Un-Bridesmaid?

It's been 3 years…no, you are not obligated to keep her.

ETA: Saying you don't have any expectations of your bridesmaids is BS. Everyone has expectations. If my bridesmaids hadn't done anything, hadn't asked if they could help or had been generally disinterested in my wedding I would have been pissed. As my friends, I EXPECT them to be thoughtful, as I would be of them and their special time. To say you don't have expectations of your 'nearest and dearest' is stupid. If you had zero expectations of them, they wouldn't be true friends.

This is something I'm going through right now. I made the mistake of asking her too early. What happened was we were talking bout getting married, so I asked her if she would be interested after she kinda hinted that she wanted to be one. Over a year and a half later now we are officially engaged and planning the wedding. But this girl and I sorta had a little falling out over her dating this guy. She asked me my honest opinion and I gave it to her and it wasn't what she wanted to hear. Anyway, we drifted apart. Anytime I try to talk to her, she doesn't say much and I feel like I am bothering her. She says she still wants to be in the wedding. I wouldn't want to kick her out, but I am like you, I want close friends standing with me. Not a stranger. I do also worry about whether or not she will show up as we live hundreds of miles apart now and whether or not she will have any money issues. Trying to make it cost the least amount of money as possible. To avoid rental car and hotel costs having her and Moh stay with me at apartment after they fly in for wedding. Now that our relationship is kinda distant i'm hoping it won't be awkward. She has also given me crap over trying on bridesmaid dress. My moh and my other bm went looking and found a dress that is prefect for the wedding and tried it on. Knowing that it will be discontinued before the wedding, they both told me they want to order it now. I told them to hold it off and have my friend try it on. She keeps coming up with excuses why she cant try it on. I'm confused because she says she likes it (not the color per say, just the style and the color i chose was teal) so I don't understand why in over 3 months time she can't seem to try it on?

@ Greyson&Beth - if I had a falling out with a friend and she was being unresponsive It would be an easier decision. You don't want conflict in your wedding! Just my opinion.

It's a harder decision for me because we never had a falling out, she isnt akward or rude or anything I just don't feel close to her. We are more casual friends than close. Originally when I asked it was at dinner after our engagement ceremony all my really close girls were there and her. It felt special that they were there when even my own family was not, so I kind of just blurted it out in all the excitement.

I love her still and want her and her BF who Ive known for 13 years to be there, but I would feel more comfortable having only my very close friends standing next to me.

My FH is only having 1 friend and my brother as groomsman because he really believes in just having those that matter and not just filling slots....I just don't want to hurt her feelings.

This is tough. I don’t think you should feel obligated to keep her though. Like you said, 10 years from now you want to look at your pictures with the people truly closest to you. I don’t know the solution, but I don’t feel “un-bridesmaising” her is inappropriate. New word apparently.

The best thing for you to do is to talk to her and tell her how you feel about the situation, instead of potentially avoiding it and not having her as a BM and then her becoming hurt learning the hard way. I know I'd appreciate it if a bride was honest with me about it. I wouldn't invite someone to be such a big part of my day if I wasn't very close with that person, nor would I keep them as a BM because I felt bad.

You're really not obliged to make anyone a bridesmaid...you're not even obliged to HAVE bridesmaids. Do what makes you comfortable.

I say the best way to handle and still be gracious... ask her if she wants to still be in it. Let her know that you would like someone who could attend all the functions, but if this is something she can't you would be disappointed but would understand. Leave it up to her. She may surprise you and not really want to be a part of it.

You caught my attention with your comment about looking at your pictures and not knowing the people in them anymore in a decade...I don't think friendships are naturally made to last forever, which is what make the friendship you share with your husband (to be) that much more amazing. I think it is okay to let go of people, because we all change and are different people many times over in our lives. I feel extremely grateful for the people who shared wonderful moments with me because when they're gone those moments will continue to affect me forever, but they also change into new people with new interests.... friendship is one of those amazing things that shapes who you are- but is also so fleeting and precious at the same time. When I look back at pictures I feel gratitude for having known them when I did; not knowing them in the future doesn't make them less important now. Anyway, that was probably not conveyed in as positive of a manner as I intended. But I hope it helps.

Has she asked about the wedding at all? If you've only seen her twice in the last three years my guess is she isn't expecting to be in the wedding (which she may not even know you're planning?) In the end it's your day and you have to be happy.