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Beginner August 2020

trans Man(brother) in my wedding parents wont Allow!!!

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Dakota, on February 11, 2020 at 8:38 AM

Hey y’all!

So before I start this discussion, I am really looking for as much advice as I can get. I am not one to reach out to the general public when it comes to situations about family, but I am at a lose for words. I will keep this as minimal as possible for now, to get the point across. I need yalls help.. please & thank you!
My sister is transitioning into a male and has been out for about 5 years now. 3 years ago he announced to our immediate family that he is a male(which I absolutely LOVE & 11000% have NO problems with. He is who is & I love him whole heartedly no matter what!!!) he has since cut his hair, changed his attire, and has been since known as “Carter”. My children call him “Uncle Carter” my non immediate family refer to him by his name “Carter”.
Here is the situation. My parents do not approve. It has been a constant battle with my parents learning to accept him for who is for 3 years now. I want him to be a “bridesman” in my wedding & wear nice slacks, button down, tie & jacket/vest just the same color as our bridesmaids! Whatever he is COMFORTABLE in. It’s his body no one else’s. I informed my parents yesterday. To say the least the situation did not go well. They basically told him that he is not allowed to stand up on my side unless he is wearing feminine attire(jumpsuit/romper) to “match” the bridesmaids. I freaked, was in shock and utter disbelief that they had the audacity to tell HIM THAT! After that happened I called my parents to figure out why they would have told him that. They basically told me that “My grandparents did not approve(they know & approve) and that Carter would be the topic of the night and take away from my wedding day & that they do not want to answer questions about it in the end, because that situation would be thrown onto them”
The conversation came to an end whenever I told my parents that we would push back OUR WEDDING DATE until that situation is figured out and they can get over the fact(it was said nicer) that Carter will be standing with me as my “Bridesman”. My parents then said that it could take 5 years for that to happen and they think it’s BEST FOR THEM IF WE WAIT. I ended up closing the conversation and ending the call.
So my question to y’all is what the heck do I do?! My parents are funding the entire wedding, but it seems as if they are making this about them and what THEY WANT & is best FOR THEM. However it’s not their wedding day it is my fiancé’s & mine! Please help me... because I can not imagine walking down the isle without my brother standing there by my side.
Thanks y’all 💗

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47 Comments

Beginner August 2020
Dakota · on February 11, 2020 at 10:24 AM
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Thank you so much Kristen!
I completely agree with you!!
Haha that would throw everyone for a loop for sure.. lol
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on February 11, 2020 at 10:27 AM
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Oh sure screenshot away! Lol. Glad I could help and I am glad you are putting your brother first. I have a trans student and I cannot imagine how it much be for him in this world. I am glad you are sticking up for him.
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Beginner August 2020
Dakota · on February 11, 2020 at 10:28 AM
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Anna,
Your message to me made me tear up. The fact that you expressed that my brother will be there for me longer is an extremely amazing point & i am so happy that you addressed that to me.

You know what, I hadn’t even thought about bringing it up to my grandparents. I believe that is a great conversation to have with them though to figure out their true feelings about it as well.
I am happy happy to hear that it is common and there are other brides that are having a “bridesman” in their wedding as well. I hope you have the PERFECT wedding day.
congratulations!!! ❤️
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Beginner August 2020
Dakota · on February 11, 2020 at 10:29 AM
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Onya!

That is where I am at right now and that is what is heartbreaking to me. My mom & I have always been so close, but she is tryin to make me choose them or my brother & that’s not fair to me or my FH.
Thank you so much for your reply & helping me through this!
Congrats to your & your husband! 💗
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Master September 2018
Jennifer · on February 11, 2020 at 10:30 AM
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YES THIS!!! Well said!
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Beginner August 2020
Dakota · on February 11, 2020 at 10:30 AM
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Thank you much, I defiantly will send it over to my FH.

Exactly, I could imagine the pain he is going through and is hard it is for him & at the end of the day I will stick up for what is right!
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Beginner August 2020
Dakota · on February 11, 2020 at 10:33 AM
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Kellyann,

Thank you so much for your input & advice. I love this!!
I say that all of the time, you’re 100% correct! Life is way to short and I don’t want to regret any decisions that I make!
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Expert October 2020
Onya · on February 11, 2020 at 10:39 AM
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He will be my husband in April of 2021 but thank you!
Yes it will be difficult but your brother deserves your love more than the people that spawned him. I wouldn't even want them there with all that drama.
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Just Said Yes October 2021
Sanithia · on February 11, 2020 at 10:49 AM
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Pay for it yourself, and include your brother. You are on the the side of right here. And you will have to live with the consequences. I would rather choose the consequence of choosing to love my brother and perhaps straining my relationship with my parents, than choose the consequence of deeply wounding your brother for satisfying your parents.
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Beginner August 2020
Dakota · on February 11, 2020 at 11:12 AM
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I’m so excited for y’all!! That’s amazing!!

Yes, that’s very very true! Hahah that’s what my FH is saying. He is just so irritated and in shock that it happened and went down like that.
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Beginner August 2020
Dakota · on February 11, 2020 at 11:13 AM
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Sanithia,
You’re 100% right. My heart is just so big that I do not want to upset anyone and I need to realize that not every single person is going to be happy... lol

Thank you so much for your advice & response! ❤️
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Super January 2021
Sharonda · on February 11, 2020 at 11:16 AM
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When money is involved, people believe they can dictate how things are done. But I would agree that a difficult conversation with your parents should be had. And although it's a difficult conversation, it can still be a respectful one. It's not easy, but it's possible. At the end of those types of conversations, you can walk away knowing you did the right thing and will have the wedding you want -- regardless of what your parents ultimately decide. Your brother is truly blessed to have your love and support!
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on February 11, 2020 at 12:06 PM
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It is frustrating to see brides dealing with those that offer to pay and try to dictate how someone's special day is supposed to be. I do agree to try to be respectful but be upfront
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Super January 2021
Sharonda · on February 11, 2020 at 12:36 PM
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Agreed, but we have to remember that NOTHING is free. There is a price for everything.
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Super August 2006
Cassandra7 · on February 11, 2020 at 12:47 PM
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Have the wedding you can afford and include your brother. Ten people in a restaurant is fine; cake and punch is fine; eloping is fine--but you pay for it so you get to have it your way. If your parents can't deal with this, I'm sorry for them, but they can stay home.
Don't ask for money.
And I really don't think you can get anywhere trying to have a reasonable conversation with people who are unreasonable (that is, wildly prejudiced and pig-headed, thinking they get to control everything).
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Savvy October 2021
Brittany · on February 11, 2020 at 2:10 PM
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Unfortunately you will have to PAY for your own wedding. There is really nothing you can do.. I would not fold though? Would they be more comfortable with him standing on the groomsman side? IDK. i would stand would my brother idc. they would have to live with it.
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Super October 2021
Kevin · on February 11, 2020 at 2:31 PM
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I would have the wedding you want! If it means not having your parents pay for them. You could always have your brother be your officiant and then your mom would have nothing to say as far as wardrobe goes and your brother can be comfortable if he is comfortable as your officiant or something else in the wedding. I’m sorry that your family is so disapproving. I couldn’t imagine going through that. My sister is gay and I would do anything for her and have and would cut so many people out of our lives that don’t approve!
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VIP August 2013
MAMW · on February 11, 2020 at 3:22 PM
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I love that you are siding with your brother and not letting your parents manipulate you.
I would just be honest with them - "Mom and Dad, while I appreciate that you wanted to pay for my wedding, FH and I can't accept this money anymore if it means that you are going to try to dictate my brother's role in it. We are canceling everything and will fund our own wedding. I will not hear any more opinions on my bridal party. I will hang up the phone or leave the room if you try to talk to me about this, because I have made it clear that your input is not needed or wanted. Your invitation will be in the mail, and if you have a problem with my brother being in my bridal party, I'll make sure that I fully explain your absence to everyone who asks about it."
This is honestly a make or break moment for your family. Your parents are showing you and your brother that people's perception of them is more important than their children being happy. I can't even imagine how hard this is for your brother, but I'm sure knowing that you have his back is making this better for him. You are a great sister.
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Master January 2021
Andrea · on February 11, 2020 at 5:02 PM
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I am really sorry that this is happening to you. Sometimes our parents can be so harsh. Really terrible. I am mirroring most of previous posters suggestions. From today, do not take any money from your parents. Cancel all vendors that they may be under and move forward in funding your own wedding day with your fiance. Your parents probably are going to be super upset, but at the end of the day, but it is what it is. They are not going to budge. They aren't going to be open minded to your brother and who he is. Unfortunately, this means you must move forward in funding your own wedding and have it the way that you want to. That's the catch when our parents pay for our wedding... they want things their way or the high way. I mean, not everyone is like that, but unfortunately your parents are and they are on the really bad, extreme side of it. I have no idea what you financial situation is, but you can always elope or have a SUPER intimate wedding and just do it how you want. If you still want the big wedding but need more money, save for as long as you need to make it happen. I am hoping that after reading some of the comments on here and speaking with your fiance, that you will make whatever decision you feel best. I feel like crying for you because I know you probably feel torn right now. I hope everything works out in your favour. And I must say this is one of the few threads I've seen where poster friends are coming together and supporting. I love to see positivity. I hope you'll find the answers you need.
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Beginner December 2020
Allie · on February 12, 2020 at 2:35 AM
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I would cancel the wedding and do a destination, which is something that can be afforded, and whoever wants to come will go, and whoever is uncomfortable with the situation, will say “I can’t afford it”.
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