The Groom is Freaking Out, Cold Feet. I'll might have a runaway groom.

I am confused... he is having cold feet but you said you don't want to live with him?

First, the two of you need to sit down and have an open conversation about what it is he needs to talk about. You two may need help orchestrating this conversation. Are you getting married by a pastor? Did the two of you do any sort of premarital counseling? If so, get in touch with them about needing to sit down.

Sounds like the issue is inside him, my advice to you is to be happy and shining, do what you normally do, try and speak positive when youre around him instead of like constantly questioning him. But If he doesnt want to get married he should tell you now before you get to the altar

Just give him his space and do whht Anisea said - just be happy and your normal self. Don't hound him with questions. If you don't see a positive change, sit down and have a heart to heart.

Sounds like this post is about you assuming what he's thinking. just because he likes to be alone to think doesnt mean he's getting "cold feet". Just chill out, as a soon to be wife, just ask him, "hey babes everything ok? whats on your mind?" communication is the key, talk it out and if it bothers you that he has to be alone to think tell him that. but ok I think you're assuming.

Be supportive. sit down and talk it out. maybe you two can do premarital counseling, or if you don't have a pastor/the money there are some great books with questions/discussion starters. but over all you need to talk it out.

and what do you mean you don't want to live with him? that seems like a big deal.

His spoke to me, he told me that his done the marriage part years ago, and it was to much. I gave him 10 years of space and us getting married is due. He should of known when the day he ask me to marry him if he was sure. But now his acting like a wussy. Ladies our past history was touch and go. He is afraid to settle bcuz of what had happened to him in the past I've told him forget the past. And move forward. I let him know he can't fix the past. We can move on together and make it right be happy. His afraid of the past repeating, but I can't get off my mind we've known each other for 20yrs, he loves me...But yet he questions us.. smh..

Did you get him an ultimatum?

He needs to get his head straight, not you. Badgering him will not help. I would temporarily seperate (like a week apart) to let him get a feel for what it's like alone. He always has you to come back and comfort him when he comes back from his alone time now. Remove yourself and see how he reacts.

Disneynut no ultimatum. KWells, well I did that I blocked him out of my life and that's what woke him up and he flew out here and asked me to marry him. But I am glad u suggested it. I think I need to do it again. If he truly loves me he should stop the yang-yang baby game and man up. He needs to keep reminding himself of the past. And look towards and a wonderful future. Right. I see I'm going to slowly step back and let him think of the future and whose his hurting.

I'm going to say something harsh, but I think it needs to be said. Your comment, "I gave him 10 years of space and us getting married is due" concerns me. Sounds like you are pressuring your fiancée into a marriage that he may not want at all. Looks to me like you might need to do some serious soul-searching on your own and decide what it is you really want. What is it that is most important to you - getting/being married, or spending the rest of your life with your current partner (albeit without the legal and social benefits of marriage). You may have to make a really tough choice here. Hopefully it doesn't come to that, but I think you should consider the possibility.

LisaKitty, you wasn't being harsh I understand. I love him and he loves me, I just don't want to move in with him and be his live in partner. I want to be more then that. Let me put like this I'm old fashion. I dont belive in just moving in with a man. I could of made it simple and went to court gotten married. But the arrangements are done and to cancel it. Because as soon as he put the ring on my finger, I started planning and I know there wasn't no pressure. I made sure he was sure about it. One thing is the pass haunts him. He has to forget it. ...

It sounds like a serious chat is due......there are more bigger issues here than just a groom with cold feet.....i would be seriously worried if my FH always needed to disappear to think about things.....good luck but please talk to him....dont drag it out

You don't deserve a man who will keep running away. A broken engagement is easier than a divorce. What is he gonna do when he's strapped with a mortgage and kids?! Run away and leave you with it all?! You don't deserve that! Yes, he asked you to marry him but was it an act of desperate insecurity or a well-thought-out want? BIG difference. Have the very hard talk with him. The first time is understandable, but the 3rd time?! actions speak louder than words and he's trying to tell you something. He's not ready for this at this point in time. Consider post-poning at this point in time. His past is his past, yes, but YOU don't need to be paying for it. YOU had nothing to do with his past. He's punishing YOU for his ex's actions and you don't deserve that. He has some growing up to do first.

Annie - There is absolutely no shame in not wanting to live together without being married. It is good that you know what you want, and what you are and are not willing to do. I get that you say you two love each other, and I'm sure you do. However, there still seems to be a HUGE issue between the two of you in that you want to be married, and it appears that he does not. And since you aren't willing/able to compromise into a "living together without marriage", I'm really not sure how this is going to work out between the two of you.

Please, please, please do not carry through with a wedding that he isn't ready for (and may never be) just because everything is planned and people are expecting it. This will only end in pain and heartache for both of you. I know from where I speak, because I did the same thing in my first marriage. Only I was the one in your fiancée's position. I was the one with the "cold feet", and convinced myself that I needed to go through with the wedding, because it was what everyone was expecting, and deposits had been paid, and I had waited for so long for the proposal, and I wasn't getting any younger, and so many other reasons. So I went through with the wedding, and suffered through 8 1/2 years of emotionally abused hell until I finally gathered up the inner strength to leave. And I thank God every day that I was able to do so, because now I have a wonderful life, and a man who truly loves and emotionally supports me. You deserve nothing less than that as well.

Sometimes people need time and space. I am worried because my FH hasn't freaked out at all and I'm worried it will all come out on the day of! Maybe just let him know how you are feeling and see if he has anything to say about it.... Also our preacher sent us a book and workbooks for pre-married couples or married couples that has helped us open up on some things we hadn't considered before. Its called "Saving your marriage before it starts" by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott. Its an easy and quick read and the exercises don't take too long.

Maybe he doesn't feel involved enough with the planning? Maybe the day is turning out bigger than expected? blowing a budget? Talk to him!!!!!

You shouldn't have to 'go away' every time he needs a wake-up call...that's not very fair on you. Like you, I don't believe in living with a guy before marriage so I understand your point of view there...unfortunately, it seems that the two of you aren't on the same page. Are you sure marriage is something he wants? As horrible as this is, two people loving each other isn't going to make things okay if someone feels like marriage/living-together-with-no-marriage is a huge compromise. If he doesn't want marriage and compromises to you by getting married, he'll eventually feel trapped/smothered. If you do want marriage and compromise to him by just living-in, you'll eventually feel something is lacking.

"Making it simple" in court isn't going to solve this. If his hesitation were due to stage fright, then, yes, maybe a small courthouse wedding would be better...however, his hesitations appear to be due to marriage itself...not the wedding.

My recommendation is to get to the root of this and then you can make an informed decision on whether this is the best thing for you and for him. If it turns out that the two of you don't want the same thing, the most loving thing the two of you can do for each other is to be honest and mature about it and maybe go your separate ways to find partners that want the same things.

King hit the nail on the head.

My heart goes out to you and I can tell that you love your FH. That being said, my concern is the "running" away factor. Where does he go? Who is he with? Since he doesn't have family or friends, maybe he needs God in his life. Premarital counsel may clear up his confusions and fears. But it's immature to punish you for his past. Remember, you can move forward, looking backwards. If you guys get married too soon, he may blame you for anything that goes wrong. He may have proposed under pressure & fear of losing you. Fear isn't a good place to start off an engagement. Stick to your guns, don't move in and think positive. If you move in, you might not ever get married. My cousin been engaged & cohabitating for 5 years. My close girlfriend have been engaged for 19yrs & cohabitating. Both of them are still waiting to set a date & their FH aren't ready yet. smh