Un-Bridesmaid?

It is your day, you are not obligated to keep her. Id explain things have slowly parted, and youve gained closer friends. Tell her that you want her to share in your day so she will have an invite!

I personally think that yes, since you've already asked her you should follow through. Inviting her to the wedding will be awkward since you actually asked her to be a bridesmaid. She may drop out anyway. I think whatever you do, you need to have a conversation with her. If you don't want her to be a bridesmaid anymore, talk to her about it. Be honest and explain why. She may understand and feel the same or it could be extremely hurtful and she may prefer not to attend your wedding at all. Kicking out a bridesmaid usually ends the frienship.

I had a friend that asked me to be bridesmaid three years ago, but they never got married. Life and school got in their way and we drifted apart. Seriously, she's still planning her wedding and I think she's getting married this year, but I'm not expecting to be a part of it. I'm not upset or worried about it being awkward. Those things happen.

If you asked and she does not help out at all especially since you are no longer close, then you know she also feels you have grown apart. You don't tend to help friends who are not close. So I would try to give her a few assignments, if she is loyal and a true friend, time does not change that fact. But a friend who is not genuine simply takes on title and does not give a care for you is definitely one that needs to go.

I would let her know that you are actually planning the wedding and is she still interested?? She might not want to be involved.

One of my concerns about her as well as us not being close is that she will not be able to attend many of the functions and may have issue with the cost of everything.

Bridesmaids don't have to attend all the functions. They only have to attend the wedding and stand next to you. The functions are optional. And all they have to pay for is their dress for which you should be asking their budgets anyway.

Obviously the budget is a secondary concern, but her budget may be much different than my other bridesmaids....not that we are going crazy, I don't think $60-$150 for a dress is a killer.

Emily, technically bridesmaids are also supposed to throw your shower as well. Not just buy their dress.

Maybe you have crappy bridesmaids, but my bridesmaids will be helping me do a lot of stuff as well as comin with me dress shopping (which we are traveling 4 hours away for) and various other things. Yes, bridesmaids really just have to stand up there, but in my opinion they should also be people you are close with who want to share this happy time with you and be involved.

I have to say it would really be a bummer to me if my BM didn't come to the shower, bachelorette party, and other activities. I understand if they are out of the are that is really hard, but otherwise I think they should be there.

@Heather A - BM's are only *supposed* to wear a reasonably priced dress of the bride's choosing and show up sober and on time to the wedding. Anything beyond that is optional and if they decide to throw the bride a shower it's gravy, not an expected part of being a BM. This belief that they must throw parties, attend parties, help with arts and crafts is all over blown and untrue.

I believe my mother will be throwing my shower. I would just hope the women in my BP would attend. It isn't out of the way and is just a few hours of their time. I have attended all of my friends showers BM or not. I think it shows support for those that are close to you.

Okay fine even if you find that over blown and untrue, I personally wouldn't want someone who never talks to me and wouldn't want to be around for anything fun to be part of my bridal party. If I wanted that, id ask strangers.

I would say you are not obligated to keep her in the BP, but you most definitely need to ask her about it. Word it in a way that gives her the option to back out, and if she does, be sure to let her know she can still attend the wedding and that there are no hard feelings. If she wants to stay in, then she may get back into it and start helping out. Sometimes people just drift, it doesn't mean they don't care though.

As far as bridesmaids just being expected to show up and that's it, I suppose if that works for you and that's your dynamic with your friends, then ok..............but I know for sure my bridesmaids are all expected to attend the shower and help when they can. Mine keep asking for tasks to do but I've already got most of it covered....but they're always there to bounce ideas off of and help give me direction when I need it. That's what they're for. The way you're describing them, just show up in a dress, they sound like trophy friends lol

I don't want to hurt her feelings Maybe I should just offer her to be in the BP. I just dont want to look at my pictures in 5, 10, 15, 20 years and not know anyone.

I know there are no sure things when it comes to friendships, but I do see my other BMs as people who I will be friends with forever. :/

Ladies, this has nothing to do with with "what I find to be" or "what works for me." This is how it is. Sure you want your friends to attend your pre-wedding events or whatever. Great. But when people start throwing around words like "supposed to" that creates this idea that BM's have a list of obligations that they HAVE to perform. Such as this preposterous idea one's MOH *has* to throw the bride a shower. Or your BM's *have* to help with DIY's. No, they don't. My point was the only things BM's are obligated to do is show up. Past that, be thankful, but don't EXPECT anything, as that's on you, not them.

^^ exactly right. I chose my bridesmaids because they are my nearest and dearest and I want them to stand up next to me on my wedding day in support of my marriage. I do not have *expectations* of them beyond that. My MOH has offered to throw me a shower and I'm very grateful, but I didn't ask her to nor would I expect it. Two of my bridesmaids live far away and I do not expect them fly in just for my shower. Maybe you ladies would require them to spend money on a flight just to attend a shower; I wouldn't. They aren't any less bridemaids just because they couldn't make it to a bunch of parties or couldn't afford the time or money to throw parties.

Kicking a bridesmaid out just because she can't attend pre-wedding parties or may not have enough money for all of the events is wrong. None of that is necessary.

OP - its unfortunate you rushed the decision and asked her and now you don't feel as close. I would just ask her what she thinks. Let her know the wedding is going ahead. She may feel the same way and not want to be in the wedding anyway.

Heather A - that's fine but then you wouldn't ASK a person you never speak with

to be your bridesmaid. This person already ASKED the girl to be her bridesmaid so it's pretty rude to say "oh sorry, I don't want you to be a BM anymore but I'll still invite you to the wedding".

To decide to ask someone out of a Bp normally is because they are giving you stress and doing things that deem offensive to you. I had to ask someone out of mine because she wanted to invite random people to bridal events and did not want to help out in anything regardless that I said I will do my best to only ask her for things she will find fun to help me with such as researching up floral (I have two receptions and 2 ceremonies,..all with different themes for cultural reasons so help relieves my stress). She told me it's not her problem and she was more concerned of looking good herself.

People may advise you differently that they did not ask their BMs for any help but every wedding's scenario is different. Maybe those folks have it easy and it was easy. If you have traditional and cultural concerns, it's double if not triple the workload. So ask yourself how much work and help you really need and hope that can help you decide if her intentions to you are genuine.

No, spending money on a flight to come for a shower is ridiculous, however if someone is local then yes, they are expected to attend. No, they do not have to pay money for it. "showing up" is more than just showing up to the wedding. I'm not asking my people to do DIY stuff or throw any parties, I am asking them to stand with me every step of the way though.