Amber
Master February 2020

Rough Patch

Amber, on September 6, 2019 at 8:31 AM Posted in Community Conversations 0 46
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Just looking to vent/wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience during their engagement. FH and I have had a rough patch for a few weeks now. Of course we've had these before (last one probably in January), and it's generally caused from a lot of stress causing our fuses to be shorter than usual.

FH got promoted recently to a job he's great at, but his hours are almost the complete opposite of mine. I work Mon-Fri 8-5 while he works Mon-Fri 3PM-1AM. Thankfully we have the weekends together, but during the week I'm asleep when he gets home and he's asleep when I leave.

With his schedule the way he is and being in upper management in a department that was very poorly managed up until now, he's a ball of stress during the week. With all the stress of not seeing each other, his job, and planning the wedding, the smallest things turn into arguments. It doesn't take us long to re-evaluate, apologize for being snippy, and calm down, but it's just a bummer that the little bit of time we do have together, we almost always have some little bickering match.

Last night, I asked him to wake me up when he got home because I just needed to see him. I got emotional when he hugged me and he had a rough night at work and he said "Are we okay?" to which I responded "of course we are". Then he said "I'll quit this job tomorrow and find something else if we're not okay. You are what's most important to me" to which I just balled my eyes out because man I love him lol. I know this is all only temporary and we'll get used to the new schedule and be back to normal with each other, just starting to feel down lately. Anyone have any similar experiences/advice?

46 Comments

Latest activity by Megan, on September 6, 2019 at 1:56 PM
  • Maria
    Dedicated September 2019
    Maria ·
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    Me and my Fiance have had the same thing happen to us multiple times. When he worked in the oil and gas he worked midnight and when he had a day off it was always a day i had to work, so seeing each other seemed impossible at that time. Sometimes it was two weeks before we could see each other. He finally got out of that job but it was really hurting our relationship. It seemed like when we did finally have a day off, all we did was fight because of how stressed we both were. Trough that time the only thing that kept us together was that we actually had real love, I think most of the time people break up because they dont wanna deal with the hard things that happen in relationships. True love and dedication to the relationship was worth it for now we have the same days off...he finally switched jobs...its not perfect but it is better than before. Just trust him to make the right decisions about work Smiley smile

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  • Amber
    Master February 2020
    Amber ·
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    I completely agree that a lot of people give up on relationships without putting in the work when things get tough, not everything is going to be sunshine and roses. I think we'll get used to the hours and we've started having a lunch date in the middle of the week just to catch each other up on what's going on and to spend a little time together. I also think once he's been in that job long enough, he'll be able to turn the operation around (he works for UPS) and kick his employees into gear so he won't be so stressed. Thanks for sharing your story with your fiancé, I'm glad things are going better than they were Smiley smile

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  • Rhianna
    Devoted April 2020
    Rhianna ·
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    It sounds like you guys have great communication and are just adjusting & learning the new schedule you have. Have you guys tried to do a date day/night each week? Where you can just forget about all the stressors life throws at us and enjoy each other's company. I have friends who do a "his date" & "her date". One date will be his idea and planning and the next hers. And it doesn't have to be anything expensive or extravagant, just something you're doing together. It could be a walk or hike, a picnic, happy hour, go to an arcade, museum, volunteer, etc.

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  • Susan
    Devoted October 2021
    Susan ·
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    Oh yes! Right now, my FH is working two jobs, the first is 9-2 seven days per week, the second is 4-12:30 four days per week. I work 8:30-2. We spend from 2:30-3:30 together in the afternoons. I know why he feels the need to work that hard, and his 9-2 job is ending in October and he's all kinds of stressed out about finding another job, but it really sucks. We try to make our moments matter by snuggling in the morning for 20 minutes after the kiddo gets on the bus and again for 20 minutes in the afternoon before she gets home. It helps us feel close if we have that physical snuggle time where we can talk and just be in each other's presence. Even though it stinks to have to "schedule" it, it has made a big difference in our connection.

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  • Chloe
    Devoted October 2020
    Chloe ·
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    FH was getting his masters and working two jobs, I knew he was stressed and trying his best but his fuse was short and my patience was wearing thin. We both were frustrated and took it out on each other. That was almost three years of a rough patch lol. He recently graduated and is only working one job but now his hours are 1-9 and mine 9-5. So our time during the week is very limited. We know that at the end of the day the love is always there and we make the most of our weekends and days off. It’s not forever but we’re in love and will always put each other first when we can♥️

    Im so happy that you guys made it through your rough patch and it seems like you’ll continue to do so always💕💕
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  • Amber
    Master February 2020
    Amber ·
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    We actually just started doing this! He picks me up from work during my lunch break before he has to go into work for a lunch date, usually on Wednesday's to break up the gap of not seeing each other during the week. I think we'll also try to do more together during the weekend, considering we normally just sit around the house. Thanks for the ideas! Smiley smile

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  • 10102020
    Dedicated October 2020
    10102020 ·
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    Rough patches and learning each other is what makes the relationship strong. Hang in there the grass is greener on the other side 😎.
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  • Chandra
    Master May 2019
    Chandra ·
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    Opposite schedules suck. My h went from working 7-5 m-f to a new job 2-10 w-su. I work 8-5 m-f and feel like I hardly get to see him. Especially stressful now with a baby on the way!

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  • Amber
    Master February 2020
    Amber ·
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    I've started scheduling snuggles in the morning this week too lol. I normally get up at 6:45 to get ready, but I've been setting my alarm for 6:30 so we can cuddle for a few minutes before I go to work. It definitely helps considering we don't have much time for it during the week. It really is the little things that matter the most!

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  • W-K
    Super October 2019
    W-K ·
    • Flag

    For sure! I think in those times where you're both stretched thin it's even more important to protect the time you do have together. I know life can overrun the small amount of "free time" we do have. So we set aside 2-3 hours a week where it's a no phones, no chores, no distractions time where we just be with each other. It helps a lot during those rough patches.

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  • Cara
    Dedicated May 2020
    Cara ·
    • Flag
    We’re in a rough patch now too. Promotion at work. His dad is sick. We have his kids half the time and that’s a huge stressor. He’s coaching his daughter’s soccer team. Too much stress and not enough time in the day.

    Im hoping that having to deal with so much early on in our relationship will make us stronger in the long haul.

    Make sure you keep communicating about about what you each need. Geared up reading your post and him saying he would quit for you. So sweet.
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  • Amber
    Master February 2020
    Amber ·
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    This about made me cry lol. While I wouldn't wish this sort of situation on anyone, it's nice to know that there are other couples out there who are or have gone through the same things. That's another thing that helps, knowing that this schedule isn't forever. He'll get promoted to the next spot in a year or two when he finishes his degree and while the hours will be similar, he'll have more flexibility being further up the food chain lol. I'm glad things are going a lot better for the two of you! Smiley heart

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  • Amber
    Master February 2020
    Amber ·
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    That's what we keep telling each other Smiley smile We've made it through this before, we know we can do it again. Just have to stay positive and appreciate the time we do have together, I know there are other couples (especially military) who have it much worse in terms of spending time together.

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  • Amber
    Master February 2020
    Amber ·
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    No phones is definitely something we want to work on. We never ignore each other or anything like that, but sitting in bed on our phones when we could be talking or just watching a movie together seems like a waste. We've both considered deleting all social media aside from Facebook, just because they turn into such time wasters!

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  • Amber
    Master February 2020
    Amber ·
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    I'm sorry that the two of you have so much going on right now, but I definitely think you're right in saying it'll make you stronger. Communication is so important and we're better at it now than we've ever been and I'm very thankful for that. And oh yeah, when he said he'd quit his job last night I was full on ugly crying Smiley xd Love that man to death Smiley heart

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  • Katie
    Devoted August 2019
    Katie ·
    • Flag
    Yes, definitely! This is normal, and it sounds like you guys are doing a great job communicating during your "rough patch". Try putting aside a few hours on a weekend day to put aside work and the wedding planning and do something you both enjoy together. H and I haven't found that quality time is the best medicine.
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  • Amber
    Master February 2020
    Amber ·
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    They definitely suck. I know he'd take an 8-5 job if it came down to it, but I know he loves his job and has so many opportunities to advance his career because of it. Congratulations on your little one on the way!

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  • Amber
    Master February 2020
    Amber ·
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    Absolutely agree Smiley smile I mentioned earlier how FH and I are generally homebodies and don't go out much (which we're perfectly happy with), but I think we should start going out to do something small during the weekends.

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  • 10102020
    Dedicated October 2020
    10102020 ·
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    Of course 💕 good luck!
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  • MOB So Cal
    January 2019
    MOB So Cal ·
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    I've been married 32+ years and been through this too many times to count. Honestly? Unless a couple just totally lucks out, this happens to all of us -- the exact details might be different, but the outcome of having to cope with significant stresses of real life are inevitable. Try to carve out even a few hours each week that you both commit to just spending time together and not dealing with any of the things that are causing you stress (e.g., work, wedding planning, etc.). Of course, you'll also have to have designated times to talk about that stuff because you have to deal with it, but give yourselves some time to look forward to when none of that is on the table. Also, if you're not, try to look at things from the perspective of the two of you against whatever the problem or challenge is, so that it's clear you are always on the "same side" trying to resolve an issue -- the goal is make it better together, not for either of your to "win." H worked in the overnight freight industry for decades. The hours are long and the stress is constant. Try to be as patient with FH as you can be, knowing this isn't forever. If it's both your styles, keep lists, leave each other notes, plan quick check-in phone calls or texts while the one of you who is at work is on lunch or dinner break, etc. Do whatever you can to connect, even when you can't be together. During one of our times when H was working nights and I was working days, we were actively trying to "win" against infertility issues.... Try to be creative with the time you have! Smiley winking Good luck! Smiley heart

    PS -- we won.... Smiley winking

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