Shower & Wedding Gift Protocal

Unless you were speaking in terms of coordinating with the actual host or hosts, it is inappropriate to be planning your own shower. If no one offers to plan or throw one it doesn't happen.

A registry is supposedly just a list of things you need that people have to look or find on their own. You don't direct or request anything. There would be no language to distinguish between shower and wedding gifts and no first hand requests of any kind, especially for money. The only reason registries became acceptable, although not to traditional etiquette followers to this day, is because the couple is theoretically not asking for anything. There's no way to pretend you aren't asking for money.

Your only recourse is not to register at all. Then if anyone asks you or someone close where you're registered, you can say you have everything you need and are saving for a house etc. Emphasis on what you are doing, not what you're asking of them. Again, a registry, is supposed to be yours, not a "gimme" list so there's nothing rude about this.

Properly, there's no mention of gifts on or in an invitation and only a link to a registry on a wedding website or shower invitation. It's considerate to include things at a wide range of price points, keeping in mind that sometimes people will chip in for something bigger.

There is no polite way to dictate to your guests what they will bring to the shower or to limit the registry to only expensive things. Even if you do, people would just go off registry. Your only recourse is to either not register at all or just delete the shower appropriate registry right after the shower.

View Quoted Comment Thanks for the advice. I should have clarified that my aunts will be hosting the shower for me. I'm trying to put a registry list together and ran into this issue. My fiancé and I have lived together for a while so we don't really need a lot of the typical things that are on shower and wedding registries, so would it be better to not have one at all then? I felt super awkward even mentioning a monetary gift since it can be tacky and that's not what I'm intending or going for at all. Not trying to be selfish and trying to get as much as I can out of people. Just wanting to know what would be acceptable to do. I haven't been to many weddings/showers/etc so I have very little experience with all this

I recommend doing Amazon, and having them be shipped to your house (for the shower). The actual wedding, I’m not too sure about. People might still will want give you actual gifts at the wedding, but they might go off of your registry if you have one. Even if you don’t need or want a lot, I recommend putting a couple stuff in there. My FH and I already live together, so we might not do a shower at all. I personally would rather do a honeymoon fund, than a shower and registry.



My social circle and guests are okay with giving me cash or checks instead of gifts. However, I know that’s not the case with everyone. Which is while I would at least make and option for both.

View Quoted Comment Hi, thanks for the advice. I was thinking of doing Amazon for a few things we don't have. I wasn't wanting to do a shower at first but when my aunts brought up wanting to host one for me, I warmed up to it. I like the idea of a honeymoon fund too, but I would feel awkward putting it out there. Could I list it as an option on my registry, or is it a one-or-the-other situation? I don't want to seem like a greedy bride by any means. People are already spending money going to Vegas for the wedding already. I have no clue how to go about this 😅

That is so nice of your aunts to host your shower how fun! In my circle a shower is meant for actual gifts and the wedding is when money is often given either in the form of cash, check or some kind of fund. Most registries give the option of having the gifts mailed directly to you. you can always take pictures of the gifts and display them at the shower if desired. It s tricky when there's a lot of traveling involved. I know someone who had a gift card shower. Since she was traveling she requested gift cards in lieu of large gifts. Some people still brought small gifts though. I always say do what works best for your and what you know will work for your circle of people. Best of luck to you and have so much fun at the shower!

View Quoted Comment

The whole purpose of a shower is gifts. For that reason, it's the one occasion where guests are obliged to bring something. If you can't accept gifts and you need nothing then IMO there's no reason to have one.

As I said, you would never properly mention monetary gifts, regardless of the fact that some online registries promote them. Again, you or someone in the family or bridal party can just tell anyone who asks about a registry that you aren't registered since you're saving for whatever it is you're saving for.

So you are rightfully uncomfortable with the situation. Don't deny your instincts. Many couples who cohabitate like you don't need anything. So they nix the complicated registry. Plus, your guests are paying travel and lodging expenses for the destination wedding. Often couples who hold destination weddings don't accept gifts either. Abandon the old tradition, you're modern. Also never ask or allude to cash or honeymoon trips as it always looks greedy. People who gift cash will still do so without being prompted.

Second, if the Aunts are still insistent on a party, have them throw a "bridal brunch" or "bridal luncheon" instead of a shower; gifts discouraged (there's no registry, remember). Now, try to resist the urge to make it the local celebration and invite people not on the LV guestlist. No one wants to feel only good enough for the little party but not the big one. If someone tells you they can't make the trip, just send a wedding invite anyway. It's all about love, right. Best wishes.

Congratulations, Plenty of people do ask for Monetary gifts only. (NOWADAYS) Also they have really good sites that you can pick items for your registry geared towards getting your 1st home like a Home Depot Gift Card. Fund for a bathroom or Kitchen reno etc. There's no need to pick av physical item. Your choose a amount and everyone can contribute until you hit your goal. $5k for a bathroom renovation. Then that money can be added to your down payment or whatever you need.

View Quoted Comment I feel like your guests can do whatever they feel comfortable spending money on. That’s why I like the idea of a mini gift registry and a honeymoon fund. Guests have the option to do what they want. There’s people I’ve met who looked at me like I was weird for not wanting gifts because I would rather have just cash or checks. If I was guest to your wedding, I would rather just give cash towards a fund of your choosing then bring a gift. It’s a lot easier in my opinion.


The difference between my wedding and yours is that me and my FH (and one or two guests) are out of state while everyone lives an hour or two at most from the wedding venue. I think it would be easier to just have it shipped to our place. If I could make the option for cash or check only I totally would.

View Quoted Comment I was just thinking that having a mini-gift registry and a honeymoon fund would be a good option! I'm glad I'm not the only one that thought of it. I might go that route. I just want the gift-giving process to be easy for my guests, especially since I'm having a destination wedding. Thank you so much, I really appreciate your feedback!

View Quoted Comment

If you're having a destination wedding, as in local to no one, I would think twice about registering. There is already an extra burden of time and money at the expense of every guest for the sake of a location you like. IMO there should be no implication that you're expecting gifts on top of that. Again, anyone who wants to send or give money knows how.

Honeymoon registries cut checks, not experiences and are deceptive IMO in that they send cash or a check minus a service fee. I know some people disagree these days and that these registries have become popular, but I am of the traditional view that a honeymoon is the responsibility of the couple. If I couldn't afford a honeymoon, I would save up or postpone rather than ask for money.

I’ve been to many destination weddings (out of state and out of the country) and there was still a shower. I don’t view it as greedy at all but a way to celebrate the couple! There’s too many rules and you will never please everyone. Do what you want and the rest will follow. No one is forced to buy you a gift or go to the wedding. I’ve always given a cash gift in a card the day of.


We are registering at Amazon and offering the option to contribute to a gift vs buying one large gift. People can give what they want and can. The whole “cash grab” view on a honeymoon fund is so mean and clearly shows people have no idea how expensive weddings are now!

View Quoted Comment Gifts are only as expensive as the guest’s budget allows. Any guest not getting help from family need to attend an event they can afford. No guest in entitled to going to every wedding event. Girl relax we get it! Don’t go to the shower if you wish the couple would not have one.

This is crass. Asking for money = asking for handouts. Also, stop hocking your website so you, yourself, can make money off of brides and grooms. Soliciting is against message board guidelines.