Shower Invitation

If they’re anything like my FH’s family, they send one invite to the grandparents and expect them to tell everyone that way. Typically, we don’t find out about events until the week of due to this. If you’re unsure if you’re actually invited or not, I think it would be fine to just send a gift and not attend (this is what I’d do). I’d then clarify with the family about how they typically address functions like this (invites to specific people and then word of mouth, or invites to only those invited) so you know for the future.

Did they invite your husband and not you? I’m a little confused. If you did not receive an invitation and we’re not on the invitation to your MIL I’d say you are not invited. If your husband was invited and not you that is not ok. But if your husband was invited wouldn’t that invitation have come to your house?

I wouldn't think that an invitation sent to your MIL would translate to you. I can see people sometimes sending 1 invite to everyone in the home, even if multigenerational. Do you two live with your MIL? Otherwise, I would just send a small gift if you want and call it a day.

I would just mail them a gift instead

View Quoted Comment I’m not sure what name was listed on the envelope. I am guessing it was either addressed to my in laws or to the family. But yeah the invite was not sent to my house. In my opinion, I was not invited and maybe my MIL felt bad or something and wanted to include me by sending a picture of the invite. But since my MIL did send me a picture of the invite I don’t want to seem rude by not sending a gift.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for the insight!

View Quoted Comment No we don’t even live in the same city as my in laws lol. Thank you for responding!

Yeah I’d say you were not invited (probably because you don’t live locally to them). So it’s really up to you if you want to send a gift or not. You would not be rude if you didn’t.

There isn't any gray area here. You either received an invite addressed to you or you didn't, regardless of someone sharing theirs with you. You can mail a gift if you choose (completely optional) but don't attend unless you received an invite.

A shower gift is a second gift, in addition to a wedding gift, and only a person's nearest and dearest friends should receive an invitation which is also a direct gift request ( unlike a bridal luncheon, or a gathering to meet the bride. ) A lot of brides I have talked to found it as embarrassing as I did to have someone not a shower hostess pass out an invitation, and receive gifts in my case from 8 of my FMIL ( from my first marriage )whom I had never met. 3 of whom turned up unexpectedly and uninvited by the hostesses to $40 a plate luncheon shower. And surprise surprise, FMIL though once they came to a shower with gifts, she would get to add them to her friends on the invitation list, when we had limited them to 1 table of 5 couples plus them ( table of 12) and they wanted 3 tables. So it was a trojan horse thing. First get them to the shower... It may be MIL and the parents of this cousin, MIL sister or brother, want a whole circle of cousins that the couple does not want, on the invitation list. And she thinks if you come to the shower, or buy a shower gift, the couple will be pushed into adding you and FI, and a bunch of others, to the wedding guest list. As a bride, would you want to be a part of a scheme to get all cousins added to a couple's list, or not? Would you have liked your mom or aunt doing that to get people you cut, so you could have friends, back on the list, having to cut other people you wanted more?

Don't go, don't send a gift.

How would you appear rude for not sending a gift to a shower you were not invited to? If anything it's rude to expect a gift from someone you didn't invite.

If you are thinking "well I don't know if I was invited" - you weren't. Invite is a verb, as in, the person who is hosting the party invites the guests by informing them of the party and asking them to attend. Invitations by proxy are not invitations. If you can't spend $1 to send me an invitation, then I am not going to spend $40 on a gift.