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Beginner January 2022

Sibling Upstaging

Aura, on September 16, 2020 at 1:12 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 65

Long before my SIL announced her engagement, my FH and I knew we were getting married and just waiting for the perfect time to propose. I'd already tried on gowns and chosen where to get the ring and scoped out venues. So when she made the announcement I felt a little upstaged but knew she didn't do it on purpose and we waited to make our announcement until almost a year after since their engagement was going to be for a while and we were busy with trying to move out of state.

When we finally did get engaged everyone seemed happy. SIL wedding date was a year before ours until COVID. She had to postpone and the date they chose was a month after our wedding. Her parents are coordinating their wedding and they are my FH's parents as well. No one asked if that would be too close to our date or conflict with what we had in mind. They just grabbed the next available date for that venue. Again, I thought okay that's a bit annoying, but couldn't be helped.

Our wedding will be an elopement then a ceremony just for close family. But it's a destination wedding so we need someone to check in on our pets for a couple days while we're gone. We usually ask my mom, but she's had health issues and heart problems lately and flying back and forth to our home would be a strain on her. So we asked my FH's parents. They recommended that we have their friend, who we barely know, come to the house and watch them instead of them driving out or flying out to do it. They constantly take road trips to our area, vacation here, and my SIL's wedding will be in our state a few weeks after we'd need them to watch the pets. I'm not sure why they won't do it, but my FH knows they play favorites and usually want to be available for the SIL.

I thought Okay maybe we'll ask again later when all this COVID stuff dies down and they feel safer. They told my FH that they are going out more, dining out... So I thought let's try again to ask. This is the only thing we're asking of them for the wedding. Meanwhile, they are paying thousands of dollars for SIL's wedding. They've offered to help us monetarily, but this is all we ask.

Now, SIL makes another announcement. She's pregnant. And the baby is due a month before our wedding and two months before her wedding. Why she planned it like that, I don't know. But it definitely seems planned. She must have known that meant she couldn't attend our family wedding she's invited to. And now the parents are saying they can't watch our pets because they have to stay with her for a whole month before our wedding. It doesn't make sense. A month before our wedding would still give them time to come and watch our pets for a few days.

What do you think is going on and should I feel any sort of way about this? Because right now it's seeming like it's all about her and what she needs and my FH is just an after thought.

65 Comments

Latest activity by Michael, on January 3, 2023 at 12:34 AM
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    I think it's a little irrational that you're upset at your FILs for not flying to your city to watch your pets. Hire a pet sitter and move on.

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  • Chrysta
    Master November 2022
    Chrysta ·
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    I totally understand being super selective about who watches your pets. I am a puppy mom, and I don’t trust hardly anyone to watch my baby! However, it sounds very certain that your future in-laws are not going to watch your pets for you. I would stop wasting time and energy on being upset with them or trying to figure out why, and would instead put that energy towards figuring out a solution for a pet sitter.
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  • H
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
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    So, I'm an outsider looking in obviously, so there many be a lot more dynamics than I am aware of. However, this is how I see it from what you wrote. How far away do his parents live from you? You mentioned them not driving or flying in to watch your pets. I personally think it's a really big ask to have someone fly to your home to pet-sit. And I would never expect anyone to do so, especially when they are traveling to that area a month later for a wedding. I'm also confused. Are they not invited to your ceremony? Or is it that the elopement only is a destination?
    In regards to the SIL, I don't really see her doing anything wrong. Her and her future spouse decided to get engaged on their time schedule. I don't see how she was upstaging when you guys weren't making any real plans of when to get engaged. It seems like they got engaged, picked a date, got screwed by COVID and moved the date to a date that wouldn't require them to lose their venue and any money from their deposit. Even if the baby was planned, it is entirely the couple's decision when to have a baby. I get that it's upsetting for you, but at the same time....people's lives don't stop for your wedding. You are entitled to your feelings, but I'm personally not seeing anything in your description that shows your future SIL is purposefully trying to upstage you or that your future in-laws are favoring their daughter over their son. You said they are paying a lot of money for her wedding, and they offered to contribute monetarily to yours. That sounds like they're being pretty even. Just because you declined the money doesn't mean that they need to drop what they are doing and travel to watch your pets in order for it to be "even" with what they gave his sister.
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  • CountryBride
    VIP April 2022
    CountryBride ·
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    I understand your frusteration with the pets but hire a pet sitter, You are being irrational due to thinking she is trying to upstage you with her pregnancy sometimes these things happen, You get one day she gets one day and maybe the baby has nothing to do with you guys, just move on

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  • CountryBride
    VIP April 2022
    CountryBride ·
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    Yes this 100 percent

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  • A
    Beginner January 2022
    Aura ·
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    Hi Caytlyn, I guess it can seem unreasonable, but they are flying back and forth or driving to go and be there for their daughter. Just not for their son. So I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for one favor. Especially if that one favor is something they do all the time. As I said they constantly drive to our area and vacation here several weeks out of the year. It's not unreasonable to have people we know drive or fly out to watch them. Hiring a pet sitter is simply not something we're comfortable with. Strangers in our home is not really an option. But thank you for your input. I will think about it.

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  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    Flying out for the birth of your grandchild and flying out to pet sit are two extremely different things. I know that our pets are our babies, but your daughter giving birth to a real life human is kind of a big deal.

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  • A
    Beginner January 2022
    Aura ·
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    The thing is, I don't think this was an unplanned pregnancy. You could be right though. It could have just happened. I guess I just think in this time of Covid, knowing you have your own wedding coming up seems a little odd that they weren't being more careful. Of course we'll move on, I'm just upset that the parents are showing her so much more attention than their own son. That's not irrational, it's actually happening. Hiring a pet sitter is just not what we want to do. I'm not sure if she's trying to upstage us, but it is upstaging a bit. Intentional or not, I don't know. But he is the younger brother and she's had some jealousy towards him in the past.

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  • T
    Super April 2021
    Tiger Bride ·
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    I think flying to watch someone's pets is over the top. I get that they travel to your area but presumably they travel to actually see their kids. It's one thing to visit family and another to fly somewhere to pet sit.

    Also, are they invited to this destination wedding? Or are you getting married to their son, without them there, and you want them to watch your pets?

    Are you getting married January 2022? How is your SIL pregnant if that's the case?

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  • E
    Super October 2020
    Emma ·
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    Parents suck when they show favorites. If the baby is supposed to be born a month before your wedding then they wouldn’t be missing anything right? Now granted we shouldn’t just expect people drive/fly out of state for a favor but it still sucks if that’s something they once never had a problem with. Do you have any friends, or a coworker that could pet sit for you?
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  • A
    Beginner January 2022
    Aura ·
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    Everyone lives very far away from one another. They can drive or fly in to watch the pets, either way. They take long distance road trips all the time. They seem to prefer that to flying. You're right it might be a big ask to have them come all the way to watch our pets, but honestly, it's the only thing we're asking of them for our wedding. And it's not unusual for them to take long trips back and forth. They've always said they don't mind things like that. They've driven to come and stay at our place several times already just for vacations.

    Yes they are invited to the family wedding. Honestly, the only reason we need a pet sitter is because we extended our stay to have a family ceremony. So really, we're staying away longer from our home so they can see us have a ceremony. And no she wasn't upstaging us when she made her engagement, it's a bit upstaging when you plan to have a baby a month before ours and her own. I just don't know why she didn't wait. I don't expect her life to stop, it would be nice if she considered her brother's life too. We're not asking them to drop anything. We asked months ago before the baby announcement. And the dates don't have to overlap at all. If she delivers a month before our wedding, that month doesn't conflict with when we'd want them to watch our pets. So it's kind of just an excuse. And giving us money is not as important as giving us peace of mind.

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  • A
    Beginner January 2022
    Aura ·
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    It's a favor. I get that they travel to see their kids, but they also travel to vacation. And this would be a big contribution for us to feel comfortable during the wedding. So it's more about them doing us a favor. Yes they are invited to the destination ceremony for the family, not the elopement, but they are days apart. The only reason we are staying away longer from the pets is so that the parents can be there at the ceremony that's for them. I didn't spend time filling out the profile on the site.

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  • CountryBride
    VIP April 2022
    CountryBride ·
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    It's not upstaging for her to have a baby a month before her own wedding and your own, are you 100 percent sure she planned it that way or could it have been a unplanned blessing, I think you are being irrational, your in-laws could be wanting to spend that month with their daughter due to the baby. Having a baby is a huge deal and as new parents they will want that extra help, to squeeze in a nap and or god for bid if the baby has any difficulties they obviously don't want to pet sit for you so just let it go. if you cant hire a pet sitter maybe you could board them at a doggie daycare or something,

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  • A
    Beginner January 2022
    Aura ·
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    They have always shown favorites in this family. I noticed when I'd go on trips with them everyone would have to share the space in the summer apartment and the sister would always get the private room with a door. And my FH would get the pull out sofa in the living room. She'd constantly throw tantrums and had a bad attitude towards me until she started dating her FH. It seemed like she was always jealous that she was older, but he had a longer steady relationship. She never said hi to me for years until I said it first every time. She's always been cold towards me and her brother. And the parents don't talk back to her when she'd have a tantrum. So yeah they kind of just want to keep her calm.

    No they wouldn't be missing anything. I'm sorry that I did hope they'd do us this favor since we never asked anything of them for our wedding and even threw another wedding just for the family. We'll figure it out and probably ask another friend if possible. But we don't really know anyone close by personally. Thanks for understanding.

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  • E
    Super October 2020
    Emma ·
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    When is your wedding?
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  • CountryBride
    VIP April 2022
    CountryBride ·
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    You are sounding a little judgemental maybe she was on birth control and took a antibiotic that could have jacked it up. Accidents happen I am a mother to 8 and my last daugther was a IUD baby . but I doubt that they are spending all this time thinking about ways to upstage you . I don't think anyone wants to have a new born baby and a wedding at the same time especially since. the first 6 weeks is hell, your body is getting back your bleeding and you leak breast milk everywhere so I doubt they are trying to do that on purpose, And of course they are showing more favoritism to the daughter a baby is a huge deal compared to a dog and it's not uncommon for a mother to spend time with her daughter after the daughter gives birth

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  • H
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
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    I didn't even look at the date. If that's true then yeah....that doesn't make any sense.
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  • A
    Beginner January 2022
    Aura ·
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    I think you misunderstand. I'm not upset at all that they're flying out to go see their grandchild, but not pet sit. I don't think my of my pets as my babies, I care about them, but I don't compare them to human children. I get that her pregnancy is a big deal, hence the upstaging. I just don't know why she chose now... You don't think it's at all odd that someone would plan to get pregnant just before their own wedding? And not thinking of birth control during this pandemic is odd( if it was an accident). Most people I know would probably be very careful about accidental pregnancies before their wedding.

    And now the parents have an excuse to say they're busy when they're not. Spending a month with her doesn't have to conflict at all with our dates. They won't necessarily overlap. And again, they tried to pass this off before they ever found out that she was pregnant citing that they might need to be around to help the SIL for her wedding. I think they're just trying to have their schedule open for her and not my FH.

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  • needmorewine
    Expert May 2016
    needmorewine ·
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    No one is upstaging anything. Find a pet sitter or boarding facility, most veterinarians in my area offer boarding services. It's unreasonable to ask anyone to travel just to pet sit.

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  • A
    Beginner January 2022
    Aura ·
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    You don't think that's reaching a bit? She took an antibiotic? I doubt that they're thinking of ways to upstage us too. But sometimes people want to be the center of attention. Right? This is not the first times they've shown favoritisim. And honestly, that's not okay. Just because we are choosing to wait to have a baby doesn't make it fair for them to treat one sibling better than the other. They can spend time with her all they want, they can also take 2 or 3 days to spend time to do their son a favor for his wedding.

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