So Stressed Out!! Not excited about the wedding!! Spirlaling out of control!!! (long)

I lost both parents and paying for wedding with FH. I think in your situation you should just elope. You don't want to feel like you owe your FH family after the wedding. Elope

View Quoted Comment Completely agree with this!

My finacèe is 40 and I'm 34. We have paid and saved for our wedding together. Did get gifted from my parents and his what they could do, one time. I'm learned never to expected anything from anyone family wise. Especially when you are doing things that don't center around them. I have slim family support, but the less the more my finacèe and I can do. We are adults, it's our decision and we are going to be happy.

Sorry, I think I posted on the other Crystal's post. Got a little confused

First off, you shouldn’t concern your mother with helping financially. If she could help, she would have offered. My mom’s family couldn’t help at all either- in fact I’m paying for my parents’ attire, etc. FH’s family is very nice for helping, but they shouldn burden her with that. Thats their CHOICE to help. That’s not a requirement- your mother’s only requirement is to be there the day of and be happy for you- especially in her older age. As far as the MOH, some are really excited to be helpful and do a bunch of stuff, but all they really have to do is show up in the dress. I personally don’t having a MOH. If you’re worried about FH’s family dictating too much because they’re contributing, you can respect my decline their offer, or you can let them make the calls. I can I understand how that would be stressful. We got engaged in 2016 but aren’t getting married until 2018 so we could save up ourselves. Hopefully you and FH’s family are able to work something out so it reduces the stress for everyone!

Hi Emily, sorry to hear you're so stressed out. When I got engaged to my fiance, we started planning right away and I'm in the same boat, its just my mom and she's on disability and not really in a position to help. She feels bad enough and so I never asked even when my FH asked me to see if she could. I explained to him the situation and he understood. His family was willing to help pay for stuff but we put off the wedding planning almost a year. We picked a date and changed it 3 times because we didn't have the money and I didn't want his parents paying for everything. We started saving $50 / month and then when we were better equipped $100 and anytime we had any extra (birthdays/Christmas $ after getting coffee or dinner together). We saved about $1800 by the time we stared planning. Now we are abut 1/2 way through the money ( we went very inexpensive on everything) and his parents have helped to pay for things here and there. I took on an unexpected dress cost ($900) and luckily I was part of a class action for non-paid wages and it paid for it. Sorry off topic. I also took side jobs when I could, you could look into driving for uber/lyft in your spare time? I babysat and helped clean for people to help get a little extra (I work as a preschool sub in a very small town so I don't get many hours)

My best advise is to say pay for it yourself but I also understand that's not always possible.

I would ask you to remind FH of your family's situation and ask him to respect that it is not something you feel comfortable asking for help with.

Ask him to also remind his family that this is a wedding for the two of you and your taste & opinions should be represented and that if they cannot support that and not demand it be done their way, then you need to find another way to pay for it, or do it their way and deal with it. Either way I think you need to talk to FH and make sure you guys are on the same page.

Take a little time for yourself. Draw up a bath, light some candles, relax and don't think about it for an hour or two.

good luck, and don't forget to take time to do little things for yourself; bath, cup of tea, I clean sometimes lol, just do something to help relax you whatever it may be and do it once a week/every other week to keep you sane! Planning a wedding is stressful in its own but adding the extra drama and pressure only makes it harder.

Breath in through the nose for 5 seconds, hold for 3, then release slowly through mouth. Repeat as needed.
you are you’re own woman. Be proud of everything that you have accomplished! You are strong!
i have a huge loan that I contribute to every month. My parents are not contributing to the wedding at all. You’re doing better than me, I don’t have any girl friends to be in the show! (I am asking FH sisters cause of courtesy).
Sit down with your FH for a serious discussion. Pay for your own wedding, that’s what I’m doing! My FH has not offered to contribute anything, so it’s all on me.
sit down and make a detailed list of your income by month. Then write all of your bills and how much. Find out how much you have left over and put whatever towards your wedding. Your wedding date doesn’t have to be right away. We planned ours two years out because it will take that long to save! And it’s ok !
1. Establish your budget. Based on your budget, then you can venue hunt. Remember getting married on Friday or Sunday is often cheaper. That will help.
remember, you are a strong independent woman. You don’t need to rely on others to make your day beautiful.
Regarding hour FH family contribution, after you set your budget figure what you can pay for and then ask them to contribute to one area (if they pay for the flowers, they may have a say, but only with flowers). All about compromising

You should be enjoying this time......definitely just politely decline your FH families $ and just ask the norm of them, tell them you appreciate them and you're so excited to share this special time with them. Do what you can......the most important part is enjoying and living in the moment with your fiance...celebrate the marriage at this point. Elope somewhere tropical and then have a big celebration with everyone like a party when you can afford it!

First of all take a deep breath!!!! Talk to your FH and explain that you know that your family can contribute nothing and its not their responsibility. Explain that you feel guilty about this issue and the fact that his family is footing all the bills. Tell him that the wedding is becoming something that neither of you wanted and honestly you just want to scale it back. Be honest with him. As for asking other family member stores contribute it is no-one business nor should they ask anyone for money. Once you have this convo with your FH then the two of you can figure out how you wish to address his family and their gift. Personally I would refuse their gift and then elope or have a very small ceremony with only parents, siblings, and then dinner/lunch after. As for children...it can still happen.This seems like it is huge issue for you and you should go speak to your dr and see what options are available for you to achieve this. Wedding planning is stressful regardless of finances, in laws, family, etc. Just take a deep breath and realize that the most important thing is that in the end you two are married.

You have two options the way I see it, elope or stretch the engagement until you have saved for the wedding you want. If your FH or his family is pushing for your family to contribute and you know your family can't afford it, you're risking creating some wounds that will be tough to heal. And that's a rough way to start a marriage.

Personally, my family is very well off. They contributed nothing financially. They offered nothing and we did not ask. My husbands family doesn't have a dime to their name. We knew from the beginning that we would never ask or accept money from them. We put aside money every month for a few years and had a bomb wedding that we are proud of and had a ridiculously good time. Not a stress to be had.

Elope with your closest friends and family. Have fun.

I'm marrying for the first time at 50. I think it is so awesome to be old and in love.
Only your doc can tell you if you've missed your opportunity to start a family. Go talk wither her and come up with a plan.
Eloping might be a great plan for you. I know there were pkgs in Savannah where they provided an officiant, flowers and a photographer for 90 min for a cost of around $600. You could invite 10 people. Then go out to a nice meal. Most cities have something similar.

View Quoted Comment But if she said she'd be somewhere OP would like her to go with her, and she keeps flaking, it's very frustrating. Wedding or not.

If I had a fiance who wanted me to tell my elderly, not in good health mother that I was disappointed she didn't have money to help pay for a wedding for a 40 year old bride, I'd kick his ass so hard that my foot would be permanently lodged in his anus. If his mother wanted me to ask my brother for money for a wedding for a 40 year old bride, my other foot might get real busy too.

Then, I'd get a bottle of wine and contemplate whether I was making the right decision.

Just have a small wedding YOU can afford. It isnt about the wedding, it is about the marriage! Tons on people pay for their own wedding. Also plenty of ways to save money between second hand dresses and accessories, DIY, Facebook marketplace, Craigslist, etc.

And don't worry, you can still have kids at 39

View Quoted Comment Lovr this response

• Your husband telling you to tell your elderly mother you are disappointed in her for not contributing to your wedding is disrespectful. You shouldn’t be embarrassed. There’s nothing you can do to change her circumstances. I hope you are not serious about being ashamed of yourself or your family for not contributing. That’s incredibly sad. It’s nobody’s fault and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
• Decline your FH’s family money if you don’t like their ideas and it’s not the wedding you want. You’re an adult who has had time to save money and pay for your own wedding. Go to the courthouse and elope, have a destination wedding, have an intimate ceremony and reception. It’s not really worth the headache accepting money with strings attached.
• A lot of women on this site don’t have large groups of girlfriend. It’s a topic that comes up frequently. I only had one friend in my wedding party, the rest was family. I invited exactly nine girlfriends to the wedding. Since I’ve moved, one keeps in touch. Quality > quantity. It’s better to have a couple solid friends than hundreds of friends with empty relationships. You’re not alone in this respect.

Also many women have get married and have children later in life. Everyone can always think, “wow I thought I would have been [blank] by now” or “I wish I was already [blank].” But the truth is, if you change all the past events in your life so you could make [blank] happen, you wouldn’t be where you are now. And looking at your FH, how much would that suck if you didn’t know him? I had planned for an entirely different career which would have had different educational requirements and I would have inevitabley had a different friend group when I graduated. I often wonder (mostly when I’m frustrated with my current career) what life would be like if I had gone the other direction. Then I realize I would have never met the girl who introduced me to my husband. Seriously, we would have never crossed paths and he lived in a different country when we met. We would have never met and that is just so much worse than me not fulfilling my past predictions for my life. Not the same as having kids - just wanted to point out that you still have time to have children, adopt, do whatever you want to do AND you get to do it while building a life with your soon to be husband!