Telling a friend I cannot make it to her wedding (vent- kind of)

@Davistobe I will definitely let you guys know how it goes, probably won't be until later this month because she canceled to get together for today. But yes, I will update this discussion on how it went. Thank you I'm sure it will be fine- I hope!

I mean...I would think the fact that her own father can't afford to do it would have been a sign to her that she needed to scale back, but I guess not. You sounds like a great friend, and it is not a surprise that you can't afford to drop everything and go on a 10 day cruise, not many people could swing that! 10 days is a lot to ask of someone. When I take a vacation it's 7 days, it's all I am allowed to take at one time, and if I was going to take more than that (my paid time off is like gold to me because it's so rare) it would be with my FH not for someone else's wedding. I would think 4 days would be more in line with what she should expect.

You don't have to go, that's for sure. But no, she probably won't be in your wedding. Also, it sounds like she did consult you and kinda let you know before she decided on a DW, so she will probably be hurt that now you're backing out.

Also, I know from a practicality standpoint your wedding takes the priority and you need to save your funds, but it does feel a little weird to be like "I'm getting married now, so your wedding isn't a priority". We're not taking a full honeymoon because we've got too many weddings to go to next year, but it was important to us for our friends to know that we'll always show up for the things that matter.

So long and short of it, no you don't have to go and that's reasonable, but yes there will be a lot of hurt feelings.

ETA: Did she actually say these extras were required? Or was she just saying that's what she's planning?

@FilleNouvelle and yes she did tell us all back in February that she canceled her initial wedding that is in our home town, and she switched it to a DW. But when we all discussed it, it sounded like it was half the cost then what it is now. If it was only 1500, I could penny pinch and maybe attend. But that also means getting approved for 10-11 days of PTO.. which is really hard for my job.. also my FH and I aren't having a destination honeymoon. Our wedding is Memorial Day weekend so we are just going old fashioned camping- tent and all for a few nights. Plus I'm not putting her wedding second necessarily.. I hope it doesn't sound that way, it was just miscommunication on both of our parts in how much this thing would cost.. plus there is my whole unexpected car situation..

And it sounded like they were required. I could ask if I could get out of some of them, but that means babysitting if I'm just chilling around on the cruise..

@Melissa Oh no, I just meant that if you were to mention your wedding to her, you'd risk coming off as such. I'm sure that's not really your intention!

I think your best bet is just to fly in, since that'll save you at least a few bucks and the PTO time (which is worth bank in my opinion lol). If you did go (and I'm assuming FH would go too), I don't think you'd have to be stuck babysitting. Surely she'd understand that on a 10-day event you and FH might wanna do your own thing for a bit? Maybe spin it like that to cut down the extras?

@FilleNouvelle Oh! Sorry! Today is just stressful and I'm reading into things. My bad!

But I see what you are saying!! I will sit down and see what she says, and when my FH gets back Sunday night I will talk to him too. She is one of my best friends and I am kind of a mess on telling her I wouldn't be able to attend. But maybe we could get costs down.. or do something where everyone wins. If in the end I still cannot attend.. I will help her planning in any way I can. She is still having a "wedding celebration" the following year for those who cannot come on the cruise. I would for sure bust my butt helping with that to make up not going on the cruise!

I would just be 100% open and honest with her. Share with her how you would hope a close friend would share with you. A genuine friend would not be mad. Maybe disappointed, but not mad! No one should ever go broke planning their own wedding, much less for someone else's. She will probably be getting many people having to decline, sadly. Please update us on how it all goes!

P.s finally found a date twin

"We're not taking a full honeymoon because we've got too many weddings to go to next year, but it was important to us for our friends to know that we'll always show up for the things that matter."

I'm sorry, but if this "friend" gets her feelings hurt, tough. This is a person who is asking her loved ones to take 10 days off work and pay for her reception like she's a queen or something. I think it's time she's hit with a dose of reality. The world doesn't revolve around her, not even for her wedding. If she's going to get her feelings hurt over that, then let her get her feelings hurt. Maybe she'll grow up.