To tell or not to tell

I think that you should be honest with your friend. I think that in any situation when I avoid telling the truth it really just kind of keeps the resentment and the issue buried alive somewhere inside of me and it never feels good at all. Anytime I speak up and I told the truth even if it’s uncomfortable or the consequences are something that I couldn’t have anticipated, I just feel better being unburdened.

I think that you should text her back and tell her that you need to discuss the wedding with her and when is a good time to talk? I think that she should be prepared that you want to talk to her, voice to voice, and then over the phone I think that you should tell her that this isn’t a conversation you anticipated having, but since you’ve learned of her affair it’s affected you in ways that you didn’t think would happen, and it’s really upsetting you when you think about it in terms of your own upcoming marriage.

Then maybe tell her that because of this and how upset you’ve been feeling that you seriously are considering not inviting her to the wedding and that you know that this is going to have consequences on the friendship.


And then I would just go from there, hear her out and have an adult conversation and make up your mind about what you’re going to do after the two of you have talked.

If she’s actually that good of a friend and you want to keep her as a friend I would tell her why you’re feeling the way you are. She should at least understand that she’s doing something wrong!

Are Tim and his wife separated at least? In NC, where I live, couples are required to be separated for at least 1 year before filing for a legal divorce. I know some people choose to start dating during the 1 year separation period. Maybe that is what Tim is doing?

If this situation makes you uncomfortable (which I agree with you, she should not be dating a married man) I would be honest with her. I personally and big on communication and am very open and honest with people. Honestly, someone should have called her out before now!

I think it is fine to not invite her, but you need to be prepared to have a conversation with her about why. She obviously shouldn't be dating a man who is married, but honestly, I'm sure you have far more cheaters on your guest list than you would ever realize.

View Quoted Comment If Tim and his wife were separated or going through a divorce it’d be different but they’re not. Supposedly they’re happily married and Holly has even met his wife and kids!
I have tried talking to her about it and she knows she’s in the wrong and that somebody is going to end up getting hurt but she doesn’t care.

View Quoted Comment Well I would hope not. I tend to think of my friends and family in a better light than assuming they’re cheaters.

View Quoted Comment See, Holly knows it’s wrong and she’s met Tim’s family and believes him when he says he is going to leave his wife for her but we all know that won’t happen

View Quoted Comment Thank you, I truly appreciate all of this!! I am really not looking forward to this talk but I know it probably should happen 🙁

It sounds like you’ve already talked to her about her actions, so I think she could probably figure out why she isn’t invited. If you do choose to not invite her and talk to her about why, I’d just be prepared that your friendship with her could be over because of this.

View Quoted Comment Hmmm...are they in an open relationship? I think that's becoming more and more common.

I say be honest with her though I disagree with the sentiment of her not caring bout the sanctity of marriage. It's Tim that doesn't care about it. Not her. Tim not caring about his marriage has 0 to do with Holly. If he doesn't care about his commitments why should she? I'm just saying tell her how you feel because I'm a straight forward person.

View Quoted Comment She knows I don’t approve, so hopefully she wouldn’t end our friendship over this but if that’s the case then I will understand.

View Quoted Comment Ohh well, I would question her respect for even your relationship as friends then. You’ll probably have to have the conversation with her either way though, you can talk with her before she finds out or it might be her coming to you angrily after she finds out she wasn’t invited. I hope it works out!

View Quoted Comment I agree that Tim is also 100% in the wrong but she knew he was married from the day they met, so to me the fact that she is going after a known married/family man tells me that nothing would stop her from going after any man, married or not. That’s not okay by me and as a soon to be married woman I don’t want her at the wedding if she’s not going to help uphold the vows of our marriage.

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Some statistics I've seen say that 20-25% of ever married men and 10-15% of ever married women cheat on their spouses. This doesn't necessarily mean a full blown affair, but still. I am not saying it is right, but it is an unfortunate reality that not everyone upholds the covenant of marriage. There are people (friends and family) in my own life that I never ever would have assumed had cheated on their spouses, and when I found out that they had I was completely shocked. My own parents had their marriage end as a result of infidelity. I would agree with you that I don't assume my friends/family are in an unfaithful relationship, but the reality is that you have other guests that have been unfaithful in their marriages on your guest list.

View Quoted Comment Thank you!!

View Quoted Comment I get that, but knowing vs assuming are totally different.
If I found out another guest was also in a cheating relationship, especially while married, I would be asking the same thing about those guests.

View Quoted Comment Why should she care?? Ummm....because it's the right thing to do. And doing the right thing should be independent of what anyone else is doing.

Ummm you mentioned that holly met his wife and kids. Did he introduce her as his side piece or does the wife genuinely think holly is just his subordinate at work?
if the wife knows holly is the side piece and is okay with it, then I see nothing wrong. Even though I disagree with their choice.

Oops you said Tim’s family. We’re tou referencing to his wife and kids or his parents/cousins?