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Beginner August 2020

trans Man(brother) in my wedding parents wont Allow!!!

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Dakota, on February 11, 2020 at 8:38 AM

Hey y’all!

So before I start this discussion, I am really looking for as much advice as I can get. I am not one to reach out to the general public when it comes to situations about family, but I am at a lose for words. I will keep this as minimal as possible for now, to get the point across. I need yalls help.. please & thank you!
My sister is transitioning into a male and has been out for about 5 years now. 3 years ago he announced to our immediate family that he is a male(which I absolutely LOVE & 11000% have NO problems with. He is who is & I love him whole heartedly no matter what!!!) he has since cut his hair, changed his attire, and has been since known as “Carter”. My children call him “Uncle Carter” my non immediate family refer to him by his name “Carter”.
Here is the situation. My parents do not approve. It has been a constant battle with my parents learning to accept him for who is for 3 years now. I want him to be a “bridesman” in my wedding & wear nice slacks, button down, tie & jacket/vest just the same color as our bridesmaids! Whatever he is COMFORTABLE in. It’s his body no one else’s. I informed my parents yesterday. To say the least the situation did not go well. They basically told him that he is not allowed to stand up on my side unless he is wearing feminine attire(jumpsuit/romper) to “match” the bridesmaids. I freaked, was in shock and utter disbelief that they had the audacity to tell HIM THAT! After that happened I called my parents to figure out why they would have told him that. They basically told me that “My grandparents did not approve(they know & approve) and that Carter would be the topic of the night and take away from my wedding day & that they do not want to answer questions about it in the end, because that situation would be thrown onto them”
The conversation came to an end whenever I told my parents that we would push back OUR WEDDING DATE until that situation is figured out and they can get over the fact(it was said nicer) that Carter will be standing with me as my “Bridesman”. My parents then said that it could take 5 years for that to happen and they think it’s BEST FOR THEM IF WE WAIT. I ended up closing the conversation and ending the call.
So my question to y’all is what the heck do I do?! My parents are funding the entire wedding, but it seems as if they are making this about them and what THEY WANT & is best FOR THEM. However it’s not their wedding day it is my fiancé’s & mine! Please help me... because I can not imagine walking down the isle without my brother standing there by my side.
Thanks y’all 💗

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47 Comments

Devoted October 2021
Susan · on February 12, 2020 at 7:03 AM
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I don’t really have any advice but I have a transgender flower girl in my wedding and I’m just proud of you for supporting your brother. I think it would be incredibly damaging to him if you give in to your parents’ demands and might even damage your relationship with your brother. I would firmly but lovingly and patiently explain to your parents that Carter is going to be in the party dressed as you’ve discussed. They may choose to pull their money from you, and you’ll have to figure that out, but ultimately I think you will be a happier person supporting your brother. And who knows?! Maybe this will help your parents accept him for who he is. It does sound like they’re struggling and I think it’s ok to acknowledge that in your conversations with them.
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Devoted September 2021
Samantha · on February 24, 2020 at 1:23 PM
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I would have him standing there woth me!
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Super March 2021
Kimberly · on February 24, 2020 at 1:47 PM
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Dakota good for you for standing up for your brother! I agree with everyone else, cancel the plans that have already been made with your parents money and plan a wedding you can afford to include your brother. I find it strange that your parents would suggest you put off your wedding for 5 years until they can feel more comfortable with your brother. This is clear that they are more concerned about how things will reflect on them and not about the happiness they should be feeling for their daughter getting married.
Have that difficult conversation with your parents one more time, but if they can’t see where you are coming from in wanting your brother by your side on such an important day, then move forward with your own plans. They will regret missing your wedding, but that is on them not you.
Good luck to you! Stay strong!
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Devoted September 2021
Samantha · on February 25, 2020 at 10:14 AM
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I totally agree with onya
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Master May 2020
Kari · on February 25, 2020 at 10:45 AM
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OMG I am so sorry.

First, good on you for supporting Carter and standing behind him. Transitioning without family support is so difficult, and at least he has you and you value him for who he is, even if your parents are less than supportive.

If your family is funding your wedding you are indeed in a bit of a bind. I know weddings are super expensive, but I couldn't imagine my parents using money as leverage to force their beliefs on me and force me between myself and a sibling I dearly loved and wanted by my side on my big day, or twisting their bigotry around and blaming your more accepting grandparents for their completely hateful and fearful beliefs. In your position, I'd refuse your parents money and plan for whatever you and your partner can afford yourselves and invite the guests who you most want to be there for your big day.
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Super October 2021
Suzie · on February 25, 2020 at 8:36 PM
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Jumping on board with this as well. I am so sorry that your parents are acting this way, it’s honestly disgusting behavior (no offense). Big props to you for having your brother’s back. You need to be very frank and have this conversation with them and say, either you are on board and attending our wedding, or you’re not and we will find other means and you’re no longer invited. Guests will be focused on you as the bride. Imo, it is their own intolerance that is causing them to think “people will talk.” No, they won’t. Your brother has been out for a while, and everyone needs to accept and respect who he is. Not to mention that bridesmen are actually a common thing in general these days. It’s not a new concept. Honestly, I would not want anyone at my wedding that was this intolerant - your situation is personal for me as well - but unfortunately, it is your parents acting this way. Also agree with PPs who recommended talking to your grandparents, especially if they are on board but your parents are “blaming” them for this. Be prepared for a fight, but this is a good cause to fight for! I’d also like to take a moment to congratulate your brother, first of all for being brave enough to come out, and secondly on starting his transition. I am so happy that he has you in his life!
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Super May 2020
Andrea · on February 29, 2020 at 1:50 AM
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I think the only way to have your brother in the wedding in a way that makes you both happy is to take over the funding of the wedding. I think it’s totally worth it to cut back on the expenses to have the wedding you and your fiancé want.
By the way, you sound like one heck of a sister and he’s lucky to have you.
Have the wedding you and your fiancé can afford and do everything your way (sounds like your could cut a number of judgmental people from the guest list if you’re hosting) unfortunately money almost always comes with strings attached. Good luck!
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