Un-asking a bridesmaid?

View Quoted Comment I'm honestly worried that having 6 bridesmaids will be too many... I almost feel like 5 would look like too much at 100- guest wedding. Am I overthinking it?

I had to do this before my wedding. I had some major concerns about one of the people I asked to be a bridesmaid making my husband and my special day all about her and ruining. My husband and I talked it over and we both felt it would be better if she wasn't in the wedding. I laid it out for her and told her that we didn't want her to be a part of our wedding. It was the best decision both of us made. I ended up having one of my college roommates be my bridesmaid instead and honestly our wedding was amazing. It was a lot of fun and relaxing. I know that if we didn't ask one bridesmaid to not be in the wedding it would have been stressful and miserable for everyone. So do what you know is best for your wedding

View Quoted Comment You're totally right! I have the vendors but I just recently got into really planning. Ive only been engaged for a few months and had jumped the gun in asking her because I wasnt thinking in the adrenaline I'd the moment!

I just don't know if 6 is too many BMs if I wanted to ask someone else (my other friend). I just meant going along with me to try on wedding gowns for me. Sorry for the confusion.

View Quoted Comment Colleen-

The the husband of the friend that I want to ask is a groomsman. I haven't even met the husband of the current BM because they really arent "people" persons according to them (which is totally fine!).

Hi,
Im kind of going through a similar situation. One of my bridesmaids, is a good friend, but ever since I have met my FH two years ago our relationship has changed. She has been mean and distant. If this continues for our relationship, I plan on calling her or grabbing lunch and flat out asking, “Do you still want to be in the wedding party?” That way depending on the answer you are letting her make that decision and you cant look back and regret not letting it be her choice.

My friend is experiencing jealousy so maybe your friend is too hence why she is never free. Once you ask her this question, hopefully she sees that your relationship has changed and maybe this will help bring it back to where it was. I know I am hopong for the same with my BM.

View Quoted Comment thanks! Sorry for the confusion!

You say she is busy now, and pregnant now. That means in Sept 2019 her baby will be several months old, and she may have time. Usually there is nothing a bridesmaid needs to do before 4 months before the wedding, when dress ordering comes up. Bridesmaids do not need to do showers, only volunteers. And any close friend not in the wedding, any of your female relatives, and MOG or FI sisters or aunts can volunteer to throw a shower. If family is far away and gives a shower, bride travels to them, they do not come to her. And if anyone else is in the area, friends of yours, they can be invited to that shower too. Or if this woman you ALREADY asked wants to help with a shower, they are usually given 3 months to 6 weeks before the wedding. . Since there is nothing she needs to do until April of next year, why are you upset she is not doing things for you now? Do not confuse fantasies on tv or in movies for real weddings. Bridesmaids and MOH are not supposed to be chosen for the things they can do for you. They can volunteer to do things. But they are not required to go dress shopping, any friend ir your FI for that matter, can go. They do not go to dress fittings, make things, or help with any planning, or attend venue searches or taste tests of food or cakes. Or any planning of showers, or bachelorettes. They MAY want to do any of these things, but you should not expect it. It is rather like work. If your boss wants to redecorate the office, paint, wallpaper, and curtains, you can volunteer to stay afyer work, for free, and paint and make curtains. But if boss asks you, and you say, I really am too busy evenings to take on anything extra , it would be terribly wrong for your boss to hold it against you, or fire you for it. It is not your job to do those rhings. You already asked this former co-worker, and if she is still willing to do things from April to Sept next year, then you are breaking a promise for no good reason. It is permissible to talk to her personally or over the phone, do you think that between April and Sept of next year, with the baby and all, you will still want to spend time and money shopping for bridesmaid clothes, attending a rehearsal if there is one, and attend the wedding? She may opt out, as people above pointed out. But if not, and you drop her because she is not doing things for you that are not required, now, then you are behaving badly. You can also ask the other woman you want to ask, and have both of them. But not unask her if she is still willing and able to do BM things when they are supposed to be done. I only saw my Maid of Honor and 2 BM once in my 5 moth engagement, when they traveled from their homes closer to my MOG for the shower she gave, and I traveled there. I had 3 other smaller showers, given by friends in different places, nobody from WP planned them, and none of them could come. I wanted to do preliminary dress shopping myself, and when I narrowed it down to a couple, one I liked best, but would have been happy with others, then I invited my Mom and FI, and happily, their favorite was mine. No bridesmaids needed. FI and I planned together. This is a good time for you to depend more on jointly planning with FI, it is his wedding too. And have the co-worker you already asked, and the groomsman's girlfriend, both in your bridal party.

I had something like this happen to me but opposite. I had a girl ask me to be a BM we used to work togather I had talked to her some but she had made some comments I did not like. They just were not nice things to say to others friends. I said yes just not thinking. I have since not responded to her text wich is what I would have done anyway.

Oh no! This is tough but I was in a similar situation. She was so sweet and excited at first and then she became jealous and would make so many back handed compliments that I just couldn’t see her being a part of such a special time for me. We grew distant but she knew I was doing things with the other girls and wouldn’t come through. We had a talk and she knows she’s not in the wedding party anymore but the other girls are right, it definitely takes a hit on the friendship.

Honestly, forget her. This is your day. You're paying out the wazoo to make sure everything is perfect. I understand life happens, but so should she. And with her being pregnant, Idk if that's something I'd want to risk... Just tell her the truth and she'll respect it.

I think of you just let her know that during the important times she’s not available that it may best if she was just a attendant to the wedding. No hard feelings but you have to make the decision to make sure your day is as flawless as possible.

View Quoted Comment I feel like i'm being misinterpreted. Im literally not expecting ANYTHING from any of my girls. They're all out of town and i pride myself in being sort of the opposite of a bridezilla. My expectations are literally zero. Bridesmaids are not expected to throw or even attend ANY party (there aren't any) and they can wear any dress they want so long as it falls in a color palette... do their hair any way they want... you name it. No DIY requests, no help asked. Literally none.

The point i'm trying to get across is I knew this girl for 6 months, asked her out of excitement and now im wondering if I can re-neg ...because we don't talk anymore despite my reaching out to her regularly. Instead, i'm considering inviting a friend whom I've known longer and talk to everyday... someone who is probably more excited to go shopping and to bridal shows than I am.

I could invite this other friend in addition to the others but that makes 6 BMs and I don't know if that is too much for a 100-guest wedding. Another side note: I feel like my current BM might not be entertained by the rest of us. Ive honestly never had a friend like her because i'm not exactly "fancy" whereas she's super upper class (and very sweet! She's not rude by any means!). She's never met my other friends but we're kind of from different classes and i'm sort of afraid of being judged. I don't know... so many feelings.

View Quoted Comment The only things you originally referred to were here not wanting to dress shop with you and go to fairs, as you say your other women do, and that she has not been available all the million times you ask ( though you acknowledged above, this is a busy time for her now.) Yet now you say you are not asking her to do anything, do not have any expectations. So it comes down to, do you keep promises you make? If so, you can ask if she will still have time and money post baby, and give her a graceful way out if she wants it. But if she says she still wants to, then it would probably greatly hurt her feelings to un-invite her. Are you that kind of person? Especially if as you admit, she is very nice? I think 3 is a nice number for a wedding your size, but it isn't about ideal numbers, it is about following through on a promise you made, and having the others you want as well. So better 6 and be a nice person than 5 and hurt her, or feel bad yourself. The worst thing about big bridal parties is getting them all together for things, as many brides try to do even with scattered BM. You say that is not a problem here, and you have no other fixed expectations, so it will be easy. As for class differences, she would have found an excuse to say no at the time if such things were a problem. I think by far the easiest thing is to include her, letting her know that if time and money issues after baby are a problem, you still would want her as a guest. And if she is still in, have 6. Not a big difference, 5 or 6. Relax and stop worrying. Just ask the other women, including the groomsman's girlfriend... And hope they don't break up before the wedding!

Don't ever feel stuck. It's your day!!

I had a similar but different experience - I had to tell someone who I knew wanted to be a bridesmaid that I wanted to keep my wedding party small with just my sisters. She took it better than I expected - a little hurt up front but I just explained where my head was at and she understood. Nothing changed about our friendship whatsoever. Maybe just be honest with her? It sounds like you aren't very far into planning and she hasn't put in any of her personal money towards your wedding yet, so I don't think it would be inappropriate to explain your feelings. Good luck!

I can’t believe how many people are telling you to ghost her. That’s so rude. Either keep her as a member of the bridal party, or tell her you no longer want her to be a part of it and prepare for your friendship to be over. Those are your two options at this point.

View Quoted Comment Yes. Realistically, these are the only two options I would consider.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for sharing your suggestions and emphasizing how I should stop worrying. I suppose the easiest thing is just to include them all.

I wanted 3 BMs. The fiancee had 5 (he has siblings). So now it just feels like it's getting too big... which is why 6 was starting to feel overwhelming. I'm just not close with this girl so it seems a bit inauthentic. In total, I've known her for 10 months ish and we've talked about twice via text message since she left her job 3 months ago.

In any case- side note- the woman I'm likely going to ask (in addition to) is married to a groomsman and not just a girlfriend (hopefully that ensures a far less likely chance of break up!).

I personally agree to just let it go. Don't bother and if she does tell her you understand that she's super busy and you were just trying to take a little bit off her plate. If she gets mad then she gets mad but she doesn't seem to really care from what I understand. I'm not saying she's a bad person or that your a bad person I'm just saying that maybe she doesn't see how important this role is. I'd just let by gones be by gones

View Quoted Comment When I was young my parents and auntie use to tell me I was too young to be a little mother, because with my 3 older half brothers and sister, I would always think of the consequences of things they were doing, or possible problems or trouble coming ( and often right), and my same age brother and I were like little mommy and daddy to the 4 kids 2,3,4 and 5 years younger. And so often the message was ,what is the worst that will happen? Something will be less perfect than it could have been, but much of the time we created our own anxiety. And needed to think in terms of, will 1 more or less make a difference? So little sister has put off doing her homework, tomorrow her teacher will make her stay after school 90 minutes, and she will learn her lesson. So what, the world will not end if the homework isn't done, if 2 kids extra come to a party, if an old friend does not like someone else as much as you. And I have pretty much amped it down. If it doesn't affect health or safety, and no one is hurting anyone, physically or feelings, the other things will work out. These days, many people feel they need to have weddings or any other thing match a model with 102 things to do, as though all are equally important. Choosing bridesmaids, there is no "right number" and no one ever died of having an extra friend who is a nice person, beside them. So what the heck, go for no hurt feelings. It can be hard to let go. But such a relief.