*Update in comments* NWR: best friend in love with an engaged man

Ew but it's really not your business.

I wouldn't let her bring him in my apartment, that's for sure.

@fairest I definitely agree. I don't want to be involved at all, I just feel really weird when he's here. Like today he was literally here all day long and I just felt so uncomfortable. I don't want it to affect our friendship but I'm also extremely disappointed in her for doing this and don't know how to get past that.

Oh wow. I'm sorry to hear this. Bet this is putting you in a very uncomfortable situation. And it is your business to some extent, that being that she's your friend and she should be respecting who she brings over. And it puts you in a bad situation because your morals are shouting that this is wrong. Maybe try to bring it up to her that you feel conflicted and her relationship with him is making you feeling morally wrong or uncomfortable. If she doesn't want to stop seeing him, maybe ask that she doesn't have him over anymore. Best of luck..

Keep us updated?

@krysta if there's any developments for sure. I think right now all I can do is explain how this all makes me uncomfortable and ask that she not being him over while I'm here, or at least not take up the whole apartment when I'm here.

No way. You can’t stop her from doing something idiotic like this but you should not be enabling it by letting it carry on in your own home.

Am I the only petty princess who would sit in the kitchen with them and ask how he proposed, what the ring looks like, what his FS's name is, where they are getting married, if they are registering anywhere...etc?

1. Your friend can do better than a man with a compulsion to lie and deceive. No one should ever settle to be the other person. She should strive for someone who values her commitment enough to be public with their relationship.

2. That FS deserves to know what their FH does in his free time.

3. Your friend is being complicit in intentionally hurting another person. She may not know the other person. The other person may be a nightmare but it is no reason to follow through with another person's deception.

4. I want my friends to tell me when I am devaluing myself in a relationship. I want my friends to tell me when a choice I am making is actively hurting someone. It may be a hard conversation but she needs to hear it. If she wants to be in a relationship with more than one person. That is totally fine. All people involved in the relationship need to be aware of the depth of the relationship, though.

5. This man doesn't have the emotional intelligence/maturity to being getting married let alone starting a new relationship. This man needs therapy to learn to communicate and form healthy and meaningful relationships.

ETA: One more idea

How did he get away with being gone all day? Wasn't his fiance wondering where he was? If he lied prior that puts you in a bad spot too

Once again, I find myself agreeing with @MrsBdeG. Everything she said. Lol

Reread, over and over, what @mrsBdeG wrote. That is how you have healthy relationships and deal with others who are not in healthy relationships in a mature and constructive way, without compromising your own morals.

I personally would not stand for this type of behavior. If someone I was BF's with turned out to be someone who could knowingly and actively have an affair, we would not be BF's anymore.

Also, she's not in love with him. She's in lust with him but that's probably all she has known so she thinks it's love. There is a huge difference.

I completely agree with everything @mrsBdeG said. I've had the "you need to love yourself and not be with assholes" conversation many times. It just hasn't really stuck. I just don't think, barring a conversation, that's there's anything else I can do. It's her apartment too so I can't tell her who she can and cannot have over regardless of my feelings.

I guess you can't explicitly tell her who she can have over. But you can say that you won't participate in it, won't stay there, will actively start looking for a new place if it continues, etc. And do all the stuff @mrsBdeG said, ask him all about his fiancé, and bring her up constantly because that is who they both need to be reminded of when they are hiding out playing house.

I really fucking hate liars, sorry.

I really appreciate all the advice. I plan on having a conversation with her about this, and I just hope that it won't ruin our relationship. I truly care for her and want her to be with a man who loves and respects her. If this guy is willing to cheat with her, he'd probably do it again. I don't see situation ending well either way and I don't want to be uncomfortable in my own home.

@mrsbigtexas

I wouldn't bar him from the apartment. It'll feel, from her side, that you are pulling the 'holier than thou" or "better than you" card. Treat her with respect and dignity. Don't shame/talk down to her. Him, on the other hand, oh man I'd be a salty little sea dog to him.

I would talk to her honestly about the relationship. I would tell her you are concerned about how she is treating herself in this toxic relationship. I'd suggest bringing up these points:

The FS and S will always come before her needs. If he starts a family with the FS, that family will always come before her and her needs. She needs to value herself and the love, energy, and time she invests in the relationship.

Tell her you are open (if you are!) to the concept of being poly, but this is not engaging in a polyamorous relationship. If she needs to experiment with romantic relationships, it should be with parties that all consent to being a part to the relationship.

Tell her that you will not compromise your morals for the continued mistake she and this man are making. Draw strict boundaries. If he asks you to lie, you won't. If the FS asks you about their relationship, you won't lie.

She will always be a secret. Less than 5% of men actually leave their FS/wives for the "other person." If they have a spectacular date or see a shooting star or he buys her a sweet gift she can't share it. She cannot post on social media. She is not free to communicate with all of her friends, family, and his friends/family. She will always be the person he denies. That is not true love. That is not how one person shows they value another person.

Let her know you aren't judging her for the mistake. You shouldn't think of her as a "bad person." She isn't a "whore" "slut" or "homewrecker." She fell victim to a charming, fun, exciting person who made her feel all kinds of feels. She's human and we all err. Tell her you are willing to support her in helping cut him out if she would like it. Tell her you are willing to help her find professional help. Speaking with a therapist doesn't mean you are some psycho, sick, or deranged person. Speaking with a therapist gives you insight, organization, or even just third non-biased person to bounce ideas off of. A therapist can help her during this transition or help her find her build her self-worth and relationship building skills.

If she wants to work this on her own, support her but don't emotionally/mentally/spiritually drain yourself. Draw boundaries with her again.

Seriously @mrsBdeG thank you. This has been useful and insightful, I wish you were here to have the conversation instead of me. I do try not to be judgemental but I can't say I've been successful. I've seen the damage cheating causes in my own family and I know it happens a lot outside as well so I'm very critical of this kind of thing. I want to make sure she knows I'll support her and love her throughout this.

@mrsbigtexas

Oh I hear you so much! I've dealt with a lot of cheating. I've dealt with my own fair share of horrible boyfriends before my lovely DH. Quite a few of my friends decided to sign up to be Sugar Babies, which, when done respectfully, isn't horrific. Sometimes, though, my friends got into toxic and unhealthy relationships.

It takes rehearsing and practices to squash the judgment that may rear its head. She may get angry and attack you which will make you want to react personally. Try to stay calm. She may attack (call you names, scream, tell you that you "just don't get it", or that you are jealous) because she feels hurt, scared, or misunderstood. It's important to validate that her feelings are real and important. It is, not, however, a good idea to continue down this path.

I think, right now, it's important that she understands you won't be complicit in this. If the FS does research and finds you, you won't cover for her or him.

Also, for the record, there is no such thing as "Girl Code" or "Bro Code." Don't let anyone pull that. Don't compromise your beliefs if you don't want to.

Best of luck! If you need any more advice your WW bishes got you!

This man isn’t going to leave his FW for your friend so she’s setting herself up to be hurt, not that she deserves any sympathy for knowingly getting herself involved in this situation.

What she does with her life may not be your business but what she does in your shared home is so you’re within your right to tell her you’re uncomfortable with this man being around all day but I don't think you can outright demand she not bring him there as it's her home too.

But if she chooses to disregard your feelings on the matter, I would totally go out of my way to make it as awkward as possible to remind them how wrong it is. Bring up some wedding planning issues you’re having and ask if he and his FW are going through the same thing. Ask his opinion on things like DJ recommendations and attire, ask where he and his FW are planning on going on their honeymoon, what their wedding song is, tell him you know of this really great bakery he could get his wedding cake at, etc., and do it all in front of your friend so she’s reminded that this is someone else’s future husband and she's never going to get the big dream wedding with him as he's currently planning it with someone else while he keeps her on the side for a good time.

Maybe his future wifey reads WW.

Jokes aside that's a tough situation to be in and I feel bad for his fiancé the poor girl deserves more