To tell or not to tell

View Quoted Comment I totally understand being disappointed in Holly and her carrying this on. At the same time Tim is the one who made the vows to his wife and Tim is the one betraying those vows and Tim is the one in a position of power who is engaging in an affair with a subordinate. That screams of manipulation all around. If you’re going to talk to Holly, which you should, you’ll be better off coming from a place of concern for her than disappointment in her choices.

She may not realize that *when* this falls apart everyone but Tim will be the ones to get hurt. His wife, their kids, Holly. Which really sucks because he’s the one to blame.

This is almost the exact situation that led to my parents divorce. The only difference is that my "holly" wasn't a subordinate.

I 1000% disagree with those who are saying it's none of your business. She has made it your business by telling you. And I don't fault you for re-evaluating your friendship. There are cheaters everywhere - that is true, but I don't have to be a part of it and once I have been made aware of that action, it is up to me to decide how I want to continue forward with that person.

I was cheated on. My ex knew how I felt about cheating which is why he lied to me about it for so long (and apparently so many times). He is not a horrible person, he just wasn't a good person to me and I don't have to be a part of that or allow it in my life.

I also disagree that he is the only party at fault here - not that this matters at all for your question - but I agree with you. She knows he is married with children. She is just as at fault as he is.

At the end of the day, you have already decided how you feel about her actions. It's time to explain to her how you are feeling and why. It may mean the end of your friendship but that may be a consequence of the actions she is taking and she should be aware of that.

I was in a similar situation where a good friend of mine started sleeping with men she knew were in relationships/had families etc and very openly talking/boasting about it. I spoke to her about it and let her know I was unsure as to whether I was comfortable inviting her to our wedding as I didn’t agree with her actions and she had shown interest in one of our friends who was attending but not bringing his partner.
We are no longer friends as she felt I was picking our other friends over her and didn’t think it was my business what she did. While I wish things could’ve gone differently I wasn’t comfortable maintaining a friendship where we clearly had significantly different values.

I would recommend talking to her about it and being honest about your feelings. You don’t necessarily have to mention your wedding straight up but simply tell her how you feel about her relationship with Tim and see how she responds. If you instantly talk about the wedding she may get defensive and you might not have any hope of maintaining your friendship (if you want to). If after you’ve discussed it with her, things haven’t changed/you still feel the same way I think you can just not invite her and if she asks you can choose whether to tell her why or not.

You should be completely honest; she is your friend, and sometimes friends have to give tough love. One of my fiance's friends (who is staying with us until he gets on his feet) has a different girl every month and recently started seeing a woman who is married and has children. To me it's really disgusting, that she does it and that he knows and doesn't care. I told him already in no uncertain terms that he has a plus one to the wedding, but he is not to bring a married woman to a celebration of commitment.

It looks like I'm in the minority here, but am leaning toward considering inviting Holly. You would have had her there if she didn't make this choice, so to me I don't understand why you can't still invite her. Realistically there will be other people at the wedding who've made decisions you strongly disagree with. I'm inviting people to my wedding who consistently vote for people who violate the human rights of my family and support decisions that actively harm my community. But they're still invited.

Definitely don't invite Tim or give her a plus 1. But are you ready to loose this friendship over this?

Her personal affairs are none of your business and don't have anything to do with you, your wedding and more importantly your friendship

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Actually, I have to say Holly has some responsibility too. The one who engages with the married person (and she knows full well and has carried on this facade of just being co-workers in front of his wife and children) is just as guilty. If you recall a traditional wedding ceremony, it clearly states, 'Let no man put asunder'... we all know this line. We all know that you do not engage in intimate or emotional relationships with married folks.

Please do not tell me that she doesn't know this... she knows what she is doing is absolutely wrong. She could've said no and let him find some other hoochie to do this with.

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I think that it is not as easy as that though. Cheating when you are the other woman, from a psychological perspective, is a form of brainwashing. You "have" someone who wants you so badly - which everyone wants - and she truly believe that he will leave. She is still at fault, but I do not think it is so cut and dry. I do think that she believes he loves her and will find out the hard way.

I think a true friend would not judge someone for their choices and instead, support that person when things go to crap because they will. Many people do things (besides cheating) that do not align with our morals and break laws, etc.

Thank you all for your advice. I’ve talked with FH and decided she will be invited but she is not to bring Tim under any circumstance

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Actually, she knows he will not leave her.

Now is it the friend's business to tell the guy's wife... no. I do think being a real friend would be saying, 'Hey, he's not going to leave her. And it's not your right to go sleeping with her husband.' Apparently, her friend needs to be reminded as to the definition of marriage.

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How do you know she knows that? It is known that woman always say "he is leaving his wife" and they believe the guy. It can be months or years! I know this because my aunt was involved in a relationship with a married guy but he was clearly not with his wife (everyone knew even the wife). However, he never left her (even though he is still not with her) and my aunt broke up with him after many years. It is seen time and time again that this woman foolishly believe the guy because they believe that they are the only one loved by him. Not that she is not at fault, but it is more him than her because it is manipulation. A real friend is to not be judgmental. At the end of the day, she is an adult and does not need to be reminded. She will find out on her own when everything goes to crap. The other woman knows it is not right and people break the definition of marriage all the time (meaning reasons beyond cheating).

This is why you don’t get involved with a married man from he beginning! There’s plenty of single available men out there. They have apps for that!