell but he is not the only one who exists in academia. I know it sucks but your brother may really be in a tight situation. Even if a later test date exists there's the possibility that someone would hold it against him for missing the earlier date.

@kipi as much as I hate to say it, apples and oranges. Your grandfather's funeral would have come up suddenly vs this where there is plenty of notice. With that kind of notice there is almost no reason an adviser or professor wouldn't work with you. It's harder with shorter time frames. Either was your adviser is a real ass for that. Almost every employer would give you time off for the funeral of a family member.

@FutureMrs.G sure you don't want me to try? I'm really good at pestering until he would listen. If only to get me to shut up and go away I'm blessed with my siblings. They are all steps and a few of us (my sister and I) had rocky relationships at first, but this brother and I have always been close-we're the babies and only 4 years apart. Also we're a weird family unit-I go to their mother's house for a lot of holidays and she just sent me the sweetest bridal shower gift since my sister is going into labor so she flew out to Utah vs coming to the shower like she had expected. Also my dad's ex-wife was originally co-hosting my shower until she had a health problem-as i said weird family unit over here. I guess my word vomit should conclude booo and hiss on your brother. for serious.

@stacy not really apples and oranges... a wedding is a planned event where a day was specifically chosen that could conflict with finals, where a funeral is not planned. If anything as a teacher I'd have significant more sympathy for a student missing class for a (going through hard times) funeral than a (fun) wedding.

OP your comment has proven my point further. You obviously don't think highly of your brother, so why do YOU care if such a loser comes to your wedding?

ETA I also waited to pick a day for my wedding that I knew would not conflict with graduation for my friends who were still in college. This information is released one year in advance, and could have easily been obtained by a quick e-mail to the school's academic advising department before picking a date if you were worried about VIPs attending

Dear Future Mrs. G. I do have to agree with Emily that the description you give about your brother does not sound very positive at all. I really hope the description is only coming out because you feel hurt and disappointed and it is not really the way you feel about your brother. On the other hand, you are being a little selfish and self centered too. While your wedding is the most important day in your life, just like mine is the most important day in my life for any given reason, the final your brother needs to take is very important to him. Please be understanding about the fact too that he is not being there because he has something important for his personal growth to accomplish. Enjoy your beautiful day and wish him luck in his final.

@E*mc2, my point was unexpected vs long planned. One of those is usually easier to work around, reason not with standing.

My brother's final schedule wasn't released until last month. We booked the venue almost a year ago. You can't always plan around everyone even when you try your best.

As someone who attended a pretty rigorous graduate program (medical school), I have to say that your understanding and appreciation for how it works isn't really realistic. You and posters keep saying "he isn't even trying." Trying to do what? He knows the policy and so do you because you looked it up yourself -- he has to take a short answer exam if he misses the scheduled final. He doesn't want to do that (for good reasons; I certainly wouldn't have in med school). What about this suggests he needs to try anything? What would you like him to try exactly? Policies at these types of professional schools are non-negotiable. So I'm not sure what you want him to try that he's refusing?

Also, I don't know anything about chiropractic school, but our med school finals were 5 hours in length. If you asked me to take a 5-hour short answer exam about, say, renal physiology, because I'd have to miss the final to attend your wedding ceremony, I'd tell you I'm really sorry, but that just isn't possible.

Emily - It was not intentional; we didn't even find out the exact date of his finals until this week. There wasn't even an academic calendar available until months after we had already booked the venue. It aucks but this is the way his school functions. There is a span of 1.5 weeks that his finals could have fallen on once the academic calendar was released and it just so happens that one final fell on that Friday; the schedule for which which was just released this week. He may make selfish choices but he is still my brother. It means a lot to my mother and grandmother that he attend. Like I said before, I want him there but this is hurting my family more than me and that upsets me for them.

Maria C. - Unfortunately, my description is accurate and anyone in my family would corroborate. It does not, however, mean that my family loves him less or does not want him in attendance at my wedding. He can be very selfish. My mom had a torn Achilles and he chose to ignore her requests for help repositioning the couch so he could stay in the basement and play video games. She broke her foot while installing a new fence and he refused to help her finish, saying it was her mess...even though he lived there too. He lived rent free, had all his meals made and his laundry done for him and charged my mom interest when she had to borrow grocery money when she was unemployed. I said that I can certainly respect that academics are very high on your list, but not at the expense of your family. I can take him hurting just me, but he's hurting our mother and grandmother too.

It sounds like he's being pretty selfish but why did you plan the wedding for the beginning of June? Semester schedules get out in May and Quarters get out at mid to end of June.

Elizabeth - When I said "try," I just wanted him at the very least to tell his professor the situation and see what happened. If the professor said no, then at least you tried. That's it. Just ask the darn professor if there's anything he can do. Maybe he will be sympathetic. If not, then that's that. It would mean a lot more than just not even bothering to ask, as if the wedding isn't even worth he breath to ask. (It's also a 3 hour final and he usually finishes them in 45 minutes. Not saying that's what will happen with this one, that's just his track record. He's a very good student.)

Again, maybe he knows that academic policy is non-negotiable. And for what it's worth, in my med school, we didn't have one professor's exam. It was a department exam, which is why it was so long. And no, there were no exceptions to policy. I could see them maybe making an exception for a funeral, but never for a wedding, despite what was said above.

Gaby - He is on trimesters and it was his first year at this school so no one was really sure how it would go. My grad school has 5 terms in the year as opposed to two or three. My friend was on semesters and she finishes beginning of May; another friend is on quarters and she finishes end of May. It varies a lot based on institution. We looked up past academic calendars for his school and the prior years finished end of May/first day or two of June. Nothing went as late as halfway into June, so we were hoping it wouldn't be an issue. Obviously, we were wrong...

Elizabeth - I get that, but what harm is there in asking? The worst they say is no.

I'm going to go agains what most others said. While yes, it sucks he can't make it, and you have every right to be sad about that, if I were in his shoes, I wouldn't go from a multiple choice test to a short answer. There are WAY too many variables you don't know.

If I was taking a final that had so much riding on it (chiropractic license), I would not be leaving my grade up to a professor's discretion. Multiple choice is cut and dried. Short answer allows a professor to pick an answer apart, especially if they don't like your brother for some reason.

This is your wedding. It's never going to be as important to anyone else as it is to you. His career and future is tied up in his grades, and that is obviously more important to him than your wedding. You are essentially asking him to risk his future to attend your wedding.

@FutureMrs.G that makes sense. ETA: Needs to be mandatory or something for schools to publish calendars sooner. :/

It's not a matter of just going up to a professor if his school is like mine. It's about contacting the curriculum department and, knowing that the policy is non-negotiable, asking them for special accommodations with the implication that while you know the policy is there and that it applies to everyone, you're a special snowflake who needs a special exception. There's a reason there's a policy. It's to keep things fair between all students, which is important.

It's OK that your brother's priority is school. That's his prerogative. His life, his choice, yada yada...

As someone whose priority is family, I completely understand why you're upset.

Nobody's wrong. You just have different priorities. It's just a shitty situation.