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Just Said Yes June 2023

Should i invite her?

Chelsea, on May 4, 2021 at 9:43 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 7

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So there have been multiple discussions on whether or not to invite my aunt to the wedding. My fiance and her get along in public settings (like my sisters wedding last August), but otherwise don't like each other. They got into a large fight right at the beginning of our relationship and it's never been let go. Their personalities clash. I would say her and I get along when around each other, but I wouldn't say we are close. Just a happy birthday and merry Christmas via Facebook. I waiver on inviting her because I feel that it would be weird to invite the rest of the family, but not her. However, my only reason for considering it is family backlash and judgment. If I knew that wouldn't be an issue then I think the decision would be fairly clear cut. I feel like it's my fiancees wedding too and he should feel comfortable with who's there and be able to have a good time. Thoughts??

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7 Comments

Latest activity by Mary, on May 5, 2021 at 9:43 AM

Expert April 2022
Fred · on May 4, 2021 at 10:04 PM
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Hi Chelsea.
If I were in your shoes I wouldn't invite her.,unless you partner says he would be fine with the idea of inviting her.
Like you said "it's my fiancees wedding too and he should feel comfortable with who's there and be able to have a good time." And it sounds like you wouldn't miss her either.
Honestly: everyone faces family backlash,judgement while planning, regardless of who is footing the bill, who is contributing. Even when the couple is paying for everything .
We are paying for everything, which was our decision, our parents are not happy about some of our rules but we kindly remind them: "Whose wedding is it anyway? ", we don't need to be rude,disrespectul, we only need to be firm.
This is why you should do what makes you and your groom comfortable.
Trying to please your family is a good thing ... under one condition: if you don't do this at the expense of your own happiness and feelings, (and your partner's, of course) .
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VIP May 2022
Ava · on May 4, 2021 at 10:05 PM
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Have you asked your fiancé how he feels about inviting her? Whether he would feel comfortable with her there? If he’s ok (or even just indifferent) with it, then I would probably just invite her. Because as you said, I’m sure it would make her feel very targeted, and probably hurt, if she was the only family member not invited. And this move would likely erase any chance of reconciliation later, and would make any future encounter with her extremely uncomfortable at best.
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Judith · on May 4, 2021 at 10:14 PM
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Everybody acts like adults, and there will be no problem. There may be a time when you see things differently, and that will more likely if you have good days like your wedding. You will hardly see each other, but there will be a positive vibe from family that is worth more than you know.
Invite her.
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Dedicated July 2021
M. · on May 4, 2021 at 10:49 PM
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Alrighty, so I have a kind of a similar situation. I would first ask your fiancé what he thinks and mentally play out the different scenarios. How much drama will it cause long-term if you invite her versus if you don’t invite her? Who will bear the brunt of the backlash in either scenario?

For myself, my fiancé has an aunt that cannot behave privately. She is socially well versed in public but she absolutely cannot make it through a family event without getting angry and causing a scene or upsetting someone to the point that it turns into a months or years long drama. For me, my choices were either we invite her and possibly have my FMIL upset on her son’s wedding day or my FH & FMIL will bear the brunt of the backlash from the aunt (that they don't speak to on any regular basis) and possibly from extended family (mainly her son) for the aunt not being invited. I discussed the issue with my fiancé and my FMIL and we decided that it would be best to not invite her because historically she can’t behave herself for a few hours without some drama occurring and my fiancé's nuclear family's experience is more important and weightier than dealing with an estranged aunt's feelings and snarkiness down the line.

Personally, if you think your aunt can behave for a few hours I would invite her. In all honesty you and your FH probably won’t have to interact with her much or at all. I know a lot of people say it’s your wedding so invite only the people you like but in reality family and social politics are always in play and need to be taken into consideration. Weigh out your options. From what’s been written I would invite her for peace in the family and then just avoid her by being busy (as if you won’t actually be busy! 😂😭) during the entirety of the wedding.🍀
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Dedicated October 2021
Megan · on May 4, 2021 at 11:13 PM
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What does your fiancé think? What was the fight about?
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Super June 2021
Elizabeth · on May 5, 2021 at 9:03 AM
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I had a similar situation and FH ended up still inviting his monster of a cousin to our wedding because the intense backlash we would have gotten from not inviting her would not have been worth it. His family is very close, which is nice, but also very cagey and emotional, which is less nice. If we didn't invite her, even though we have a great reason not to, we would have had several people protest our wedding, berate our parents, call and email us non-stop. His family punishes people who threaten family unity, which is why toxic people thrive in his family.
If "weird" will just be some whispers at the wedding, whatever, do it. If "weird" will be trying to destroy your wedding because you slighted a family member, just invite her and seat her in the back.
In a perfect world, we wouldn't have to invite people we don't like, but the world isn't perfect. You know your family better than we do. Choose wisely
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Savvy December 2021
Mary · on May 5, 2021 at 9:43 AM
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So the day I got engaged, my aunt messaged me on facebook right away and asked "when is the wedding I wouldn't miss it for the world." I told her we had no idea and that we literally just got engaged. I didn't invite her. We don't really have a relationship other than the casual hi on facebook, and not only that, but she has a huge issue with her mouth. She hates my step mom and has even tried to charge at her. I refuse to have that at my wedding. So I told her we are only doing immediate family. She deleted me on facebook the next day. It's your wedding, its your choice. If you aren't comfortable, dont do it.
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