Telling a friend I cannot make it to her wedding (vent- kind of)

So because the wedding is more “tropical” we ditched our original bridesmaid dresses (thankfully we got a full refund). The reason why it is costing so much is because I have to account for the ticket for the cruise, the plane ticket to get to the port and back home, the new BM dress, shoes, hair and makeup (she wants us to get them professional done on the cruise’s salon), additional activities on each island she wants us to do, food, the “chef’s table” she wants us to do the night of the ceremony which is $100 extra dollars not including tax or tip, etc. I am really stressing as I want to be there for her. But I cannot do it because of my own funds (saving up for a home eventually, and my car just crapped out on me last week). Sorry, I just need to get it off my chest. The only people who I can talk to are my parents and my FH. I won’t bring it up to anyone else. It is past 3am and I am losing sleep because I am so scared/sad to tell her. Of course I know she will understand, but I just feel bad. I have been going over how I am going to tell her over and over in my head to soften the blow. And it sucks because I want to ask her to be my BM too, but I don’t want her to feel pressure to do it (she doesn’t have to if she doesn’t want to, she is so busy planning the cruise, she just bought a new house, and she has two young children). I just think it is crappy to not be able afford to come to her wedding, but turn around and ask “can you be in mine.”

Ughs.... thats a hard one. I totally understand not having the money in the budget. I guess it comes down to how close of a friend she is. feb 2017 - nov 2018, thats just under a 2year notice to save the money, but if you don't have it you don't have it. As for all the addition costs, those should not be on you. If she wants your hair done there she needs to pay for it. I would probably just bring a curling iron and do my own. If she wants a dinner, she needs to host it. It's hard to believe she would expect you to pay for dinner, thats crazy on her part. The addition activities are optional, cruises have tons of things going on that are included. It may suck to stay behind but she can't just expect to plan an entire vacation for everyone and have them pay for it.

Nope. It's not a measure of your friendship at all. It was her decision to have a DW. That's not on you to accommodate. Just let her know that you can't manage it at this time. Hopefully she'll understand. I would still ask her if you want her to stand up for you, if she can make it I would think she will.

The hair and makeup, paying for your own food, paying for extra excursions, etc. is not on you. Like BlushingBride said, she can't plan an entire vacation for everyone and make them pay for it. I would just be 100% honest with her about the financial aspect. If she truly understands, it won't matter to her that you can't get your hair and makeup done or that you can't spend the money on the chefs table and that going on excursions aren't helping your pocket. My only suggestion is, if she does understand and doesn't care, don't do other things that you told her you couldn't do. For example, don't go on a different excursion when you told her you couldn't even go on one. That would 100% hurt someone's feelings.

She cancelled her wedding because of costs and somehow her new plans are probably just as expensive except now the guests are bearing the expense. I wouldn't feel bad about saying you can no longer be a bridesmaid or a guest.

Sadly yes, all of those expenses would fall on us, she told everyone they would. I could ask to just do my hair and makeup by myself, I usually always am asked to do others as well. Also the excursions are kind of.. "required." We (my FH is invited as well) would be attached to the wedding party at the hip. There is a kind of schedule what we are doing each day. I don't think there would be any alone time (not that we need it as a couple, but I personally need alone time because being around a group for a few days can get a bit exhausting even if I am having a lot of fun- especially because I'm the "odd one out." I don't know any of her family or friends except for the few times I was together with the BMs). Trust me, a cruise sounds so much fun, especially when one of my best friends is getting married. I had an idea about using Groupon and just flying out to Jamaica to at least attend the ceremony and just stay in Jamaica for a few days (4 days), instead of 10 days on a cruise. Only because I really don't think I will have enough PTO hours for the cruise any way and giving 40plus pto hours would be really hard on my part. For my job I cannot ask off without using them.

Edit: The father of the groom is flying out to Jamaica to at least attend the ceremony cause he cannot afford the cruise. I got the idea from what he is doing.

She chose a ten day cruise? That's a lot of vacation days to use. Generally if you are doing a wedding on a cruise people go to the ceremony while the ship is in port get off and the couple sails.

Yes, we would arrive in Texas Nov. 2, stay in a hotel for one night. Take a shuttle to the port and the cruise would begin on the 3rd. It is a cruise that visits 3 different islands in the Caribbean I believe. She would get married when we dock in Jamaica on the beach. The she said the the cruise is like a "extended reception." We would then dock back in Texas on the 11th and fly back home that night (I live in Wisconsin and just looked up flights to Texas and they are more than I expected).

Plus I feel dumb now, I just researched flying to Jamaica and staying just a few nights to at least attend the ceremony, and it is only just under the cost of the cruise if I calculated it right. So I don't even know if I can do that. I really want to go to support her, but if this is going to happen I need to discuss everything with her and crunch my numbers. But right now it looks like we cannot attend at all, especially when I need to get a new car since mine is almost out of life (plus paying for my own wedding).

The nice thing is if I truly cannot go at all.. she is having a "wedding celebration" a year after the cruise to celebrate with friends and family who could not attend.

You are getting married and saving for a home. It doesnt matter if her wedding is over 2 years away because youre being realistic and understand that at this point in your life you will not have the extra money to spare for her wedding. Honestly, shes asking a lot of you and sounds like she is being entirely selfish. Its hard enough to save to spend thousands on your one special day, but spending thousands on a friends special day? Doesnt matter how good of friends you are, you should never feel obligated to do that for friendship and you shouldnt feel bad at all for saying no. Even flying out just for the ceremony will be expensive and while DWs are so common the fact that she changed her wedding to be destination and is putting the cost on her friends... that just sits really wrong with me. All of the extra costs, the plane tickets, the cruise, the activities, hair and makeup, etc. should be provided because none of that was part of her vision when she asked you to be a bridesmaid.

Think of it this way: youre getting married and buying a house. You will probably have the house by the time of her wedding, but are you anticipating starting a family with your FH? If you are then that $3000 could either go toward your future child(ren), making payments on your home, or your friend? No friend should ever expect that kind of money for a wedding. Dont feel bad for putting your well-being first.

Well, all the additional costs like hair and makeup should be paid by the bride. If she wants you to do anything other than show up in the dress, she has to foot the bill. I'm sorry you have to have this difficult conversation with her. It's especially hard to tell people you have to back out of something because of money issues.

Just tell her no, you can't afford it and move on. Personally, I wouldn't even feel bad. When you originally agreed to be a bridesmaid it was for a completely different wedding and that would be reason enough for me to have said no immediately.

This is going to be a UO

I'm concerned you may damage your friendship with this girl. You made a commitment to support her at the wedding. Breaking your commitment because you are getting married is not fair to her.

When you discussed the trip and expenses did you push back on all of the fees? While she is completely unreasonable to expect you to shell out all the cash for the extras, she may be taken aback if you haven't voiced your concerns prior to now.

Rather than flat out tell her you are skipping the wedding, sit down and talk to her. Tell her you cannot t afford the trip as it stands now and ask her to work with you on revising your participation of all the extras. I think your plan to fly in is a great idea.

@MrsRushinin If she can't afford it, she can't afford it. That doesn't make her a bad friend. She's not breaking "breaking the commitment" because she's getting married, she's considering breaking it because this wedding is costing her too much. And that's totally valid.

I would just open with "I'm afraid I have some bad news "...pause for reply, then "I can't afford your NEW plan for your wedding". It's completely unfair for her to put her WP on the spot like this for such an expensive extravaganza without checking with them to see if they can even afford to participate in her NEW plan. And expecting someone to take that much time off from work, if it's even possible, is extremely selfish in my eyes.

She's still having her wedding but has found a way to pass the cost off to her wedding party and guests. If she wants you to get your hair and makeup done professionally by the very expensive cruise salon, she pays. Her and her FH should also be covering the cost of the chef's table for THEIR wedding. This is rude and I would not feel bad telling her I wouldn't be able to make it. Is she on WW? Maybe she'll read this thread and get a clue.

If I were in your shoes, this is not a vacation or an expense I could justify, even if I had 2 years to plan it.

Here is what I would say: "Friend, when I agreed to be in your bridal party and go on this cruise, I thought I'd have the funds and PTO from work to do it. Unfortunately, circumstances have changed and I'm no longer able to participate. I love you and am so happy for you. I just can't go on this trip; and I'm really bummed I have to miss out. I can't wait to see all the pictures! I'll take you out to celebrate after the cruise!"

Don't go into what you're choosing to spend your money on. That's nobody's business but your own.

Don't say this part, but from your story this is what I'm thinking:

UO, but based on the timeline you gave this woman has been engaged since at least summer 2016? That's enough time to save for a wedding to properly host guests (edit: and scale back the wedding to one she and her fiance can afford to host). Or she has champagne taste on a beer budget, and feels entitled to everyone else's pocketbook.

@MrsRushinin That is what I am afraid of. When we all sat down to discuss the cruise on a day with all of the BMs, a lot of them pushed back (2 are pregnant now so idk if they can even go with their soon to be new child(ren). But also I think my friend completely forgot about plane tickets which is 700-800 dollars for me to get to Texas. But the cruise ticket alone is 1200 now that I looked it up, and she originally told us 800. All these new expenses are popping up that I originally did not plan for. I think she thought the ticket was much less expensive because she planned on having us all room together. But most BMs now want to room with their significant other alone without roommates which bummed up the cost. The only BM that is desperate to room with someone is bringing her toddler, and her newborn on the cruise- and she got all excited saying that when she drinks I can babysit in the room (I don't drink). I don't want to pay that much to just be stuck in the room babysitting. Don't get me wrong, I love kids and planning on getting pregnant after we get married.

The thing that is really pushing me back is that my car is not safe to drive, and I have to get a new one before winter as my current crappy car's door and breaks lock up during the cold and either will not start or open/close. I have no choice to but to buy a new one within the next 3 months.

@Everyone, thank you for the inputs. I appreciate it as I feel like I am pulling my hair out. I know she will understand (or at least I hope so), just sucks to say no to a wonderful friend.

Edit: Sorry for a literal "story book" with all the explanations.

If you need to, blame the car. She will show you her true colors if she ends the friendship over your inability to pay for a $3K+ vacation. If she is hurtful back to you, then she wasn't a true friend to begin with.

@CoffeeNColor Thank you, I don't think she would do that or get upset but I am fully prepared for whatever happens. And my mom said the same thing too (I just called her)

ps - cute cat!

Is this woman out of her mind? She's expecting her guests to pay for and go on a 10 day cruise for her wedding? This is insane, selfish, thoughtless and rude. I would not have a hard time saying no to that.