Uninterested fiance

I am sorry you are feeling frustrated and dealing with a difficult FH at this moment. Hugs!

My FH isn't interested in any of the wedding planning (and probably won't be interested in some of what happens our wedding day even)...disinterested would probably even be more accurate but he is excited to marry me and excited to see me walk down the aisle.

But he doesn't love the planning stress (my stress as it leaks out on him) or completely understand why it takes so much to plan a wedding.

He is actually the same way about vacations too though so it isn't unique to weddings. He is perfectly happy not planning a vacation (prefers not to) and would rather just let someone else do it. He isn't the kind of guy that gets excited about going on a vacation (That he is excited about going on) even the day before. He is just chill.

He has been left off the hook so far (and at times that has made me frustrated)...but I have come to the conclusion we aren't going to be the bonding over wedding planning couple (cute when I see/hear about it on ww) talking about how a reading would make the wedding more special or about how we should add this or that because it has deep meaning or chatting about decor. He is out of town currently and when he comes back I have prepped him that it is his turn to pitch in (but mostly on projects that can be quickly done and don't require emotion or planning or research).

Have you guys started premarital counseling? If not I would suggest it. We are loving it (FH was super not excited about going...like a sad puppy going to a vet but he is glad we are going now).

At first, FH said as long as I was happy, he was happy. It was my day. I just wasn't allowed to choose eloping or a DW so all of our family could come. I kept asking him what he envisioned and he seemed to not have an opinion. I started presenting different options and found he really started to have pretty strong preferences as the planning get started

I suggest also to sit down and find out what is the most important things to each of you that day. I ask FH, "when you close your eyes and picture the word wedding, what comes to mind?" It really helped him to be able to vocalize what his view of a wedding is (what he considers important to that day).

My FH has been sort of involved in the wedding planning. I told him that I wanted to be "our" day. He gave me a few ideas of the type of wedding and things he wanted to see there. He gave me concepts of things he would like incorporated. Basically, I'm like David Tutera. I got this huge concept of stuff thrown at me and I am trying to put it all together in a way that it works. Other then the ideas, he hasn't really helped out in "planning" exactly. I do all of the research, organizing, and execution for it.

My suggestion, if you want it to be about both of you, is to think about his likes. Even if he won't tell you them straight out, you know him. He obviously wants family there. You can decide if he would like a big family event or more intimate. Think about his favorite color and then pick a color that compliments it. FH likes green, so we chose mint. I paired it with a lilac color. For an April wedding, it works for spring. Since your wedding is in the summer, you can do a ton of different color pairings and it would look great. If you two like going out to eat, then focus on a great meal to have.

Bottom line, a lot of guys aren't going to be interested in the planning process. Most won't have any idea on how much time and effort it takes to put together. If you use your knowledge about him during planning, you can make a great event that BOTH of you can enjoy.

What I find most distressing is his response-- most men are not interested in planning, but to flat out say he doesn't want it, that is a sign that something needs to change, b/c not only will he be miserable for the next year or so of planning, but he may also end up miserable on the day itself.

I think rather than approaching what he wants for the wedding, ask him what kind of wedding he does want (i.e., he proposed to you, had did he imagine you would actually accomplish becoming husband and wife), and then try to compromise with him. Did he imaging just going to the courthouse? Eloping with just family and closest friends? Going to an all-inclusive venue that will do all of the work for you? I don't know the details of what you are currently trying to plan, but a lot of couples disagree about the SIZE of the wedding, and striking some middle-ground here could do a lot to make this process smoother (and more enjoyable) for both of you.

Good luck!

I'm so sorry you are finding planning to be more frustrating than fun. When we were newly engaged, my fiancé gave me a list of 5 things that were important to him and then said the rest, I can do whatever I want. And was pretty much hands off after that. When I talk weddings or watch endless hours of wedding shows, his eyes visibly glaze over and he mentally checks out. It wasn't until we went to a friend's wedding recently that he has been able/willing to discuss his option on anything. And that was because I brought up individual facets, "what did you think of the flowers?" "What was your least favorite part?" "I thought the appetizers were good, what did you think?" Etc... I still appreciate that I love weddings and planning and he does not, at all. So most of everything is up to me and my gals but at least I'm starting to get a little input so I can incorporate his preferences. I'm sure your FH is very excited to be marrying you and doesn't intend to sound mean, he's probably just confident in your taste, enthusiasm and planning skills and knows that it's not really his thing.

I'm with barbara on this one. For him to say he doesn't want a wedding at all is a little different than him not wanting to be involved in planning. I think her advice for approaching him is best so far.

I think being uninterested is different than what your fiance is saying when he "doesn't want this." I would be really hurt too if my fiance told me he doesn't want a wedding.

Ask him what he does want and make him understand why this is important to you. If it's how much money is spending, maybe say you want his input on how much is okay with him and work from there.

I'd hate this wedding to create drama between you two in the future.

Yes I would delve deeper into the "I don't want this." Part of his reasoning.

I think it's fairly common for men to be less than interested in the planning process, my FH sure is. But he's like that with anything we do, because he really has no idea how to plan something and he trusts that I will put both our interests on the table and plan something we will both love. He has told me the things he does care about - his tux colour, what size of wedding he's comfortable with etc. But all the details are up to me. He came and gave me a big hug and kiss the other day and said thank you for doing this and that I was doing a great job with it.

That's a lot different than not wanting it at all. Does he just not want a wedding? Does he not want the kind of wedding you want but he's putting his wants aside? Does he not want to get married NOW and was hoping for a longer engagement?

You also said you're having other issues right now, maybe those are weighing on him and need to be addressed before he feels good about going forward with a wedding.

My fiancé has a "tell me where and when the wedding is, and I'll meet you there" attitude. He doesn't really care about wedding planning. He told me to plan it and he doesn't want to know about costs because he will freak out (I didn't go overboard). So I've just been planning it and FH does come with me to some of the appointments (like food tasting, renting limo) but not to the "boring" ones like florist or violinist/pianist meeting. I feel bad dragging him to appointments he won't find interesting. I like it this way. I don't like it when men are too involved in weddings. It would drive me crazy but I understand what you're saying. You want him to show a little interest. Geez! He tells you he is doing it because it's what you want, but tell him you also want him to show some interest. Don't bore him too much with wedding talk though. It really is different for men. It just is. Good luck!

I agree with what others have said, and I'd like to add one question: Is this how he will act after you're married and have a disagreement regarding how to proceed on something important? He has a "take the ball and go home" attitude about planning because he doesn't agree with what you want. It's neither good nor bad unless it's a problem for you. It seems like this is an issue for you so walk into this marriage with your eyes open.

How he reacts isn't always about you or your relationship. It's not personal - it's who he is, how he was raised, the way he acts. Those factors were formed long before you met him (assuming you haven't known him your entire life) just as your stuff was formed long before you met him.

However... if he knows your feelings are hurt and he still does nothing...he's not a team player. Run for the hills.

My fiancé hasn't had too many opinions on the wedding. I ask his opinion and he asks me if I like it. He isn't into the details at all.. I thought he would care about the dj & music and not so much. He has been looking for "our song" though so I know he's trying just not into the wedding planning part. Everytime he sees me doing something like the cardbox he's like wow there's a lot to this wedding stuff. I don't think guys are into the planning part they just want to have fun the day of!

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much and I really appreciate your comments and insights. I think what really became clear to me was the difference between not wanting a wedding and not wanting to get involved in planning. More and more, I think it's the former.

My fiance hasn't given me a concept of what he wants. He basically flat out said "I don't care about the decorations" and when I gave him a heads up about the food tasting, he got a little angry and asked why we had to waste time going in for a taste test (he said we should just go by the reputation of the Company, ask for a sample menu, decide if it looks good and go with that).

I've thought that maybe none of this is worth all the drama, and that we should just go to City Hall. But I can't get over how disappointed I would be if we go that route, and (selfishly) how it feels like I have to miss out on something big. I'm also afraid that I won't be able to watch my friends get married, or attend weddings in the future, without feeling bitter.

Anyway, I really do appreciate all your insights. Thanks again ladies

I'm sorry, Kelly, that must be a tough situation to be in. My FH doesn't really care about planning (or an all out wedding, to be honest), but he is HAPPY to do what I want to do. If I said to him "Screw this, I want a courthouse" he would be fine. Since we are planning an all out wedding (not fancy or formal, not big budget, but ceremony/reception/white dress/100 guests), he has gotten a little more involved. But, 98% of the planning is up to me.

For you, my biggest worry is that he sounds angry about it. Can you find out why? Maybe it is a money thing. If it is, why don't you guys agree on a budget and then you can plan it from there? It may not be the big wedding of your dreams, but you can plan a really lovely wedding, with all the important guests, if you think outside the box

Hi Kelly Welcome!!!

Honestly...28days till my wedding day and FH could give less of a damn about what the heck is going on, even though previously he "mocked" his engaged friends because they were engaged for years and never even started planning a wedding, just used "engaged" as a silly title. He was all like Oh when I'm engaged I will do EVERYTHING with you..

Uh No! lol Not even close..

He knows the date we are getting married, Doesn't know our colors (I quizzed him the other day lol) doesn't know anything, But I've told him his mind just wanders into wonderland..

But I think this is common like the girls above said.. I wanna meet a man who planned his wedding, he is a american hero lol

I think most ppl on here are in a similar situation with uninterested FHs. Its a guy thing, you are not alone! I wished FH was more involved and helpful in the beginning, now I am happy as larry because ive realised I get to make all the decisions and do everything exactly how I want it! It would be worse if we were disagreeing over everything.

I asked joe was is important to him. He said cake. And to be married. The rest he doesn't care.

Yeah the only way I got my FH interested is by telling him to think of it as a big party and then he at least was on board with actually having a wedding... Details though, he does not care. But yeah I agree with that if your FH seems actually angry that you are trying to plan a wedding you need to find out why. If he is fine with having one and just doesn't want to be involved in the details then that's totally fine and obviously fairly common. I hope for you that this is all that is is about.

This is a situation that presents itself as a good opportunity to learn about marriage. The wedding is a one day deal but the marriage is supposed to be lifelong. Marriages take a lot of compromise and give and take. Communication is key in any relationship. Sit him down and explain how you feel telling him "I feel x when you say this". Do not put it onto him, meaning don't say "You make me feel" because your feelings are your own. Then ask him if he got to choose how you got married what he would choose. Does he want a small church ceremony? Maybe a JP wedding? Also, you could tell him that you know he is doing it for you but you want him to be happy to. Ask him what part of planning he would find to be fun. Maybe he wants to go to the cake tastings with you. Maybe he wants to go to taste different caterers. By opening the lines of communication you are creating a lifelong habit that will serve you well in your marriage and once you really focus on what he likes he may just get on board. And if he doesn't don't stress about it. I am sure he will be super excited the day that you say your vows.

Kelly,

How are things now in 2018? How did it go or not go?. I ask because I am in that EXACT situation.

View Quoted Comment Kelly, I posted about it not realizing it was many years ago. Same boat here. My wedding is November 2019. Planning is so stressful. Rather stab my eyeballs out. No help from FH. Whatever I want is what he says. Hopefully you can see my message. Shed some light on your frustration like I was. Be patient. Lord knows I'm trying.