Sibling Upstaging

Reread what you have written and pretend that this is a letter from someone else. I would also add that one does not become pregnant at the drop of a hat. So planned or not, this has zero to do with you. Please reassure me that you both presented your congratulations at the happy news.

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There's reason if they constantly travel and have repeatedly said long road trips are nothing to them. They vacation here all the time. It's not unreasonable to stop over for a few days and check in. They could have just treated it like another vacation.

Going by your post title and this statement: "So when she made the announcement I felt a little upstaged but knew she didn't do it on purpose..." I feel like you are reading too much into EVERYTHING your future sister-in-law does (right up through when she gets pregnant). You weren't engaged so she literally could not have upstaged you (not that upstaging is really a thing). So, I would try really hard to stop viewing all of her actions though that lens. You will be so much better off if you can let ALL of this go.

And as far as the pet sitting thing goes, I agree with everyone else that you are not entitled to your future in-laws' time or money, so you should accept that you need to find another pet sitting option. Do not let this issue affect your relationship with them.

For the record, I also have dogs whose care I am very picky about, but it would literally never occur to me to ask friends or family to fly in to watch them. When my husband and I moved out of state last year, one of our first goals was to meet local dog owners with whom we could build a reciprocal pet sitting relationship with. COVID stalled that out and we aren't traveling now anyway, but we definitely won't be planning any travel until we find a dog solution.

And finally, I understand it sucks when parents play favorites. But there is literally nothing you can do to change this long-standing family dynamic. Feel your feelings but don't let it get in the way of making your own plans for things.

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Well this isn't about reassuring you. And I have thought about this a lot. I wouldn't write what I don't mean. I know that people don't get pregnant at the drop of a hat, that's exactly why I think she planned it. And that's why I think it's strange to plan for something that conflicts with both your own wedding and your brothers. She must have known she wouldn't be able to attend our wedding. And now she has two events all about her with us sandwiched in between. I know you think it sounds selfish, but our wedding was just as momentous as hers. And planning to have a baby right before our wedding undoubtedly takes away from some of that especially when the parents now have to chose to be with her first. I'm sorry you can't see anything from our side, but there are two sides here.

View Quoted Comment Frustration when things don’t go your way is understandable, but I agree with others. At this point, it’s time figure out a plan B for the pets. His parents said no. My parents used to pet sit for my brother all the time, then one day they drew the line and said they wouldn’t do it anymore. My dogs are more low maintenance than his, and I’d asked them to pet sit once, but because they stopped watching his pets they said they couldn’t watch mine either to be fair, even though I never took advantage of them. Bummer? For sure. But having pets means you figure it out. We had my fiancé’s coworker stay at our house to watch them. You have plenty of time. Pay the way for a friend or family member who you trust to drive or fly out of no one is near by. His parents don’t owe you anything. They offered to help in other ways and they don’t want to do this.

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I think you're right, I can't change the family dynamic. But their family dynamic does effect me. When they treat their son like he's second to his sister, I share in that treatment often. I deal with those consequences. I know most people on here don't ask family to come sit for their pets, but we do. And this is a very rare instance since we moved that we'd ask anyone to fly here. I normally wouldn't, but this is because of our wedding. We don't want to pay for a kennel or a stranger to come into our home when we know we have very well travelled parents who love to drive state to state who could do this if they want to.

I clearly said she didn't do it on purpose. I said I felt upstaged as in someone stealing our thunder. It is possible for that to happen. Imagine being about to announce that you're pregnant and someone who's never been that nice to you comes along and makes their announcement before you. It's not their fault, but you might have some feelings. I didn't say she did upstage, I said that's how it felt. I think this is the right place to say how I felt. You may be right, maybe I am seeing it through the wrong lens. But his sister has always been bratty and wanted her way. I guess it's hard to unsee that after such a long time of knowing her.

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I totally agree, it's time to move on from that option since they don't want to do it. We're already trying to figure that out. I just came on here to vent a bit and see what others thought. Most can't put themselves in my shoes. You're right they don't owe us, but they could show their son how much he matters as well. Honestly , that's really what upset me the most. It seems like every time his sister wants something she gets her way. But it seems maybe that's too "irrational" to discuss here.

View Quoted Comment Never said that I think you are selfish, just recommended that you reread what you wrote. Sometimes, it helps to get clarity on a subject when we are feeling upset about a situation. There are two sides and it also helps to remove oneself from the equation to truly see both sides. You seem to be very upset about this pregnancy. What I was trying to convey is that it is rather difficult to plan a birth for a specific time. If you are not happy for them, that is your business. I hope you find some peace of mind and enjoy your wedding.

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Our wedding is in 8 months. Hers in 9. I simply didn't take much time to fill out my profile here.

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It's actually not that hard to plan a pregnancy if you are trying. Sure there are complications, but we all know that it'll take about 9 months give or take from conception. She clearly planned to have a baby before her wedding. If not then it was an accident that conflicts with everyone's wedding plans. I just wish their parents wouldn't use it as an excuse to avoid doing this favor for us.

I didn't read all of the responses but who is watching the pets when everyone is at the ceremony?

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You're right I will have to let it go. It's really surprising to get this kind of response of just move on. What's the point of a forum if people can't talk about their thoughts and feelings. I guess we should just tell everyone to let it go if something is bothering them. I don't have anything against them wanting to spend time with her. It's the using it as an excuse part. It's the not really trying to bend over backwards to help their own son as much as they are willing to tend to everything for their daughter. It could very well have been an accident. And that's fine. But if it was planned...

View Quoted Comment Regardless, take time and enjoy your engagement. Try for your own contentment to move forward. Again, best wishes to you.

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That's the thing they really only need to be checked in on. That's the thing with cats. If we left them for a few days they're fine. Over a week, there's pee all over the bed and things knocked over and broken. So just a quick check in usually keeps them calm. It's just the way they are. It didn't have to be a big deal at all. But just checking in on if they still have food in their bowls, water, changing the litter pad so it doesn't overflow all over the floor. It wouldn't have been that complicated. Then they would have been left for maybe two days alone for the ceremony after the check in. Not a big deal.

At the end of your OP you asked, “what do you think is going on and should I feel any sort of way about this?” You’ve received a lot of responses that consistently convey most people think you are reading into the situation and over reacting — and almost all responses have had a supportive tone and just encouraged you to see the situation from other perspectives. But, except for agreeing that you need to figure out a different dog sitting option, you seem pretty set in your view and defensive about other perspectives. It seems like you just are — and want to be — mad about this and believe your in-laws are all purposely trying to hurt you & your fiancé. I’m not sure what you’re looking for? Validation that they are all selfish people who are trying to make you and FH miserable? Will that make anything better for you? Personally, I’d rather just accept things and be at peace than be so upset about something you don’t seem to have any control over. I’m sorry they’ve upset you, but for your own peace of mind you might want to let this all go and if you can’t, you might consider talking with a therapist.

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Thank you.

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Actually most responses have said i'm being unreasonable, irrational and that I should just let it go. that's no supportive at all. Most of the responses her support her and the baby and the parents. Most have been in their defense. I don't think the inlaws are purposely trying to hurt us. I think they just care about one sibling more than the other.

I was looking to see what people thought. And I see. That doesn't mean I can't defend my opinion or view since I know the full story. You don't think you'd do the same? Most people would continue stating their point of view. And there have been a few times where i said i agree with something someone has said. Lot of insensitivity here it seems. Jeez we do have a right to our feelings too. You don't know how bratty and selfish the SIL has been or the years of my FH arguing with his parents to be treated fairly. It seems most people hear pregnancy and then say I'm irrational. Okay.

What do you think is going on and should I feel any sort of way about this?

I think you should hire a pet sitter and you can feel however you want, but the best use of your time would be to let it go. Whatever they do you should be grateful for, they don't owe you anything just because they do something for someone else.

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That says it all though - we are random people on the internet we have no skin in this game whatsoever. If everyone is telling you the same thing, that should tell you something. You are only proving how unreasonable you are by not just accepting this?

Can you bring your pets to their house?? I’ve had my parents drive 5 hours to our house to watch our dogs for a week but we’ve also brought them down to their house. We eventually did have to kennel our dogs because it became too much of a hassle for both them and us and honestly as much as I don’t like it or don’t want to pay for it, we pick them up and know they’ve been safe and they’re fine.