So Stressed Out!! Not excited about the wedding!! Spirlaling out of control!!! (long)

Solution. Decline FH's family money and do something you can afford on your own. Do not have him contact your elderly mother asking for money she doesnt have. By removing the IL's from the situation you will clear up both feeling bad and you will be able to follow your vision for the wedding.

Lower your expectations with your MOH, she doesnt have to plan your wedding.

Best advise is breath. btw people will tell you here all your MOH needs to do is buy a dress and show up, however I side with you and understand as my MOH was not into it for a long time. And adoption is always an option but i dont think you have missed your window.

I, honestly, would elope. Long weekend in a nearby city with a $50 dress and a corsage. I feel like they're trying to shame you from coming from a poor family, or that they don't believe you. (I could be wrong. All of my opinion is based on the information in this one post.)
I am also an older bride. I know that you've probably had some vision of this since you were a teenager and it feels like I'm doggin on you. I'm not. I really do think this is your best and happiest option.
I will be 42 when I get married. I don't wish I'd had children because I know the circumstances I was in. I just wish I had been in better circumstances. But, to quote a great man, "I ain't dead yet."

No one is obligated to pay for your wedding. It's nice when parents can help out but it is definitely not required of them. It is also terrible that your FH and his family are acting as if your family is less than because they cannot contribute. I would decline FIL's money and pay for the wedding yourself. It would give you free range and likely reduce your stress level.

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Agreed. I think the old adage that the bride's family should pay for the entire wedding is pretty much not a thing anymore. My parents live paycheck to paycheck and can barely pay their rent 99% of the time. Never did it cross my mind to ask them for assistance or expect their financial assistance.

Have the wedding YOU can afford with the money you and your FS are able to contribute and save. Decline financial assistance and then you don't have to feel guilty or take anyone's opinions.

Take a deep breath and try to relax. In terms of not having a venue and date, that's perfectly OK! Planning a wedding takes a much time as you want it to take. I planned my wedding in 8 months, which was more than enough time and honestly I'm glad that I didn't have more time. It was driving me nuts. I have a friend planning her wedding in six months. They found a venue with the date they wanted in the city where they lived with no problems. It does not need to take a year or more to plan a wedding. In terms of cost, it gets uncomfortable when other people's money is involved. But try to have an honest and open conversation about how much they can contribute and what's its going to be used for. I suggest just asking them how much they are willing to contribute. Honestly, the MOH for most people is not a second wedding planner. The MOH generally plans the bridal shower (maybe) and the bachelorette but if you don't have date yet, then those things can't really happen.

It sounds like you’d benefit from some professional counseling. That might help you work through some of this stuff.
I agree that you shouldn’t be asking your mother for money she doesn’t have. Talk to your FH about this.
As for your future in laws, you may have to forgo them paying and do a wedding you can find yourself. That is if it being a specific way is important to you.

Please don't ask your mother for money for the wedding. It seems like you already know she doesn't have it, and it isn't her responsibility. I would either decline your in law's generous offer and plan the wedding that you want and can afford or elope. I don't think that you have missed your opportunity to start a family.

Relax you have over a year left. Just take a deep breath.

No one has a responsibility to give money for your wedding but you.

There is nothing wrong with you or your family. Your FH and his family are being completely unreasonable. Family is not obligated to pay for a wedding. If your mom is elderly and in poor health, she should prioritize spending on her basic needs over paying for a wedding. I am concerned that your FH's demands for your family to pay is demonstrating a strong disregard of your well-being and your family's well-being. Does he normally treat you with disrespect, or is this an aberration? I hope he doesn't normally behave this way.

Do you want a large wedding? It seems like even if the in laws pay, it might not be enjoyable for you. A large wedding is not at all necessary. You could elope. You could have a small celebration for only those who are closest to you. There is no obligation to have a huge expensive wedding. You need to do what is best for you (and your FH). If his parents pay, you can't avoid considering their opinions. But if that is stressful (which it sounds like it is!) you might decide to just do something small and simple (or skip the wedding and elope).

I’m an older bride (41) and I’m paying for my own wedding. It’s absolutely unacceptable that the in laws are trying to get you to extort money from your ailing mother for a party. Before anything else—you and FH need to sit down and talk—about money and about his family’s role in your lives. Once you get on the same page, they need to take a hike and the two of you need to come up with what would make you happiest, and what is within your means. Trust me, when you take back control of this, you WILL be happy and excited!

The fact that you are 39 and still expect money from your parents baffles me. I can't get past that.

Okay, first of all, you need to take a VERY deep breath! This all sounds incredibly stressful and I get it. Wedding planning is stressful enough and it doesn't help when stress about money is present.

Anyway, I agree with other PPs. Ditch FIL's money. I understand you want your dream wedding, but maybe you can have a vow renewal down the road when you've saved up for it. If their money means they are dictating what YOUR wedding should look like, it's 100% not worth it. You can easily do a smaller wedding or just elope and spend a fraction of the cost. And maybe if you do this in a rational manner, your FH's family will see how you feel and work to fix that with you.

Absolutely, do NOT ask your mother or brother for money. Like you said, I'm sure your mother isn't feeling the best that she cannot help with this. It's very rude of your FMIL to want you to ask her what she'll be contributing. I get paying for an entire wedding is stressful, but under the circumstances, she should be a little more understanding. And it's not your brother's responsibility- you are 100% correct. Asking him would also be rude.

The MOH thing kind of sucks, I get it, you want that support and when you ask your MOH you have certain expectations. She's not REQUIRED to do anything for you, but her being completely uninterested would put me off, too. Sit down with her and talk to her. Tell her how you're feeling and ask if she's got something going on that you aren't aware of. Communication solves a LOT of things. If she's still distant, then that's on her, just turn to some other friends for moral support.

Women don't suddenly become infertile when they're 40. That's an old wives tale. I actually read something the other day that women in their 30s and 40s only have a drop in their fertility rate about 6%, so you are perfectly capable of still having children, and like others have said, there are always other options. Sometimes life doesn't work out the way you planned it, and that's just fine. Just take everything one day at a time and breathe.

A wedding is one day. You're marrying the person you love for the rest of your life- focus on that. You'll be just fine!

You need to relax and breathe. Just elope if this is too stressful. The point is to married. Elope if you want. Have a party later. You don't have to have a lavish event you can't afford. Or you can wait until you can afford it. Plus any contribution is good we have none and we don't expect any from our families. It's not their wedding. You also don't NEED bridal party. Less you have to spend and worry about. Also give your MOH a chance you have to coordinate with her schedule or do things you need to do alone or with your FH. It's not fair to think she has to make herself available to do things for you. Figure out your guest list and your budget and see if you can make it happen before spiraling into a stressful event. You have nothing booked so your not indebted to anything you can consider all the options.

I say elope or have a SMALL wedding. You can do immediate family and friends at a local park/restaurant. Keep costs low by opting for brunch or luncheon style wedding. You can also do shorter hours to make dj and photography costs lower. Or go on a wedding moon just the two of you and if people want take them out for a night when you guys come back happily married.

I know the feelings you are having about come from a different socioeconomic class than the future in laws. My mil loves hounding us about the way we are planning our wedding because we are paying for it all ourselves. Total wedding costs is 3700 dollars for 90 people, she hates that we are having paper plates and a buffet, that my friends have volunteered to keep full. But it's the wedding we can afford so that's how we are doing it.

I actually looked at several consignment stores for my dress and they do have great prices and beautiful options. I agree with everyone on here about your fiancé’s family’s contributions... if it is going to be an issue and cause further turmoil with mom, it’s not worth it. Do not worry too much about baby... https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.dailydot.com/irl/adam-ruins-everything-pregnancy-myths/

First of all take a deep breath. There is only so much you can control. Get over the fact that your parents didn't owe you an education or a wedding. You're 39 years old and have been waiting for this engagement for years but put nothing aside to help fund it? If not, okay - that's where you are. FIL's contribution comes with strings? Don't accept their money or their demands. Stop thinking your BM is going to do a bunch of work for you, that's not her job. Now sit down with FH and determine what you can feasibly save between now and your wedding and base your decisions from there. Create the wedding that you want with the funds that you will have. Now imagine how fun it will be planning the wedding you both want - maybe something simple and romantic. Keep in mind that the most important thing to be preparing for is the marriage, not the wedding. Get back on Cloud 9 with FH and enjoy your engagement

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@Crystal....I am not expecting money from my parents...I never did. I knew at a very young age I would not have my father to walk me down the aisle bc he would not be alive and I would have no money from my family. Your comment was a bit harsh. I have done everything on my own since I started working a part time job at age 15. Its the stress of my FH family expecting the money from them. Thanks for reading my discussion though. I appreciate that you took the time to read it and respond your honest opinion. And I NOT meaning that sarcastic at all.

Thank you again for your time.

Goodness. You’re creating all this stress yourself. Do not ask your mother to contribute(!?!), and pay for your wedding yourself. Also keep in mind that being MOH is not a “job”, what do you expect her to be doing?