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Beginner August 2020

trans Man(brother) in my wedding parents wont Allow!!!

Dakota, on February 11, 2020 at 8:38 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 47
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Hey y’all!


So before I start this discussion, I am really looking for as much advice as I can get. I am not one to reach out to the general public when it comes to situations about family, but I am at a lose for words. I will keep this as minimal as possible for now, to get the point across. I need yalls help.. please & thank you!
My sister is transitioning into a male and has been out for about 5 years now. 3 years ago he announced to our immediate family that he is a male(which I absolutely LOVE & 11000% have NO problems with. He is who is & I love him whole heartedly no matter what!!!) he has since cut his hair, changed his attire, and has been since known as “Carter”. My children call him “Uncle Carter” my non immediate family refer to him by his name “Carter”.
Here is the situation. My parents do not approve. It has been a constant battle with my parents learning to accept him for who is for 3 years now. I want him to be a “bridesman” in my wedding & wear nice slacks, button down, tie & jacket/vest just the same color as our bridesmaids! Whatever he is COMFORTABLE in. It’s his body no one else’s. I informed my parents yesterday. To say the least the situation did not go well. They basically told him that he is not allowed to stand up on my side unless he is wearing feminine attire(jumpsuit/romper) to “match” the bridesmaids. I freaked, was in shock and utter disbelief that they had the audacity to tell HIM THAT! After that happened I called my parents to figure out why they would have told him that. They basically told me that “My grandparents did not approve(they know & approve) and that Carter would be the topic of the night and take away from my wedding day & that they do not want to answer questions about it in the end, because that situation would be thrown onto them”
The conversation came to an end whenever I told my parents that we would push back OUR WEDDING DATE until that situation is figured out and they can get over the fact(it was said nicer) that Carter will be standing with me as my “Bridesman”. My parents then said that it could take 5 years for that to happen and they think it’s BEST FOR THEM IF WE WAIT. I ended up closing the conversation and ending the call.
So my question to y’all is what the heck do I do?! My parents are funding the entire wedding, but it seems as if they are making this about them and what THEY WANT & is best FOR THEM. However it’s not their wedding day it is my fiancé’s & mine! Please help me... because I can not imagine walking down the isle without my brother standing there by my side.
Thanks y’all 💗

47 Comments

  • Laura
    VIP November 2019
    Laura ·
    • Flag
    Pay for your own wedding and have the wedding party you want. Financial “help” always comes with strings and this is a huge one. I would get married in my living room with beer & pizza before I was buckle under to that blackmail.
    • Reply
  • D
    Beginner August 2020
    Dakota ·
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    Thank you so much for your advice Laura! I really appreciate you taking the time read and reply to me, it means a lot. I suppose you are correct, I feel as if they think because they are paying for the wedding they have the say in what happens. Which is not right. I have a huge heart and would hate for my parents not to attend MY wedding because of their own selfish reasons..
    • Reply
  • Flame Princess
    Dedicated April 2021
    Flame Princess ·
    • Flag
    With what youve told us, I think their bigotry will be the talk of the evening, not Carter's existance. I would pay for the rest yourself tbh
    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Rockstar November 2020
    Kristen ·
    • Flag

    I would cancel their wedding plans (they lose out on money if deposits paid not you) and you and your FH do what you want. It sounds like they are not going to accept him soon and I am sure you love your parents but them controlling your wedding but disrespecting your brother's choices is not cool. I would tell them that you do not want their money and you two will have an intimate wedding with your brother by your side dressed as he please. I would much rather get married in a park with a few guests then have a huge wedding that ultimately makes you feel uneasy. Not worth it. If you two want you can have a larger vow renewal if you really want the big wedding.


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  • Ashley
    Beginner April 2021
    Ashley ·
    • Flag
    Unfortunately I think the only way to include your brother is to pay for things yourself with their mindset. I'm sorry they have put you in that situation and I hope things work out how you planned. Personally, I feel that all eyes will be on you and your spouse because you're the reason everyone is there, especially since it seems the rest of the family is supportive of your brother. Maybe try to remind your parents of that as a last attempt of a conversation and resolution and if it doesn't go anywhere then plan on funding yourself. Good luck!
    • Reply
  • D
    Beginner August 2020
    Dakota ·
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    I think so as well... I will gather family members and friends to ask for help for wedding expenses. Thank you so much!
    • Reply
  • D
    Beginner August 2020
    Dakota ·
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    How do I approach that with my parents. I feel horrible for them loosing out on their deposit, but at the same time I need Carter by my side at the end of it all.


    You are exactly right though, it is not worth it to make myself feel uneasy when it’s the one day that my FH and I get for us!
    Thank you so much for your input! ❤️❤️❤️
    • Reply
  • D
    Beginner August 2020
    Dakota ·
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    That’s what I am gathering thus far. I will have to gather other family member and friends to see what we can all do to help fund the wedding costs.
    I will tell them that! That’s a really great thing to say to them, maybe that will help them to swallow their pride & understand it’s not about them.

    Thank you so much, Ashley 💗
    • Reply
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn Online ·
    • Flag

    I agree with PPs, tell your parents that you don't need their money or their opinions and host the wedding that you can afford with your brother by your side. Then tell your dad that he can only attend if he wears a dress.

    • Reply
  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Champion March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    This! You can do a lovely courthouse ceremony and celebrate with cake & punch after (if at a non mealtime) in your place or someone else’s. Have your closest friends and your immediate family (fine if they don’t want to go).


    Way to stand up for your brother! ❤️
    • Reply
  • Jodie
    Savvy June 2020
    Jodie ·
    • Flag
    I’m so sorry that your parents aren’t supportive of your brother, I can’t imagine how difficult that must be for him. It doesn’t seem like your parents are going to budge. Like you said, it is your wedding, so ultimately it should be your responsibility to pay. I personally wouldn’t ask other friends/family to pitch in money. It’s not their responsibility to pay plus you don’t know what other strings may be attached. It’s a tough situation for sure as you may need to rework your vision to what you can afford. Good luck!
    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Rockstar November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    Just sit down and talk to them. Sometimes we have to have uneasy conversations with people. Tell them you thought about it and it makes you unhappy to do what they are asking to your brother and that you will not comply with it. My friend who got married had a mother that was being a bit difficult with some of her decisions and she told her mom the best statement ever: Either you pay for my wedding and I get what I want or I pay for my wedding and I get what I want. I would sit with them and give them two options and put the ball in their court so you are not making the decision rather they are. Tell them that you love and respect them but you disagree with their stand point of your brother and you will not disrespect him on your wedding day. You cannot change their opinions so you're asking that they either respect your wishes to have the wedding you want and your brother by your side. Tell them that they can respect how you want to do your wedding or they can decide that they do not support it and then you can plan your own wedding. I know it sucks but I would give them the ultimatum and let them make the decision. They decide to pull out then plan the wedding you two can afford. Discuss with your FH prior to having that convo.

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  • Kellyann
    Dedicated July 2020
    Kellyann ·
    • Flag
    Go small. Do a park or courthouse wedding. Hell, elope and have a great time! Put aside money each pay period, so you can pay for marriage license, the minister(or have a friend get ordained via online). Then do a lunch or dinner at a restaurant (no clean up and less expensive than catering). Get your wedding, your way. Life's too short to live by other's expectations.
    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Rockstar November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    Agreed. Accept help if offered but do not ask. You two are grown adults and this is something you two need to do. Honestly I would just elope and bring my brother out of spite but that is just me lol.

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  • Anna
    Super August 2020
    Anna ·
    • Flag

    I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Your brother is so lucky to have you, though! I can only imagine what he is going through without having your parents support through his transition. It's really common to have bridal parties with various genders on each side. I am having a bridesman as well and he will be standing with the bridesmaids and wearing a suit. He is not trans and is heterosexual but what your parents are suggesting is the equivalent of my asking my bridesman to wear a dress.

    I think you need to pay for the wedding yourself and have your brother up there with you. Go to bat for him on this one. Your parents are allowing their bigotry to take over this wedding. Don't stand for that. They may not show up- but that's on them. Since it sounds like your grandparents approve, I imagine the rest of the family will feel ashamed of your PARENTS... not your brother. Would you consider talking to your grandparents for advice? That might be a good idea. One thing to wrap your head around too is that one day your grandparents and parents will have passed away and your brother will still be there living life with you. You will spend more of your life with your siblings than your parents.... so do everything you can to protect him and stand by his side.

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  • D
    Beginner August 2020
    Dakota ·
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    Thank you s I much for the response! I really appreciate your input on what to do 😊
    Hahahah my FH said the same thing 😂😂😂😂
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  • D
    Beginner August 2020
    Dakota ·
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    Thank you so much for your advice & input! We are definitely leaning toward this option if we are not able to fund the original venue ourselves!


    I love him, and I will stick up for any of my family if I know someone else is in the wrong! ❤️
    • Reply
  • Onya
    Devoted April 2021
    Onya ·
    • Flag

    I would cut my parents off in A HEART BEAT FOR MY BROTHER!!! They are so selfish. Forget their money. Make NEW PLANS!! Fund your own wedding or ask help from anyone who is supportive.

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  • D
    Beginner August 2020
    Dakota ·
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    It is very very hard for him. I can’t imagine what he is going through and has been going through. I am just lucky that he is in my life, it could be much worse!


    I agree! It’s should be our responsibility to pay & that’s what we were prepared to do until my parents offered and insisted. We should have said no to begin with, because I knew strings were going to be attached down the line at some point.
    Thank you so much for your kind words & your input. I really appreciate it! ❤️
    • Reply
  • D
    Beginner August 2020
    Dakota ·
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    Kristin!
    This has been the best advice I have gotten then far!! Thank you so much. I’m going to screenshot your message and send it to my FH if that is okay with you?

    I love how your friend worded her concerns and expressed her feeling towards her mother. That is exactly how I am going to handle this situation! It will be uncomfortable and suck if my parents decide they don’t want to be apart of our wedding, but at then end of the day I know I will regret my brother not being by my side!
    Thank you times a million & one! ❤️
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