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Beginner January 2022

Sibling Upstaging

Aura, on September 16, 2020 at 1:12 PM

Posted in Family and Relationships 65

Long before my SIL announced her engagement, my FH and I knew we were getting married and just waiting for the perfect time to propose. I'd already tried on gowns and chosen where to get the ring and scoped out venues. So when she made the announcement I felt a little upstaged but knew she didn't do...

Long before my SIL announced her engagement, my FH and I knew we were getting married and just waiting for the perfect time to propose. I'd already tried on gowns and chosen where to get the ring and scoped out venues. So when she made the announcement I felt a little upstaged but knew she didn't do it on purpose and we waited to make our announcement until almost a year after since their engagement was going to be for a while and we were busy with trying to move out of state.

When we finally did get engaged everyone seemed happy. SIL wedding date was a year before ours until COVID. She had to postpone and the date they chose was a month after our wedding. Her parents are coordinating their wedding and they are my FH's parents as well. No one asked if that would be too close to our date or conflict with what we had in mind. They just grabbed the next available date for that venue. Again, I thought okay that's a bit annoying, but couldn't be helped.

Our wedding will be an elopement then a ceremony just for close family. But it's a destination wedding so we need someone to check in on our pets for a couple days while we're gone. We usually ask my mom, but she's had health issues and heart problems lately and flying back and forth to our home would be a strain on her. So we asked my FH's parents. They recommended that we have their friend, who we barely know, come to the house and watch them instead of them driving out or flying out to do it. They constantly take road trips to our area, vacation here, and my SIL's wedding will be in our state a few weeks after we'd need them to watch the pets. I'm not sure why they won't do it, but my FH knows they play favorites and usually want to be available for the SIL.

I thought Okay maybe we'll ask again later when all this COVID stuff dies down and they feel safer. They told my FH that they are going out more, dining out... So I thought let's try again to ask. This is the only thing we're asking of them for the wedding. Meanwhile, they are paying thousands of dollars for SIL's wedding. They've offered to help us monetarily, but this is all we ask.

Now, SIL makes another announcement. She's pregnant. And the baby is due a month before our wedding and two months before her wedding. Why she planned it like that, I don't know. But it definitely seems planned. She must have known that meant she couldn't attend our family wedding she's invited to. And now the parents are saying they can't watch our pets because they have to stay with her for a whole month before our wedding. It doesn't make sense. A month before our wedding would still give them time to come and watch our pets for a few days.

What do you think is going on and should I feel any sort of way about this? Because right now it's seeming like it's all about her and what she needs and my FH is just an after thought.

65 Comments

  • A
    Beginner January 2022
    Aura ·
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    Wow I might consider talking to a therapist. That's not fair. A lot of people come into these forums with bad feelings towards in laws. I hope most of them aren't told to talk to a therapist. In law issues are common. Favoritism between siblings is common. Me talking about those issues doesn't require therapy. And yeah sometimes people plan things regardless of how it might impact your special day, maybe not out of spite but because they don't care about your special time. She could have waited. But that's her choice obviously. I'm more upset that the parents use it as an excuse to not help their son. And i'm not sure why you wouldn't think that I'd eventually let it go. This is a forum, this is the place to vent. If the answer was always just let it go, no one would come here to talk.

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  • A
    Beginner January 2022
    Aura ·
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    I hear you, but random people don't always know the details. I do. I hear all of you and will of course consider it. It's not unreasonable for me to have my own opinion on this topic. Especially since, I'm living it. I'm not sure what you want me to accept. I don't know what her intentions were behind scheduling all her big events around her brother's big event. I simply find it odd. And I'm not unreasonable for thinking there's sibling rivalry and favoritism. I've seen it. If the people here aren't open to the idea that I might have some valid points that's ok.

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  • A
    Beginner January 2022
    Aura ·
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    It's not that they owe us. It's that this is the one thing we're asking that we actually could use. And all they've done is made excuses to avoid it. It's nice when parents can help you when it's easy for them, but it means more when someone does something for you that takes effort from them.

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  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    This is honestly one of the wildest topics I've seen on WW so far. Do you not think that it's ridiculous that you expect your SIL to plan her entire life, literally when she will have children, around your wedding day? And your in laws should take a flight to check on your cats that only need attention every few days? Like it's hard to understand how you don't see the problem with what you're saying.

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  • MOB So Cal
    January 2019
    MOB So Cal ·
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    A response can be “supportive” and also not agree with you.... I’ve read a LOT of these forums and they sometimes get pretty heated. From that perspective, I think responses here have been very supportive. People have agreed that your feelings are your feelings and you can and should have them, but are trying to get you to understand that there might be other reasonable interpretations of the behaviors you’ve described. At the same time, we’re not aware of the years of “bratty selfish behavior and arguing with parents for fair treatment,” which were not mentioned in the original post. If you and FH agree all of this is just more support for what you’ve always thought, then together you, with or without the help of a a counselor, might benefit from deciding how you want to move forward. If it’s that big a problem, you could confront them or reduce your contact with them, etc. Good luck to you; wherever it comes from, finding peace would be my preference. Anger and jealousy can be incredibly draining and damaging — to you — and usually don’t change the others’ behavior.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    First, bottom line, they do not seem to want to watch your pets, ever, so forget that. It does not matter if you think it os doable. They do not want what it entails. .... I don't think there is any deliberate upstaging of you. A month apart, even 2-3 weeks, is plenty in a family. And people can try for babies 5x a week for 8 years, or just do what they feel like, with no plan, and surprise! There is no sign of malice no upstaging. And parents are clearly more interested in their prospective grandchildren than your pets. They do not need any excuse to not pet sit. If they do not want to do it, there is no reason for them to do it. Even if they do 945 helpful things for others, there is no reason for petsitting for you., in the next 20 years. I am sure there have been times they have done things for each of their children in the past. And will be in the future. Maybe they will help with children, or if one of you needs surgery or is bedridden But basing this "They favor her over us" on a wedding date, their having kids, and whether or not they want to pet sit, 3 totally unequal things, has no substance.
    ... Find a vet who boards pets, or ask one if they know reliable pet sitters. We do. Works fine. Since you turned down all that money they offered for your wedding, you likely can scrape together costs of a pet sitter.
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  • T
    Super April 2021
    Tiger Bride ·
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    I don't think I understand. You are having a destination wedding, right? One that your parents, his parents, and you have to travel to? So who is watching the cat when everyone is out of town?

    (Side note, I have a cat and I would not leave him alone for "maybe two days". I can see checking on the cat once a day but even that's pushing it.)

    If your wedding is in 8 months and your SIL is due a month before, that means she is about 8 weeks pregnant. That's hella early to announce a pregnancy. I doubt she planned it, especially two months before her own wedding. Maybe they were irresponsible but birth control does fail, unplanned pregnancies do happen.

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  • Katie
    Expert January 2021
    Katie ·
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    It's not unreasonable to think they're sibling rivalry or favoritism - there probably is. Again, that's why people are suggesting to move on because there really isn't anything you can do that will change that. If they favor one child, they do and probably always will. It sucks, it will continue to suck. But you can choose to not let it affect you and just move on.

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  • T
    Super April 2021
    Tiger Bride ·
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    When I was in college and a couple years after, I was about 800 miles away from my parents. They would come down to visit me, make a vacation out of it, etc. My mom put tens of thousands of miles on her car doing just that (I am an only child so definitely "the favorite"!).

    I cannot *imagine* asking them to drive all that way to take care of my pets (didn't have him at the time, but if I did) when I wasn't even there! That just seems strange and overreaching to me. They probably would have done it, because my mom is like that, but it's a massive and out of the ordinary thing to request.

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  • Julie
    VIP February 2020
    Julie ·
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    Her pregnancy wasn't planned. She's not trying to upstage you. The only birth control that works 100% of the time is abstinence. She could be super responsible and still get pregnant. Nobody wants to be 2 months postpartum at their own wedding. It's miserable (incontinence, bleeding, lactation, soreness, breastfeeding, no sleep etc). It's worth it because people have a tiny human to take care of. And if it's their first grandchild of course they'll be excited. And you're borrowing trouble because 1) she's not even through her first trimester, and 2) she may postpone her wedding BECAUSE she's pregnant right now. Besides, COVID ruined almost all 2020 brides' plans. Rescheduling a month out was super lucky and nice of them in the first place. There's no way anyone could know you were planning to plan the perfect engagement. Find joy in your blessings. You'll hopefully soon have a beautiful niece or nephew and you'll be married to the love of your life.
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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    I definitely understand your frustration. My brother-in-law got engaged two days before us. My husband didn't realize his brother was planning to propose until both guys already had plans in place. My brother-in-law's wife's mom was flying into town to see her daughter get engaged and my family was driving two hours to see me get engaged so there was no way plans could be changed. This was not at all what I envisioned when I got engaged. At the time of our engagement, I said with my brother-in-law and his wife standing there that we wanted to get married September of the following year. Not even two hours later, his wife texted me that they were looking at September dates for the following year. I was livid because I felt like they were trying to steal our wedding date. They ended up booking their wedding for August 31 because the venue they wanted didn't have any September dates available. We had toured venues prior to them announcing their date and told the venues we were looking at September, but we had to change our entire plans because of my brother-in-law and his wife. I definitely was angry with them, but it did me no good because at the end of the day they weren't going to change their date. We ended up getting married six weeks before them because that was the only date that worked for us. I totally getting feeling upstaged and like your wedding isn't as important. I hated having to pick a different date/season because I always wanted to get married in the fall. You made the comment that his parents are offering to help pay and plan for his sister's wedding, but they also offered the same to you. You choose to elope so there really isn't anything for them to help plan. My brother also got married the same year as me. Like me, he had a large wedding. My sister was supposed to get married, but she ended her engagement. She met someone new and got married without telling anyone on my husband's birthday last year. Like your fiance, she has always felt my brother and I are my parents favorite children. After she eloped without telling anyone, she tried to demand money from not only my parents, but our entire family. She felt that because my parents helped with my wedding and my brother's that she was entitled to their money. My parents would've gladly helped had they been included in her wedding, but they found out about the wedding via text message which was heartbreaking for both of my parents. They ultimately choose not to give her the money which of course upset her, but they weren't just going to hand her over thousands of dollars like she asked for. While it might not seem fair to you that they can't watch the pets, it is understandable that they wouldn't want to drive or fly just to check in on your pets even if they have taken vacations in the past. I would assume those vacations were for things they enjoyed doing rather than taking care of someone's pets. I would focus on figuring out another alternative for who can watch your pets. This happens when you decide to have pets. As for your future sister-in-law's pregnancy, I am currently pregnant and it took us over a year and a lot of struggling for me to get pregnant so if someone thought I did it to upstage them I would be heartbroken. I am due 4 days prior to my grandmother's 70 birthday. Under normal circumstances, I would love to be able to celebrate her birthday, but given I will have just had a baby that won't be possible. Yeah, she might be sad she I won't be at her birthday party, but she will be happy that we had a baby.

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  • CountryBride
    VIP April 2022
    CountryBride ·
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    After reading the responses many people are telling you what you need to hear not what you want to hear I understand that your upset that your sil has a baby and a wedding and you are sandwitch in between. but everyone gets one day she gets a wedding day you get a wedding day and I doubt that she got pregnant on purpose, you are shamming her for getting pregnant cause it interfiles with your thunder . sorry to burst your bubble but no one is going to stop their lives for your wedding, and you are shaming them hmm they should have been careful during covid are you the baby police? Things happen. instead of being negative how about be positive say things like congrats maybe she was being a brat before because she felt judged, by you. here is the reasons why I doubt they did this on purpose said this in a previous post but will state it again, as I am a mother of 8 I have been pregnant a few times and can tell you the first 8 weeks after having a baby is pure hell, between leaking breasts , your body going back to normal and having bleeding for the first few weeks it's not present, I would suggest you come up with a plan b for your pets and be kind to your sister in law she is pregnant

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  • Margaret
    Master October 2020
    Margaret ·
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    Parents are always drawn to the daughter, it just is what it is. A grand baby sadly trumps a lot and if it’s the first grands - double Trump.
    Women want their mothers around post baby, and mothers want to be available around the clock for their daughter and especially the grands.
    It’s not personal. It’s a mom-daughter connection. Daddy’s little girl!
    I’d suggest finding a reliable pet sitter
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  • Natalie
    Super November 2020
    Natalie ·
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    Definitely a wild one! Lol
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  • Katie
    Dedicated October 2021
    Katie ·
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    There’s a lot going on in this post and first I just want to point out that presumably you came here looking for an honest third party unbiased opinion on the situation and that’s what you got. I posted on here about a SIL issue I’m having and knew there was a chance for strangers to not see things from my POV or for me to be the one called unreasonable or irrational over her. Some people sound “meaner” than others but it’s really just bluntness.
    I also think you’re reading too much into every little action everyone takes. There’s no way to truly plan a pregnancy for a specific date even when actively tracking and trying. It takes a lot of couples multiple times over months or even years of trying. She had to postpone her wedding due to covid but maybe they didn’t want to postpone family planning too? I also agree with others it’s very possibly I planned because why would she risk being pregnant around her wedding time on purpose? It doesn’t sound like you two are very close where she would discuss these personal things with you. To me it sounds like you are the jealous one.
    The reason you came to this forum seems to be for validation that your SIL is upstaging you and also the parents should grant you this favor Watching your cats since you didn’t ask for anything else of them. I have to agree with all the previous posters that it doesn’t really sound like your SIL has done anything wrong in the situation you described (that’s not to say she hasn’t done stuff in the past but in this instance you’re asking about she’s done nothing wrong or upstaging). As for the parents they offered to help you financially but not with the cats That doesn’t mean they are favoring either sibling just because their offer of help wasn’t the exact kind of help you wanted. They clearly didn’t want to do it before the pregnancy and understandably don’t want to now. You’ve harped on the idea that since they visit you often and vacation and don’t mind traveling they shouldn’t mind doing this favor and the fact is they just don’t want to and shouldn’t need a reason. Although I agree with others that it’s an unreasonable request on your part. I’d never ask my parents to travel to our state to watch our dog even though they have the means to do so and they love my dog. I’m sorry you did not get what you wanted from WW but maybe you should take some of this advice to heart and learn to let go.
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  • Shirley
    Expert November 2020
    Shirley ·
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    This is all ridiculous, sorry. You don't get to feel any way about people not wanting to pet-sit, I don't care if they like 5 miles away or 500 miles away. You don't get to be upset about the timing of SILs pregnancy or her wedding. I don't get why some people think women can time the exact month they want to deliver their baby, even with all of our advances in fertility this is still very difficult to impossible.
    I don't think anyone you have mentioned did anything wrong that should have upset you. You seriously need to take a beat
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  • mrswinteriscoming
    VIP December 2021
    mrswinteriscoming ·
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    What Katie said is spot on.

    I understand that you have some doubts as to how planned your FSIL's pregnancy was. I can tell you that I personally know three women who fell pregnant and had children while on birth control because they forgot one pill, or took antibiotics and forgot to ask about interaction with their birth control.

    Sibling rivalry and favouritism is a real thing, without a doubt. I have personally felt it with FH's family myself - his family couldn't see us for X,Y,Z reasons but could easily go and visit FH's brother and their grandchildren (we are both an 8 hour drive from them) which I totally understand, even though it still bothers me just a little.

    I think you need to accept things for what they are, make peace with it, and focus on the positives going forward.

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  • A
    Just Said Yes October 2022
    Alessandra ·
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    Except you’re asking for a favor, which means “No” is a potential answer. Give up trying to ask them, they’re not going to do it and find an alternative.
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  • A
    Just Said Yes October 2022
    Alessandra ·
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    Support doesn’t mean absolute agreement with everything you say. The majority of responses here have suggested you stop reading into everything your SIL and parents-in-law are and aren’t doing. If you don’t want to take that advice, that’s on you. But just because you didn’t get the kinds of responses you wanted (e.g. “You’re right, SIL is totally trying to upstage you and your in-laws suck!”) doesn’t mean the responses here aren’t valid.
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  • L
    Expert September 2020
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    I mean I wouldnt ever plan a pregnancy around someone else’s wedding, not even a family member. I also feel like flying to watch someone’s pets is crazy. I would never ask my parents to do that, the first logical step anyone would come up with is hire a local pet sitter
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