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Jillian
Beginner October 2021

Removing a bridesmaid

Jillian, on December 31, 2019 at 10:00 AM Posted in Planning 0 45
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So, one of my bridesmaids doesn’t care for my fiancé. Recently, she and her husband said something so disrespectful and distasteful about him. On thanksgiving I was invited to their house but was told he was not welcome, I respectfully declined the invite and haven’t spoken to them since How do I calmly remove her?

45 Comments

Latest activity by Chelsea, on January 1, 2020 at 11:30 PM
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    "I'm sorry, I no longer feel comfortable having you as part of my wedding party since you do not support my marriage."

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  • Erin
    Dedicated April 2021
    Erin ·
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    As someone who hates confrontation, I still think you just need to be honest and tell her. It’s a day for you and HIM, so you don’t want someone standing next to you that also want support that fact. I haven’t gone through this, and maybe someone else has another suggestion; however, I would do it sooner rather than later. Good luck!
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  • Jillian
    Beginner October 2021
    Jillian ·
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    It is just crazy to me. Why would she even accept if she doesn’t support it? Maybe out of obligation. Thank you girls!
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  • Soon To Be Mrs. Stewart
    Devoted August 2022
    Soon To Be Mrs. Stewart ·
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    Just be straight up and tell her it wouldn't be a good idea for her to stand up there with you guys and she doesn't like your soon to be husband because once you two are married you will become one. I dont see how she can be okay with being in your wedding yet your husband wasnt invited over their house.

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  • Jillian
    Beginner October 2021
    Jillian ·
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    That’s my thought too. I don’t want to say what I’m really thinking lol. Thank you!
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  • Soon To Be Mrs. Stewart
    Devoted August 2022
    Soon To Be Mrs. Stewart ·
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    Lol yeah just keep it simple with her.

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  • Kristen
    Rockstar November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    I don't know how long you two have been friends but maybe you can talk to her and ask her why she has a problem with your fiance. I agree with the other lady than that I think you should maybe take her aside and one-on-one just kind of tell her that you'd be a really disrespected that she would not allow your fiance into her home and that's going to be your husband. Is she does not truly support your relationship then maybe she should no longer be a bridesmaid. Honestly I wouldn't even want someone coming to my wedding that doesn't support my relationship. The question is also is do you still want to have a friendship with her. I do feel that friends are not always going to care for the partners that their friends choose but you still need to be respectful and tolerate them being around if they are important in that person's life.
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  • Jillian
    Beginner October 2021
    Jillian ·
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    We’ve been friends almost 15 years and to be completely honest she has never approved of anyone I was with. I was married before and she didn’t even come to that wedding.
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  • Kristen
    Rockstar November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    I don't think that there is any thing wrong with preserving the Friendship but I feel like you two have been friends long enough to have an honest conversation about that she may not like who you end up with but she should be respectful of that and her deciding that her man for whatever reason was not welcome in your home was hurtful and maybe let her know that you want her to be there by your side the day of your wedding but that means that she's going to be supportive and respectful of your relationship. If she feels that's going to be a challenge then would she just rather be a guest? I would kind of put it on her because anytime I have been a bridesmaid it is because not only did I care about my friends but I was happy and generally supported their relationship. I feel that you would want someone by your side that at the bare minimum is going to be respectful of your partnership.
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  • Jennifer
    VIP August 2021
    Jennifer ·
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    I agree with the others, just explain that since she does not support the marriage, she cannot be apart of the bridal party.

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  • Mandi
    Master October 2020
    Mandi ·
    • Flag
    So I've been on the other side of this- twice.

    My best friend was engaged to a monster. I hated him. He was the worst. She hated his kids. The whole thing was awful. If she had asked me to be a bridesmaid, I would have. Because I support her and love her.
    They broke up 14 months after they were engaged and before they made any wedding plans.I still supported her. In my own way. I was sorry she was so hurt and upset, but I was not upset to see that man sashay away.I happily accepted to be a bridesmaid in her wedding to a different and much better man.She will be my MOH and her 2 sons will be my ring bearers.
    Alternatively, a different bridesmaid of mine. I also did not like her fiance. And he did not like me. I volunteered to keep an escape vehicle running during the wedding ceremony in case she would come to her senses. I still attended her wedding even though I wanted her fiance to go away. It took several years for her fiance [husband] and I to be able to tolerate being in the same room together.It's been 7 years since they met, and we can now be in a room unsupervised without anyone worrying that we will get into a screaming match. Although we really disliked each other at first, we are now amicable. It took us some time to figure out that although we didn't like each other, we both loved my friend and we were on the same team.
    If keeping your friendship is important, you may want to sit down with her and discuss why she feels the way she does. Give her a space to air her concerns and issues. And then give her an out. Or politely kick her out. Your call.

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  • W
    Expert September 2020
    Willow ·
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    Why exactly does your bridesmaid not like your FH? The ONLY reasons I would invite a friend and specifically exclude her FH from Thanksgiving is if the FH was violent, abusive, alcoholic, etc. You get the idea.


    I feel like her inviting you to spend Thanksgiving of all days without your FH is almost a friendship ending move. It's almost spiteful. A dinner on any other day that is not meant to be family oriented would have not been as big a deal.
    Rather than actually making her step down, you might want to give her the option.
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  • Cherry
    Expert February 2020
    Cherry ·
    • Flag

    Honestly it sounds like she removed herself, LOL! But if you want to do a formal removal, just talk to her. Say that in light of recent (unfortunate) events, it may not be the right time to plan a wedding with her involvement, and that should she be in support of both you AND your FI in the future, she would be more than welcome to attend the wedding or be more involved.


    It might also be good to clear the air in order to save the friendship, but if I was ever invited to Thanksgiving dinner or a birthday party or anything at a friend's house that my man wasn't also invited to (barring a bachelor/ette, baby or bridal shower, and even most of those are co-ed these days), I wouldn't consider that a friendship anymore, but that may be just me.


    I've invited people and their partners to things when I didn't care for their partners, and that's because the two people are a unit and it doesn't matter if I like them or not. So her etiquette is, at the very least, bad. If you think your relationship with your friend is worth salvaging, then a good talk is in order.

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  • Angel
    Expert August 2020
    Angel ·
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    Wow, that's unfortunate. I agree with the others, there's not much else you can do other than let her know you don't feel comfortable with her standing by your side if she doesn't support your marriage.

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  • Jillian
    Beginner October 2021
    Jillian ·
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    Thanks Ladies. I’ve given her the opportunity to speak with me about it. I even told her no pressure to say yes when I asked. My FH is not a horrible person, if anything he’s made me a better person. He’s also stepped up for my 4 kids and been an amazing step father. It’s just disheartening you know?
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  • Jillian
    Beginner October 2021
    Jillian ·
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    I felt it was a move too. She’s been like you’re welcome but he is not. Like what? Her husband even called my mom to try and give her side 🤣 needless to say my mom let him have it.

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  • K
    Dedicated 0000
    K ·
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    I've been on the opposite side of this once. My friend got married to a guy right after college, who I didn't think was good for her. Turns out I was right, they're getting divorced....anyway, when she asked me to be a BM, I took her out to lunch and voiced my concerns. I told her if after the convo, she still wanted me there, I would absolutely support her. Which I ended up doing. Her guy made a move on me the night before their wedding 🙄


    Point is, honesty is key. It's too bad she can't just talk to you about it. The way I saw it, I was supporting my friend. Not the marriage.
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  • Kendra
    Beginner April 2021
    Kendra ·
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    I second this!
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  • M
    Dedicated October 2020
    Mallory ·
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    Honestly, I been contemplating about kicking one of my bridesmaids. Every since I moved away, she hasn't bothered to try to chat with me. When I message the bridal party group chat, she just leaves it unread as if she didn't care. Then my fiance and I came to town to visit my family and she asked to go for lunch sometime while we were in town. So, the day for lunch came and I messaged her "We are on our way!" And she messages me "wait. Who's we?" My fiance? She didnt specify that she was only inviting me.


    My fiance and I are a team and anytime one of us is invited to something, we always take eachother and the invitee always expected it. But not this time. She and another friend just messages me "can he please not come", "it'll be awkward for us", "we only want you to come." I told them, we both come or not at all. They just said whatever and met us for lunch still. They were talking to eachother but not I or my fiance so it was more awkward for us than them. But im considering kicking her from the party because she isnt participating or seem happy for being in the party, as well as the disrespect towards my fiance and I.
    Am I over reacting?
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  • Jillian
    Beginner October 2021
    Jillian ·
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    Normally, your closest friends are a good judge of character... however if this friend is INCESSANTLY judge-mental with everyone you are involved with. Like ugh I hate bringing up my first marriage but we were together and had 2 kids together before I met her.
    But as I said I said no pressure, and I would understand completely if she felt she couldn’t stand up with me and that she would still be invited to the wedding 😑
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