Shower invite limit... how do I tell friends they aren't invited?!

Uh well there seems to be two problems here: Cutting the guest list and your feelings regarding your sister.

Maybe discuss with her removing the catering/waitstaff and go more simple to accommodate the 15 people?

ETA: my shower was maybe 15 people and it was at a restaurant where they rented the room. We had a meal (no apps) but I think it cost the host about $500 maybe including the alcohol. and that's a rough number I bet it was less

I'm sorry, she's spending $2,000 and you're complaining that she won't host more people? You shouldn't be inviting or talking to anyone about your shower specifically for this reason. You're not the host so you can't control when issues like this show up. You give your sister the guest list and step back. Limit the shower to family and bridal party only and there you go. If your friends REALLY want to be part of it, they can throw their own shower.

If you already told them the date, it's like a save the date and should be followed by an invite.

Why is it being catered? That seems like the wedding itself... maybe its just me but all the one's I've been to have been hosted at someone's house or a church or something, but apps and desserts, not a full meal! Can she not cater it and just get meat/cheese trays + dessert trays and snacks from Costco or something?

Also, $2000 for 30 people is $67 a person. What are you serving? Filet Mignon, caviar and Cristal??? Sorry this just seems REALLY extravagant for a shower...

ETA- Your sister is opening her home and her pocketbook to the tune to $2000.00 to throw you a wonderful bridal shower. That is huge!

Yes, you told people about the event when you shouldn't have. Now it's time to TALK to your sister and see what can be done to cut the costs to see if you can accommodate the people you prematurely invited. If you can't fit them into her home, move the location and offer to pay for the difference in food costs. Your mistake, you pay.

All in all... she doesn't have to do this for you. Appreciate everything she is doing as she is going WAY over and above what most people do.

You do a mea culpa, or hope people forget it. It's your sister's choice how to host it, and 30 people is a very reasonable maximum. You shouldn't have been going around telling people they were invited to your shower. It's the host's responsibility to handle invitations. You should be grateful she's throwing you such a nice shower with a good amount of people.

She has already made arrangements to host 30 people as you originally discussed, and you are now increasing the guest list by 50%...and you're the angry one?

I'm not complaining that she wont host more people. At all. I never asked her to spend 2K. In fact I told her NOT to spend too much because its just family and my best friends. We talked about getting food catered in and we discussed trays of food buffet style. She never mentioned waitstaff, bartenders or an open bar... The problem is, its not just MY family, its HIS family too, that FMIL wants to invite. and SHE told them the date, so now *I* need to tell *MY* friends they may be cut. I wrote the list, I just need to know how to tell these people (who admittedly, are not my very best friends, I get that, but they ARE my closest friends in my new town and they probably wont even come anyway because she lives 2 hrs away...) but my point is, HOW do I tell them??? I just dont want to hurt THEIR feelings. Does that make sense? I really wish we'd just eloped like we were originally going to do...

You probably shouldn't have told everyone the date of the shower, especially knowing that you had gone over the number that you originally had an (probably) already discussed with your sister. I made sure I was clear on how many people I could invite before I started throwing the date around. I have to cut some people as well, but they never knew about it so it's not a big deal. Considering it's too late for that, I think you need to tell your B list people that unfortunately your sister can only accommodate a certain amount of people and therefore you have to limit the guest list to immediate family and close friends.

ETA: Just read your comment. If FMIL is the one who was throwing the date around, you need to speak with her and explain your sister's limitations. If FMIL has an issue, she can throw you another shower for her side of the family.

How is she spending that much on a effing shower she is hosting in her own home? You should have agreed on the guest list before you told people. how did the list "jump to 45" did you ever discuss those extra people? If she said ok she should honor that, if you just went around and blabbed without asking her then sorry no. Yes its your shower but she is hosting it. You should be grateful she is willing to host anyone at all.

FMIL shouldn't have done that. Is there anyone who has said the can't come? You could see if your sister is willing to host a few (5?) extra people, cut a few and a few probably won't come.

$2000 for 30 ppl sounds like way too much!! I think you are taking the " it's all about me" thing way too seriously. The shower is being thrown in your honor its about you. Even if she gives guests a tour of the house, it'll be about you. It is kinda rude of you to say it's the money more than its about me. Your sister needs to watch her budget, how long did it take you to save $2000? Give your sister a hug, say sorry and thank you.

For the 15 people you already invited, you may just need to be like unfortunately, due to spacing and budget we could only invite close family I hope you understand. Or say nothing just because they know the date doesn't mean they are invited... Unless you told them they were???

Wow... it seems like people on this thread are quick to jump to conclusions on this post. I think this is why I avoided ever posting something before. I will clarify AGAIN to state that A) I am eternally grateful for ALL that my sister is doing for me. I am very much aware how expensive everything costs to host something, but again, we did not discuss all of these extras etc. She made it sound like there would be a line of buffet food and a cake. Simple. Done. B) I did NOT ask her to host in her house, in fact I suggested a restaurant with all the bms contributing that would do all the work so she didn't need to get stressed hosting in her house, she vetoed and said she's not asking the bms for any $ bc they cant afford it C) she also originally said she could comfortably host 30-35 people in the house and contemplated getting heating vents to be able to open her patio "which would allow for many more", (her words) when I asked about that yesterday, she said no, it wont work, its going to be March and the weather is unpredictable. D) 6 of the people on the original list live across the country and WILL NOT COME. They have already TOLD ME THIS. So, 45, down to 39 right there. . One of my mother's friends already told her she cant come. 38. My FH's Aunt and Cousins are 5 states away. 34. So. I suggested just inviting all the people so that they don't feel like they got slighted, but she said what if they DO show up. and E) again, I CUT THE LIST. Good lord! Thanks for making me feel even more on the defensive. Way to be supportive ladies. Thanks for making me feel worse than I already do. Awesome.

Oh, and also, my sister is quite wealthy, which shouldn't make a difference since she is not my cash cow nor do I want her to be, but since you are all focusing on that, I will too. Because again, I didn't ask her to spend that much money. Ever. And when I found out about it yesterday, I was floored with how much she was spending.

You should have nothing to do with planning your own shower. The host (your sister) will make all the decisions as to budget, the amount she can host, and how simple or extravagant it may be. Just let her cut the original guest list as she sees fit and stay out of it.

OP- ok breathe. I feel like the info wasn't in the original post and although you clarified it, some people wont see it when you post as they may be typing as well. No ones intention (I don't think) was to make you feel worse. It was the way it was worded and I think you did great by cutting the list but also maybe have a convo with your sister and discuss this, Maybe there are things she can cut down on also to accommodate?

I appreciate it Finally Mrs. Gee - You cant get all the background in a 1000 character post... but it is what it is

You do not get to determine how she chooses to host your shower. That's not your call. She is hosting what sounds like a pretty lavish party in your honor. With all of your posts, I can't really tell how or why the guest list swelled to 45, but now you are asking how to tell the people you've cut?

Tell them, in your excitement/due to a misunderstanding, you accidentally over-invited for your shower and your shower will be smaller than you thought. Tell them you're sorry about the mix-up and can't wait to see them at the wedding. It doesn't need to be anything more than that.

Honestly, I've never felt let down or disappointed at NOT being invited to a bridal shower... this probably feels like a bigger deal to you than it actually will be to the people you're not inviting/uninviting.

Oh man - I am planning a baby shower for my sister right now and am having similar issues/points of contention. Most of them stem from the fact that she was too involved in the initial plans, like the guest list, etc., and part of that was my fault for opening up those discussions with her. I think the best thing for both of you is for you (as the guest of honor) to step back and allow her to throw you the shower the best way she can, and for you to just enjoy the party she is throwing. She is your sister and hopefully has your best interests at heart, regardless of her maybe wanting to show off her new condo.

She should not be discussing cost with you at all, and you should not be asking about it. She also should only be conferring with you about the guest list to a point (VIPs) and as your sister, she likely has this information already. In reference to inviting people just so they don't feel left out, I would be careful with that - some people will come and you should be able to accommodate them if they choose to come.

@OP- I definitely understand. I have found that I will write the whole thing out in word and then copy half to the top and the second half in the comments.

Either way, I agree with Jessi with her advice on telling people. If not, see If your sister can cut some of her plans (she chooses, you cant dictate) and maybe she can fit them in.

Regardless of everything you said OP, you never should have told people they were invited before 100% confirming the guest list with your sister. Even at that point, there's no need to tell people, that's what the invitations are for.

I agree with @Jessi that you just need to kindly tell them that your sister cannot accommodate everyone and as sorry as you are, you can't wait to celebrate at the wedding.