Removing a bridesmaid from the wedding party???

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It seems to happen a lot more than we would like to think. If she doesn't want to help out or wants to dictate things about her attire than she should just be a guest. She should not have agreed to be a bridesmaid. I can understand if it's something simple and something that is needed (I have to wear a bra with straps or a halter due to chest size) so that is all I ever have asked. I have even wore a red that is not flattering to my skin tone to make a bride happy.

My biggest concern would be about the difficulty reaching her and her scheduling. That is what I would use when talking to her. "I'm worried that with your time constraints that you won't really be able to enjoy helping with our wedding, so I think that it might be better for you to step down as a bridesmaid, but we would love to still have you as a guest."

If you are willing to end your friendship with this girl completely, go ahead and remove her. DO NOT expect her to be your friend again or come to your wedding as a guest, etc.

Also, the only requirement of a bridesmaid is to show up to the ceremony on time, sober, and in the dress that you picked out. Yes, it would be nice if every single bridesmaid could come to every event prior to the wedding, but you should not "rely" on them to do so. Remember that no one cares about your wedding as much as you do.

She shouldn't be such a pain about the BM dresses, but was she flakey before you asked her to be in the wedding? Has her behavior actually changed or is it more annoying to you now? These are also things to consider.

Also, you haven't talked to her in a few months? And you're getting married in 10 months? It sounds like you asked girls to be in the wedding WAY too early. BM dresses don't need to be shopped for for a few more months.

No, she never used to be like this. I tried to see if something was going on to explain her recent behaviour, but she claimed nothing. I'm not chatting up my wedding around her, because I know that can be off-putting with those who aren't interested. This isn't about her being a bad BM... it's about her being a bad friend, & I don't think I want someone who's willing to put me down & leave me waiting somewhere without a call standing next to me on the big day. If this is because she changed her mind about being a BM, I wish she'd tell me. I've asked if she's sure, & she claimed yes. I KNOW I jumped the gun with her.

As for the BM dresses. We're not shopping until March. I don't know why she's worked up about it.

Sorry.. have to jump in... It's YOUR DAY and that means It's YOUR WAY... she''s gotta go!...and I think if they accept the position then It's game on... they don't get to pick which events to do and not to do... what is wrong with people!!.. Talk to her first.. and is she doesn't understand or get upset.. Fire her ass!!

I am definitely not relying on my girls to do more than show up on the big day (sober is a good point to add, thanks!). I am blessed to have 3 amazing BMs who are pushing me to let them help & be involved, which is super sweet of them & totally unnecessary. I'm relying on me to get everything done, & I'm relying on the groom to show up & say I do... lol. That's it!

Soon to be Mrs. K, you're right. I am very concerned about her recent lack of respect for people's time. Worries me for the big day especially! & the other girls are making celebration plans (on their own... I have no more info than that), but I hope they don't expect her to be on the same level of enthusiasm. If she says yes & blows them off... uh oh. Drama.

It's stressful. No bride wants to be in this position. If I had warning signs, I could've avoided it... but still, it's my fault I'm in it.

I know she's made comments about her big day not being anything that she wanted. Could that be it, too?

Man o man...

It doesn't sound like the OP has gone shopping yet, simply that her girls talked and decided to go together, except for the one girl. And this girl is making demands about the dress? No. Yes, you should pick something that suits EVERYONE, but you shouldn't have to cave to HER demands over everyone else.

Not to mention, 10 months before isn't too early to ask your bridesmaids. If she asked a year out, that's still not too early -- there have been brides that have asked two years out, and then things go south. Alternately, some brides have asked closer to the wedding and still had problems.

It's great that you aren't expecting them to throw lavish parties or spend tons of money. If you and the other girls are being reasonable, and she's throwing tantrums or otherwise trying to rock the boat, a conversation is definitely in order.

Mike you are redick, I have been a bm, and moh both more than once as well as planned my own wedding. a bm does get to pick which events they go to unless they have a bridezilla bride.

Spruce; It seems like you are pretty reasonable. my wedding was around yours this year. Me and the girls went shopping Nov last yr for their dresses. You do have a lot of time till you wanna go look for your dresses, Perhaps ask badbm if she has a time she would like to go and give her your schedule that way the two of you can find a style that you like that she is OK with or like 10 different dresses, then when you go with the other girls you can pick out of those 10. Or put out an email saying I'd like to go this day in March (it's flippin months away) Anyone who can go with me that day can help decide what the dress will look like anyone that can't make it will have to call their sizing into the store later so a dress can be ordered for you int eh style we choose.

My bridesmaids wern't overly intere

Interested when there was still 10mths to go. They got more interested early summer, and we had the shower and bachelorette in the summer.

If you don't really care for this girl anymore, different story. I then would just ask her to call you in the next week or ask her if she wants to get together, then do so and tell her sorry Rebecca our friendship doesn't seem to be the same as it was months ago when I asked you to be a bridesmaid, I hate to do this but I'd like to ask if you could just be a guest at my wedding inatead of being part of the bridal party I'd like the bridesmaids to be my closest friends.

My bm's literally said they didn't care if I put them in taffeta lime green dresses cause it was my day, however it would wash them out but they'd do it for me.

Seems reasonable. Maybe I'll give her another couple of chances, but if her behavior doesn't improve or if it gets worse.. it's probably time for me to move on.

I feel like you're not asked to be a BM to not be involved until the big day. No, you can't always be there for everything but when given the option, you should try (the bride should NEVER be demanding about it, of course). I was just in my MOH's wedding & she always gave us to option to attend events, go dress shopping, get our hair done, get our nails done, beach trip for the bachelorette, etc. We didn't HAVE to participate, but we all WANTED to because we wanted everything to be memorable for her through the process & on the big day. It just feels like the respectable thing to do if you've been asked to stand up there w/ her on one of the most important moments in her life. Of course, not all of us were always available... school commitments, illnesses, work. There are GOOD reasons when someone isn't involved. Just me?

I'm not saying I expect my girls to be the same way, no. But I'll give them the options & they can say yes or no. They have the freedom to choose what they want to be involved in. (:

I honestly don't think that the BMs only responsibility is to show up on the big day. For me personally, I agree to be a BM because I want to help where needed for my friend who's getting married. I believe that part of that responsibility entails throwing a bridal shower, going with the other BMs to get dresses, etc.

If I were you, I'd do what some of the other ladies said and talk to your friend about what's going on. If you feel she shouldn't be in your WP, then let her know gently, and give her the reasons why.

Edit: If the BMs weren't supposed to do anything but show up and be in the pictures, there would be no point in having them. That would be my definition of a guest.

Brittany: LIKE! I agree completely.

Hi, I'd like to give my two cents. I recently had an issue with my MOH, well actually she's my ex MOH now and possibly ex friend. Some really mean things were exchanged when she stepped down from being my MOH.

But, she made the choice because she felt she was backed into a corner about lots of stuff concerning my wedding. Her indifference to my wedding happened about 6 months after I got engaged because she found a receipt for a jeweller in her now husband's pocket. Need I say more?

Any ways, I know that I dealt with the situation poorly, so my advice is to tread lightly. Before you act think about what your friend means to you and if you are willing to have issues between the two of you that will affect if she is there for your big day. Standing up with you or even in the audience or not at all.

Thanks Stephanie! I am definitely taking the time to think it through & make sure I know how to handle it if I want to handle it.

On a same note, I live in Manitoba Canada and we have a tradition that we hold a "social night" with prizes, dancing, booze and a pre celebration and fundraiser for the wedding. I had my 3 girls and my FH's 3 guys helping us with everything and my girls were awesome with the exception of my no ex MOH. We were able to raise great amount of money and it's really all due to their help. I know they won't be doing anything for my shower per say because my mom and my future mother in law are both planning away like busy bees. Now that I am down one girl I don't want the other two to feel pressured to fit into the shoes left.

Both girls were awesome about the dresses too!

I say enjoy the girls you have that want to help and you never know, the bm that's causing issues to your stress level might turn around just by the other girls making her feel like she should follow their lead.

two to three cents done :o)

Spruce, I have been in several weddings, four of which the bride actually fired 1 or more BM or the MOH. In each case, the opposing party refused to cooperate with the bride or the BM.

Speak with her privately. Get her side of the story, but be prepared for excuses. After you hear her out, make your decision from there. However, if termination is the solution, be prepared to lose a friend.

My daughter had to bounce her first MOH. The "woman" tried to black mail by ex and his wife to pay for her entire trip to Portland, from Dallas (for not only her, but both of her kids!!!).

My ex and his wife (my wife-in-law, as I refer to her) offered to fly the MOH here for the Bridal Shower (knowing that it would be too expensive to come here in June and again in July). Well, little miss scammer decided that she would come home for the entire month and bring her kids. My ex's wife said, at that point, "we will pay half of your airfare, but not your childrens airfare." They (and I agree) felt that half the airfare was fair as she planned to come here (on her own dime) for the wedding.

Once this happened, the MOH told both my ex's wife and me, that if they did not pay for all three round trip airfares, she would tell my daughter about her surprise visit to the shower. So, we outed her. I told my daughter of the surprise, she bounced the MOH. (cont)

MOH still came to Oregon, for the month, with her kids....on her own dime.

My daughter and this "woman" are still friends, on FB.

The replacement MOH, such a fabulous woman! It all worked out, in the end.

Kathy -- Holy crap! What a crazy dilemma. Now there's a MOH that deserved to get the boot. That's just shameful.

ForeverMyLove -- Thanks! I'm aware of the outcome. I hope she'll meet up with me to talk before I make a decision that I'll stick with. We'll see. ):

Honestly, I never realized what a pain having bridesmaids was, I'm starting to regret deciding on having them.

It's so stressful, I've been a bridesmaid twice, both occasions I wore the chosen colour, turned up when asked, felt bad if I couldn't get there and always let the bride know why ( work every time) .

Spent hours on the phone at random times helping the bride get things off her chest, everyone around me is trying to dictate, I even changed my wedding coloured as my sister in law didn't like the original colour.

Now I have a bridesmaid trying to push her 16 year old daughter on me to do wedding makeup on the day .... The girl isn't even invited to the wedding so she keeps digesting she be part of the wedding party ... I've said no at least 3 times and it still gets brought up.... I'm now considering she step down from the roll but worried about the friendship....

I'm so sorry Spruce N that you are having these issues, it's so stressful, why can't people just go along with what we want for out big day and stop pushing their wishes and egos on us....

I'm dreading having to go through the conversation regarding bridesmaids daughter again