Telling a friend I cannot make it to her wedding (vent- kind of)

We were in a similar situation, friends of ours got married the month before we did and chose to do a cruise/DW. They were married before the ship set sail though, so if you wanted to, you could go down for just the ceremony and then get off the ship. The Groom really wanted my DH to be a groomsman, but after crunching the numbers with our own wedding we couldn't even afford to just have him fly down for a day or 2, let alone have us go on the cruise. We just flat out explained the situation and they understood, because that's why they are our friends.

Also, those other BMs are correct, they may have issues if they have newborns. The minimum age to sail is 6 months on almost all of the major cruise lines. And for those who may also be planning families, most cruises won't let you sail if you are pregnant and past 24 weeks.

@coffeencolor thats a great response! I do think that would be a good way to start the conversation with your friend @OP.

Also, this doesnt sound like any part of attending this wedding would be enjoyable for you. Babysitting children so their parents can drink? Its unfair and this wedding is far enough away where you could very well end up being pregnant at that time as well.

A new car is also a lot to pay for. Depending on what you choose to get and how much you put down you could end up with monthly payments of $250-400 (Im basing that on what my FH and I have paid). So if you factor that in to saving for your wedding and saving for your home... its too much. You said she is a wonderful friend. If thats the case then she will understand. You are making the right decision!

Also dont feel obligated to fly out at all. Even with groupon youd be looking at spending at least $1000 for the trip so it still would be far too much to spend. Say that youre excited for her and want to watch the video/see the pictures when she gets back. Get the couple a nice gift for a couple hundred dollars! You'll actually be saving tons of money that way and how could she complain about that? I don't imagine that on top of people spending all that money to attend that the couple would expect expensive gifts so you can be the person who doesn't make it but gets them something they really wanted. You absolutely should not feel guilty.

Edit: initially I wrote "nice gifts" but inexpensive gifts can also be very nice so that was unfair of me to say

I think she is asking a lot. If she wants you to do all those things she should be putting money towards it too, since it seems like they are not optional activities.

I hope things go well. She should have to understand, it is a lot of money. FH's best friend is getting married 2 weeks before us and its hard with paying for our own wedding and him being a part of theirs.

@AbbyK sadly they are not having the wedding at the port. The wedding is on the beaches of Jamaica. still to pricey to fly out there.

@Alforev Good to know for cars! Thank you! And yes, I just saw on Groupon it would still be too much for us to spend.. thank you for the heads up. Everyone on here is really helpful.

Hmmm, this is really hard. Do you think you could talk to her then cut the cost by not going on the excursions or doing the extras you mentioned? Most of those things she should pay for anyways. Were you going to have to fly to the original wedding? I don't think I would drop out as I made a commitment to my friend and what changed financially was my priorities for my own wedding. I would just work my wedding budget considering this commitment in the same way that I would consider rent or bills. I would tell her that I can't do the extras and go, even if I couldn't stand because of the expense of the dress. I know it is a really tough choice. Best of luck!

@OP - I am having a similar situation. My cousin is getting married on a cruise in June of 2018, and I am getting married September 2018. Now this is a four day cruise, and I'm not sure what the guests are required to pay for aside from their flight and rooms on the cruise. But I totally understand your disappointment and fear. I was SO nervous to tell my Aunt, and Cousin due to paying for our wedding we would most likely not be able to make the wedding, and that the fact really disappointed me as I had hoped to be there. Thankfully they were understanding, and had realized that their decision to have a semi DW meant that some people would not be able to afford to come, and at the end of the day they realized that what they wanted and worked for them may not be best for everyone else. I am sure your friend will have the same feeling, and will be completely understanding! Especially considering you are also getting married soon!!

I do agree with PP though that she cannot plan an entire vacation and require certain things without paying for them. Especially the dinner and hair and make up - those are things that no matter the type of wedding the bride should pay for if shes requiring it, and ESPECIALLY the reception dinner!! thats crazy she would assume bc its a cruise that absolves her from paying.

Sorry, but your friend is a tacky, selfish jerk. The father of the groom can't afford a cruise and she doesn't care? She expects bridal party to take 10 days off work, pay thousands of dollars, and she wants to account for every moment of their schedule? She expects you to pay for food? What's a Chef's Table and why the hell is the bridal party paying for it?

I'd not only back out, I'd end my friendship with someone that self-centered. I'd consider submitting her name for the re-tool of the show Bridezillas.

AdventuresofRuth, everything about the friend's wedding changed. She decided on a DW, then decided on a cruise, and made it a 10-day deal. That's a huge change from what the OP committed to. Not sure how you can stay loyal to a commitment when someone changes all the rules.

This is an absurd request and you shouldn't feel bad at all about declining.

She is wrong. These cruise or all-inclusive weddings are basically expecting guests to pay for the wedding. It saves them money because the guests pay. Just let her know now. If she gets mad -- she was not a friend to begin with.

If I was ever invited to something like this, I would also have to say no. I don't get enough time off and the price is ridiculous. I would just tell her it's way out of your budget and you want to be there, but because you and your FH are saving for a home and your car crapping out on you, it's a no can do. Tell her you've looked into other options like meeting for the ceremony but it's still out of your price range. She should understand.

You agreed to be in her wedding party when the original wedding plan was different. Now that she's demanding folks go on a 10 day cruise (WTF), I think this is an easy, "Sorry, I can't afford it."

I guess I'm horrible because I don't think you should feel bad at all about not being able to go. This isn't a vacation that my husband and I could afford just for the two of us, I certainly wouldn't spend that money to be at someone's beck and call for the vacation she planned for me. You agreed to be a bridesmaid for a different wedding under different circumstances.

I think your friend is being unreasonable and selfish, and if she does get mad at you, I think it says so much more about her than anything else. Please don't feel bad. A true friend would understand and not get mad at you if you could not afford to attend their wedding.

You are a grown woman. No one can make you pay for hair and makeup or require your presence and participation in on-shore excursions.

Requiring you to pay for your own wedding dinner at the Chef's Table is ridiculous. She has managed to offload the total cost of a wedding to her guests, even the post wedding meal.

A TEN day cruise?? Required excursions, required spa services (which are grossly overpriced at resorts/cruises), additional meal costs when you are ALREADY paying for food as part of your ticket price?? (Sounds sort of like a RD which should be hosted by the bride/groom...) Girl, I don't blame you one bit! This is extreme, this is over the top. My DH and I don't even spend $3000 on our annual vacations, we don't even take 10 day vacations, let alone to attend (fund) a friend's wedding.

You just have to be honest with her and hope she understands. She probably should have thought about the fact her own fiance's dad couldn't afford it before planning something so elaborate. Its ironic she cancelled her original wedding only to plan this second wedding that ends up costing her GUESTS more.

Omg this bride is out of her mind! Her expectations are insane. The costs plus the time off required are over the top. Not to mention the extra costs she is passing down to YOU that she should be covering herself. Chef's table on the night of the ceremony? That's called the reception. The bride and groom cover that, not the guests!

Please don't feel bad about declining this at all. You committed to being a BM for a local wedding, not a 10-day, 3k vacation wedding. Her FFIL can't even afford it!

Just be honest. If she is upset with you for declining, she is clearly a selfish jerk.

Thank you everyone, I was planning to talk to her today to tell her that I'm sorry, I cannot go. But she canceled she just bought a house with her FH, and she is really busy. I don't think it is appropriate to tell her through text or over the phone so I will have to wait until later this month. I thought paying for a cruise was normal for the wedding party before WW, I'm so new to weddings and very ignorant on some information. So I appreciate the clarifications.

Again, couples who plan elaborate wedding functions, parties and assorted falderal aren't thinking about the bridal party. 3,000 bux is a lot of money for a wedding attendant to spend, especially when you're planning yours. If you really want to participate, perhaps you could budget $100 a month and hopefully that will cover the cost by Nov.2019? I bet you get $ for gifts. Use that maybe? You need to think about what's important.

Oh, your post just popped up. Looks like your problem is solved.

@ Melissa: I agree, the cat is cute.

I am floored by all of this! Your "friend" joked that this was an "extended reception" well guess what the bride and groom pay for the reception as a thank you for attending their wedding.

I hope your friend is understanding and if she isn't as others have said she may not be a real friend. Good luck with your conversation let us know how it goes!