So Stressed Out!! Not excited about the wedding!! Spirlaling out of control!!! (long)

Need to clarify the MOH stress....i am not expecting her to do anything expect be there and support me. And I am not feeling that way. Feel like she is not supportive of my engagement fully and her being retired I thought she would be more available. Again not asking for her to be with me all the time. But what I have asked her to be a part of I had to reschedule or go by myself. Just really stressed and not trying to lash out. Haven't talked to her yet about my concerns. Also she told me to keep in mind her daughter's game schedule when planning my wedding so she can attend.

You need to have a convo with FH and put him in his place so he can reiterate to his family to put our and back off. None of them should be asking you to ask your family for money. If they money hinges on your family contribution, which is kind of sounds like it does, then no you don't want their money. And when I say put FI in his place I don't mean getting all nasty and rude to the man you love, but he is clearly under some strong assumptions or is just a puppet for his family and thats not cool. You two are a team and he needs to act like it.

Back tot he money. Do something small you two can afford and thats it.

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She doesn't have to go with you anywhere to be supportive 24/7 when ever you want. I know wedding shows/blogs make you think this but even though she's retired she has a life. Who is this woman to you? Share with her what you want and she will make time when she can.

You shouldn't be embarrassed or feel guilty about the fact that your family isn't contributing. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about that. No one's family has to pay for anything, if they do well that's nice of them. You need to cut the FIL's and do something small just the two of you. If you're set on having a wedding but you can't pay for it then...I know this sucks but you're just going to have to deal with the FIL's. You'll have to deal with your MOH not being as present as you'd like. You seem really unhappy though, so I don't know why you'd want to continue to go through this. From my perspective you have 3 choices

1. You and FH have a small wedding you can afford and have total control (accept that your MOH isn't very present and move on).

2. The FIL's pay and you don't complain or be upset (because you are knowingly choosing them to pay for it, so naturally they will take control).

3. Go to the courthouse then run off to a beach somewhere or drive to a different town with some nice resort. (No drama, no stress, saves a lot of money).

Also, you can totally adopt...I know the process is long and expensive but it's still achievable.

First, I would be incredibly disappointed if my FH wanted me to have a conversation with my mother regarding her finances. You have been with him for 8 years, correct? At this point, he should understand your family dynamics and how they live. Why would your FMIL think it is even remotely appropriately to pressure you to ask your brother for money? Your FMIL's lack of respect for your family is quite unnerving. Have you talked to FH about how this makes you feel? At no point should you feel pressured by your soon to be family into pressuring your family.

Take a step back from planning and breathe. Your wedding is not about how fancy it is or how much money you are able to put into it. It is you and your FH coming together and celebrating your love for each other; hopefully, with a bunch of people that you love celebrating with you. If you only have a limited amount of funds, keep it simple.

Parents are not OBLIGATED to pay for ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would never expect my mother to use her fixed income to pay for my wedding, something that is my choice to have. Tell your FH and his parent's the TRUTH!!!! That your mother can not afford to contribute. I think you guys should just elope.

Wow ... i wanted to say stressful .. but at almost 40 you should be able to contribute to your own wedding .. dont ask your brither .. if ny brother hes 35 asked me to contribute money yo his wedding .. id probably laugh in his face . Most women on here are younger then you and have syudent loans and paying for their entire wedding on their own .if your soon to be in laws dont like that nobody is contributing .. then they dont have to pay for it . Personally id elope .. cheaper more personal .. seems like thats all you can afford and thats fine .. i wish i did it

Decline the parents money, so you have the wedding you want with your FH, and not what they want.
You and your FH want to get married, so pay for the wedding yourselves.
I think it would be absolutely not a good idea to ask your mother how much she plans to contribute. It's not her wedding.

I'd take a breath and sit down with your fiance. What are you expecting from your wedding? What are you comfortable accepting from people?


Personally, if my parents weren't paying for my wedding we'd be getting married privately on the beach (we live at the beach) and having a nice dinner with family. Then we'd save up and have a big to do for an anniversary.


Maybe this is a good idea for you?

I wouldn't ask your mom for any money, because it sounds like you know the answer already. No need to throw salt in the wound. You and your fiance need to sit down and determine how much you can put away each month towards this wedding, and that will be your budget. That's your starting point as far as wedding planning. Then create a list of "must-have" guests and look for places that can fit in your budget with that number of guests. It doesn't take alot to do a dinner in a private room at a restaurant. It might not be the wedding you thought you'd have, but if you can still add personal touches with your flowers, music selection, cuisine, etc.

I love the option of going somewhere on a mini vacay and getting married. It doesn't have to be cheesy, make it a luxurious experience. You can have an intimate ceremony, go to a nice restaurant, stay at a nice hotel, and maybe get to working on making a baby

Breathe... no one should ask your family for money. Not only is asking for money a big no no, it is putting your family in a terrible, uncomfortable situation. It may even cause them to feel embarrassed or ashamed because they simply can not afford . Just imagine how they would feel. You & FH are obviously also in the same situation since your are in need of his parents assistance. Please decline any help from FH family. You are a 39yo woman & I'm sure you are marrying a grown man. You both need to do this on your own & do what you both can afford. As PPs have said, elope, do a small wedding or courthouse wedding. If the celebration is important to you, you can do a vow renewal on an anniversary. Remember that in the end everything is still the same, you will be married to your love. I'm 43 and after 9 years we will be married in May. It didn't matter what type of wedding we were going to have. It only mattered that we were marrying the love of our lives. Be happy you found yours, many people go a lifetime looking for love yet never find it.

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My EXACT thoughts.

Take deep breaths. I promise it will help. I will keep you in my prayers. It will all work out. My FH and I were to be married on April 7th. Almost everyone we know has the flu. I'm very ill, too. So we had to send out an official postponement. Some of our guests had already purchased non-refundable plane tickets. STRESS! STRESS! STRESS! But guess what, things are beginning to fall in place. We are paying for our wedding, too. Ours is October 20th. Think most couples do pay today. As far as your gown, please take this advice. Here are several places you can find a beautiful gown on a budget: Salvation Army, Ebay, a consignment shop, or borrow from a relative. I've seen gowns on Ebay for$50.00 and also at a consignment shop. I wish you all the best. Just believe.....it will happen and on your terms. Getting married is what is important.

Instead of your FH pressuring you to talk to your mom, why don't you both just do something simple. I think in a way it's kind of mean he's pressuring you to talk to your mom. If he already knows the situation, why keep pushing it? If his parents want to pay, great. But you mentioned they're making the decisions. It's not going to be the wedding of your dreams if everyone else is making decisions for you. You can save money and push the date or simply elope.

Sometimes we have to back up and look at things for what it is. If it is a bother i wouldnt do it. I would push the date back and pay for things slowly then do things my way. Its your dsy and you should be happy anf looking forward to making memories.

View Quoted Comment Very beautiful Shawb

So many concerns here. Are you really in the place to be getting married and having children right now? I'm older, we paid for our entire wedding. Kids are a lot more expensive than a wedding. When did you finish college? Student loans are supposed to done in 10 years. Your FH needs to deal with his parents. I could never imagine asking anyone to add their brother to pay for something.

View Quoted Comment Thank you, Bessie!! ❤

YIKES that is hells rude of FH’s family to suggest you ask your own family members who have not offered. You are correct— do NOT do that.

Just eloping isn’t a bad idea. You can do a court house thing, invite close friends/fam, and do a causal dinner at a restaurant after to celebrate.

Based on their suggestion that you ask your family for money, fh’s Parents sound like a bit of a piece of work, and sounds like this will be relentless the WHOLE planning process and will probably hold it over you the whole time. Don’t let them do this. There’s no shame in your family not contributing and they don’t need to contribute t was something they volunteered so it’s rude of them to be annoyed/bothered/expecting when your family doesn’t. I honestly feel like this is not of their business anyway (my parents are contributing and fh’s Mom is contributing but neither know what the other is investing, and they certainly don’t need to!)

i think the advice to refuse their money and plan the wedding you can afford and want is the best bet. Even if it’s signing the license and grabbing dinner with one witness, whatever— remember the important thing is the marriage, not the party.

so, the important thing is— get on the same page with FH about what you want. Compromise some to find middle ground if you need to. Figure out what works best for you both. If he wants something more extravagant, it’s plenty fair to use his parents’ money.
If you are using their money, be very precise about it. Yes they pay they get SOME say, but...it’s not THEIR day so they don’t get to trample over you and make it something you don’t want. If they’re trying, step back and turn down that money. They want this 1500$ dj you hate? Say ‘no thank you, we will handle the dj’ and so on and so forth. Maybe that means they give you $1500 less. Be okay with that. Get the day you want, and can afford

View Quoted Comment Please read her post again before commenting!