Religious ceremony now, legal later?

I just recently read a post from a minister who mentioned this is illegal in NC. You need to check the laws for your state to see if you will run into the same issue. A quote from the blog:

"No minister, officer, or any other person authorized to solemnize a marriage under the laws of this State shall perform a ceremony of marriage between a man and woman, or shall declare them to be husband and wife, until there is delivered to that person a license for the marriage of the said persons, signed by the register of deeds of the county in which the marriage license was issued or by a lawful deputy or assistant."

Obviously doing the reverse - legal marriage first then a religious ceremony isn't an issue because the religious aspect would technically be a vow renewal.

I had a family member get married "in the eyes of God" and never make it legal. Her husband had a disability, and would have lost government healthcare benefits if they got married because the joint income would be too high. But copays and medical expenses would put them in the poor house. By not legally getting married and living in a state without common law marriage, they were able to keep his benefits. Since his disablity was permanent, there were no plans to ever make it legal. Ethically questionable, but legal.

If you go ahead with your plan, most guests won't even know unless you tell them.

Wow, NC sucks.

I don't know what to do, I don't want to be legally married yet!

We're doing engagement photos, and I happened to pick out a white dress. I don't know. I was half thinking of just telling everyone we're married with those pictures, but I don't want to lie.

In CA, I think you have 30 days to turn in the license to make it legal. If only that was good for a year...

My sister did that and then was married a little later.

Not a whole lot of people knew all of the details but it worked for her.

You may be hard pressed to find someone reputable who will marry you that way. IDK, it might be possible. I've never known anyone who did it that way. I suppose a lot will depend on the officiant.

About the healthcare, it should be reasonably easy to set up. We had a little hickup in that I'm an immigrant, and DH is stationed in another state, and they wouldn't settle for a photocopy of my documents. But the actual process itself is pretty painless. As soon as you have your ID card, and they have you registered in the system, you are set. Took less than a couple hours to register for everything.You can also check with your current doctor to see if they take Tricare. If you haven't done this yet, I would check. Unless you live on base, you can choose any Doctor that takes the insurance. I have a civilian doctor, because the nearest base is an Army base 2 hours from where I live, and I'm 4 states away from DH's base.

I think that you need to stop letting your mom push you into something you don't want to do (even it's just for the reasons you mentioned). You and your FH are adults and will soon be parents, you need to nip this in the bud before she tries to start butting into every decision you make from here on out. IMO you should sit down just the two of you and tell her that you appreciate the fact that she is concerned, but it is up to you and your FH to decide when where and how you get married. Just because you are pregnant, doesn't mean that you don't deserve to have the wedding you want when the time is right for you and FH. I've been with my FH for 11 years and we have 2 little boys. Although his parents and mine kept bringing up the subject of marriage, we waited until we were both finanically and mentally ready to do so and couldn't be happier.

@Jennifer, you're probably right. I just dreeeeaad telling her we're not going to get married yet, and having to hear it from her the next six months.

I think more than anything I just dread the conversation.. and the following six months of nagging after. We can make it legal (a.k.a. sign the papers) right after the baby is born, which will be be perfect because that's when I lose Medicare privileges. Then we can have our real wedding as scheduled, which I want.

It's not surprising that your mom is trying to push you to get married before the baby's born as she's probably old school and sees it as "tradition". But lets be real, it's the 21st century and you live in America. Who the hell can say what's "traditional" anymore or not. And while parents often expect their children to have identical beliefs, often it is not the case. You clearly don't want to rush the wedding in order to ensure that your little bundle of joy (congratulations, by the way! ) is seen as "legit" (seriously it's the 21st century for the love of God!) and you should definitely go with what you and FH feel is best for you two and your new addition. Mom can whine and complain all she wants but you're a big girl now and you and your FH have the final say in what goes on with your lives together. Don't worry, she'll get over it

I agree with Aretina C. that was very well said.

I agree with Aretina. Although I can understand why your mom is pushing it, nobody should force you.

Also I need to add that watching my SIL switch from Medicaid (Medicare is for elderly)

to her husband's military insurance while pregnant, I think it's best you wait. The military has a tendency to drag their feet on anything medical, whether it's needed or not. She went 4 months of no prenatal care (she put that she had Medicaid on the ins paperwork and they informed Medicaid that she had applied so she was dropped) other than store bought vitamins because she was without insurance.

Good Luck with whatever you decide.

If it helps ease your mind about military care, my hubby is stationed a a large base with a full hospital and I have heard nothing but good about their OBGYN program.

Before we were transferred, there was no base OBGYN program and we used a local doctor that made the experience amazing, and it was all covered by TriCare.

If you choose TriCare standard, you will have a few bills to pay (less than $200 for the whole pregnancy, including elective ultrasound and a ten day hospital stay from complications), but you can see any doctor that will accept the insurance.

If you choose TriCare Prime, you will have no bills, but you will have a premium, and you will be assigned a doctor in the network. We've done both, and I think it just comes down to your resources. Standard is good near small bases because it broadens your options, while Prime is good on big bases because it makes it easier to be seen on base.

I am awful. My first thought was - Can you just lie to your mom and SAY you got married? Do not recommend that though

Get really married now. Do a vow renewal later. No reputable minister is going to do a fake wedding because we are responsible for the expectations and beliefs of the group.

I'd get married now. As far as the military stuff goes, you can be on his insurance (Tricare) as soon as you get the marriage certificate back.

Depending on where you live, you may even be able to keep your current doctor. Some military doctors suck, but others are pretty good. And they take better care of civilians then they do active duty. The ob/gyns are usually pretty good.

If you live by a military post (like I am assuming you do), ask if your doctor takes any form of Tricare. I do disagree with Ryan. I had Tricare Prime and I was able to choose my own doctor from within the network. I was not assigned one.

Reputable Officiants will offer the couple their choice, it is not for them to judge any decisions that the couples make..just saying. However, Ministers probably have a different perspective.

No Lou, a reputable officiant will not perform a fake mariage. It's not a matter of judgement at all; it's the very real fact that we can be accused of being part of a fraud. I know that sounds completely unlikely, but those 100 ish people think the couple is married when they are not. It's simply not a 'choice' I can offer. You want to get married? You need a license. Period.

We've discussed this ad nauseum on two of my officiant boards. The general consensus is to run like the wind. I wouldn't do it. I would do a commitment ceremony, but I'd be darn clear about the fact that it wasn't a legal wedding. My livelihood isn't worth risking.

OP, I work for a medical billing company. To be honest- I'd rather talk to and work with Tricare any day over Medicare or Medicaid.. Also, from my experience- Care/Caid hold TIGHT to their timely filing limit.. Tricare seems to almost always be fore a resubmit.

You just have to have a referal from the military.

If you are old enough to get married and raise a child, you are old enough to say no to your mother. And now would be a great time to do it. If waiting to get married is the best thing for you and the baby (due to your insurance situation), then wait. If getting married now is the best thing, then do it. But don't have a fake marriage (like God wouldn't notice it was a lie?) just to appease your mother.

I have to agree with Jennifer and Aretina. You just need to stand up to your mom and tell her that while you're glad she cares, you're doing things the way you and FH want to do them. Consider it practice for after the baby is born, because I can guarantee she'll try to tell you how to raise your kid too. There'll be a lot of having to stand your ground there. Believe me, I've gone through it with both my mom and FMIL. You just have to learn to stand your ground and remind her that you're an adult and perfectly capable of making your own decisions now.