Vent: Brother is probably not coming to our wedding...

I, myself, have Bachelor’s Degrees in English and History; I graduated with honors and as a member of two national honors societies and I am currently working toward my Master’s Degree in English and, eventually, my Doctorate to teach at the collegiate level. My brother is a licensed massage therapist and he’s currently out of state (a 3 hour drive) working toward becoming a chiropractor. We’re both extremely busy and school takes up a lot of our lives, so I can *certainly* sympathize with his desire to do well academically, but we had a conversation yesterday that really hurt me.

We had to wait until this week for him to get his finals schedule for this trimester. FH and I planned our wedding date (6/10/16) more than a year out, so it was impossible to try to plan it around everyone’s schedules. We hoped that most schools would be out at that time. No such luck. My brother found out he has 1 final that day that is slated to end at about 4:00. With the 3 hour drive back to our state, he would miss the ceremony completely and catch most of the reception. My mother has asked him to speak to his professors immediately and see if there is any way to reschedule (i.e. take an early exam or something like that). We hoped that if he spoke to them right away then they won’t think he’s making things up to get out of the final. I offered to send him his invite now to bring in as proof. He absolutely refuses to even ask his professor about the policy regarding something like this. He basically said, “I’m sending back the shirt and tie you bought me. I won’t be coming. End of story.” He doesn’t even want to show up for part of the reception. He’s slated to be an usher in the wedding, which is not what I’m hurt about. I was more so hurt that my little brother wasn’t even making an effort to see if there’s a possibility that he might come to the wedding.

I looked up his school’s test policy and, after I did so, he finally admitted that there’s the opportunity for him to take the exam on 7/11/16, but it would change from multiple choice to short answer and he “doesn’t want to do short answer.” My way of thinking is this: Yes, school is *absolutely* a priority, but you essentially have an extra month to prepare for the short answer exam (during break in between terms, I might add, so it’s not like other classes would even interfere with studying) if you ask your professor to let you take the exam in July. Why can’t you even ask him if this is a possibility? Our entire family was really looking forward to have him home – we won’t have seen him for 6 months by the time the wedding comes around – and we were hoping to have some nice family photos done. My grandmother is pushing 80 and her health isn’t all that good. She wants desperately to see my brother, but this means nothing to him. If he could only have seen the joy on her face when I told her I would ask the photographer to take a photo of all of her children and grandchildren (we haven’t all been in the same place at the same time since probably 2003). It’s one thing if there is not the slightest possibility of taking a makeup exam, but there is. He has flat out said this event (his only sibling’s wedding) is not a big deal and him coming wouldn’t “accomplish anything.”

What I am trying to say is that I am completely sympathetic to the stress that school places on someone – I have been there too – but if you have the option of attending an important family event and it only puts a little bit of inconvenience on you, then why wouldn’t you be selfless? If not for me, then for our mother and grandmother? If I was in his situation, I would postpone the test in a heartbeat to be there for him. It would be different if there was NO WAY to take the exam on a different date, but there is. This is turning into a big mess and he’s hurting everyone. He’s always been selfish, but it’s just never hurt this many people at the same time before. The consensus is that he just doesn’t want to do the drive and take time away from his personal life. My mother is very upset because it was just the three of us for so long; she wants her son there when she gives me away. We haven’t told my grandmother yet, but she will undoubtedly be crushed.

There’s still time to get this resolved and my mother is going to try to convince my brother to come home for the wedding. I hope it works out!

I understand you're upset but I think you are being a little hard on him. In the end he knows what's going to work for him and what want. And in my experience when someone takes a test late a lot of professors do every human can to make it as hard as possible for all you know this actually could interfere with a great many things was his education. I know it seems to you that he can just take the test later it's probably not that simple. And for him indicating end of story he's probably tired of talking about it you're probably not the first person that's come to him on this matter. Much as everyone would love it, the world doesn't stop for wedding

planning. There's no guarantee that the school would even necessary let him take this test late. I know it stinks, but this is your brother's called and it sounds like he made it regardless as to how old relatives are, or how much anyone was looking forward to this to him being at this wedding

Oh honey, I completely understand your hurt and disappointed. However, you can't impose what you would do and what your priorities are onto another person.

Your brother may not do well on short answer questions, no matter how well he is prepared. He wants to give himself the best chance of success.

I would say, at least he has a valid excuse for not attending. My only sister decided to go on a church trip that was scheduled after she knew my wedding date. She has completely pissed off members of my family (who previously thought she could do no wrong). I'm of the opinion that I don't want anyone there that that does't want to be there.

I hope you can find a way to be ok with your brother's decision and not let it destroy your relationship.

Ugh! My brother is trying to move his final up a day so he can come to our rehearsal. I told him not to worry about it even though he's still trying. He's currently scheduled to come in the day before the wedding unless something changes.

School is important, but his refusal to even try? That's just so rude and selfish. I'm so sorry @FutureMrs.G I'd be happy to go read him the riot act if you thought it would make it any better.

I'm sorry you're in this situation I bet you were really looking forward to having him and will really miss him in your wedding.

Just a comment on the test part. I don't know him so I can't speak about him, but some people are bad test takers. My brother is one of those. He can answer mechanized questions but he's horrible at open questions, even if they're short answer-based. He could answer stuff like "take the derivative of X" or "list the last ten presidents" but he was never able to do things like "use calculus to figure out how a farmer could maximize his profit if...". Again, I don't want to presuppose your brother is like mine, but maybe he just has way too much trouble with the other type of test and he fears he'll damage (or affect) his career if he forces himself to take that test.

I completely understand my brother doesnt think he will make it home for my wedding because on a whim he reenlisted into the marines and will be stationed in Japan. He said he does not want to waste the money coming home and would rather focus on himself then my day because to him my day is not worth a plane ticket home.

Sometimes you just have to accept that some people only care about themselves and if that is how he feels then maybe you should just leave him alone because I am sure that your parents and family have reached out to him just as much and he is probably sick of it. But still he is your only brother and you only get married once so he should be there to support you.

Eh, I'm going to be the voice in here that says what he's doing just sucks. If he misses it he will come to deeply regret it later in life since his ability to attend was under his control. There will always be exams, there will always be work, there will always be some dumb part of everyday life that will get in the way of the special once-in-a-lifetime day if you let it. He's just not trying hard enough, and that's obviously what hurts you the most.

I am more hurt for my family. Of course I want him there – he’s still my little brother – but it’s hurting our mother that he “can’t make the effort” (her words) and we’re scared to tell my grandma because she’s so looking forward to seeing him. My grandma was the first person to ever call him out on his selfish behavior, but it’s never really directly affected her before. She’s been planning on these family pictures and dreaming about them. It’s going to destroy her if he doesn’t come. I love my grandma and I’m protective of her, so his hurting her and my mother makes me more upset than his actual lack of attendance.

Kimi – I’m sorry that your sister did that to you. You’re right; at least my brother has a decent excuse.

stacydiane.ox – I’m glad your brother is at least trying! Lol, you’re sweet. I would totally let you read him the riot act, but he’s super good at tuning people out.

VC – I definitely appreciate your input. I know he’s enrolled in very difficult courses and short answer definitely makes things harder – especially on medical and anatomy exams, but he’s generally always been an all-around decent test-taker.

Desireecox – I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with something similar… Unsupportive siblings suck! It's one thing if it's impossible for them to be there; it's another thing if they won't at least try.

Kmess – It does suck. You’re right; there’s always going to be something that comes up. He has the opportunity to make everyone happy here and he simply does not want to try. I’m afraid we’re all going to look at these pictures one day and see him missing and still be hurt by his selfishness.

Even if he's not a good test taker, I totally get where you're coming from. My brother can be a bit self-absorbed too and has hurt our feelings in the past. It's sad when people are too focused on themselves to realize they have an effect on other people's feelings. Even if he really, truly couldn't do the short-answer exam, he could have at least acknowledged your feelings, and your mom's and grandma's. I'm sorry you guys are hurt about this hugs!

So I think you have a right to be upset... And it sucks. And I'm glad you realize school is important.

But. I think it's douchey of him not to even ask... But. You can't make him unfortunately. Sucky situation.

Thanks for the hugs, VC! They’re appreciated

I'm sorry, that just sucks. Unfortunately, you can't force someone to be there for you. Hopefully your mom and grandmother can still enjoy the day and celebrate with everyone who does show up for you,

I'm glad you can sympathize on how school is, but it still sucks that he won't even try. His schedule may not allow him to take it earlier and the short answered version might lower his chances of success greatly, but I understand how it can be frustrating that he's not even making an attempt and won't even talk to the professor to take it earlier that same day or something. At my alma mater, if you notified the professor of something like this they worked with you, and they sometimes even gave you the exact the same exam.

The situation sucks either way, it may not work for him to talk to the professor even if he did. I'm sorry.

Let me say first that I totally get where you're coming from. This sucks and I would be really hurt, too, but was there really no academic calendar more than a year out? I just referenced my own academic calendar and I can tell you when final exams week is for summer session of 2017. Could this have been avoided?

I think it sucks that he won't even try. You mentioned that your grandma called him out before? I know you want to shelter her, but maybe a passionate plea from Grandma might persuade him to try? Or try visiting him in the next week or two and making a plea in person? If it's only 3 hours, that'd be my next plan of attack. My brothers and I aren't particularly close, and they live an hour and a half away. They're driving 33 hrs. cross-country to come to our wedding. But if one of them told me they couldn't make it, I'd be driving down to ask them in person to change to their mind.

ETA: Another option would be to see if there's another class session besides his. If there is, then maybe he could take it with them if that schedule works better.

SequinTableRunner - Nope, there was no academic calendar at the time. As a grad student myself, I’m used to having to plan my life around school. After checking my own schedule (for which there was an academic calendar posted), I made sure to check his school’s website for a finals schedule/academic calendar for scheduling conflicts. Unfortunately, at the time we set the date and booked the venue more than a year out, there was no calendar for that far out. Even then, there are about 1.5 weeks of finals and his finals could have landed on any one of those days. A few months later, we learned the dates for the trimester, but we didn’t know the dates of his final exams until his classes started this week. It’s a sucky situation.

Future Mrs. G, Kimi, and Desireecox,

I totally understand your pain and stress. My brother and sister are not making an effort to be supportive or attend my wedding (which is the same weekend as Future Mrs. G's wedding). I will pray for you that his actions don't spoil what should be one of the happiest days of your life. All of us on WW are here to support you! I am just praying that God can give me the strength to realize that this is their decision and there is nothing that I can do about it. I will keep ya'll in my prayers as well.

Maybe he doesn't want to come to your wedding because you call him self-centered, selfish, and babied? I wouldn't go to anybody's wedding who said those things about me.

Emily - It is an agreed-upon fact when he exhibits such behavior on a consistent basis. He would rather play video games and turn down his mother's request for help moving her couch over 3 feet when she has a torn Achilles tendon. Pretty selfish, I’d say.