Rehearsal Dinner - with or without spouse?

This is a tough one for me as well but I had to finally make the decision of no spouses or significant others. We are having ours in the same venue where the ceremony/reception is out of convenience but we don't want to host two major dinners. We are contracted for 25 and I will not go over it a hair! Also I am not doing liquor for the rehearsal dinner...not sure if this is an option you might have considered or if its feasible but it could save some money. Keep us posted!

Wow... to be honest I have never been to a rehersal without a partner... that would be awkward for those attending as well as the spouses... I mean if you have no choice I understand but I would try to not do that

In order to not have to deal with situations like this I decided to do an open BBQ rehearsal dinner at my moms. That way partners can stay at my moms and party and eat if they don't want to sit and be bored at the church while we are rehearsing and I don't have to worry about cost going all over my budget.

We have about 50 RSVP yes and we turned it into a Pot Luck since people wanted to bring food and drink. It's turning into a real house party *huge silly grin*

That's really tough. I've never been to a traditional rehersal dinner without one. We only have 2 people who are married, and both of their spouses are involved (one is singing and one's daughter is the FG) so they have to be there. We're not allowing other partners, though.

From an etiquette standpoint you should invite the sig other/spouses. You're going to get a lot of grumbling if you don't. However, if you decide not to invite them, don't make exceptions. You'll have even more grumbling and unwanted drama right before the wedding and unfortunately, the people doing the grumbling will have a right to be annoyed.

Sorry, you're in a tough spot. I would try and find a way to cut some costs (different restaurant, no liquor, less expensive entrees) and invite the sig others.

I will say as well that I did speak to the bridal party about this before hand so maybe talking to a few folks ( I know you spoke to 2 BM) will make a difference as well?

We are having all spouses and their families, but we are also having the dinner at my parents house. All of the grooms family and friends are coming in from out of town so we wanted to include them.

I'd reconsider where you are having it, if price is the decided factor. Scale it back to something more casual in a location you can afford to include spouses. A potluck at home- or a home cooked meal or a bbq. Look at a buffet restaurant that the price is fixed per person.

I've attended rehearsal dinners where we have paid our own way- and it's never been an issue if the location is reasonable (not a 5 star steakhouse...).

I know it gets expensive, but I would not expect anyone to attend a dinner without their spouse. As you said, the dinner is meant to thank them for their help. Part of their participation involves spending time and money on your wedding.....which means their spouses have been involved in at least the money aspect of it.

If it's a money issue, you could try to find a restaurant that is not as expensive. We are planning on having our rehearsal dinner at our house. We are going to buy everything at Costco: hotdogs and hamburgers on the grill, potato salad, chips/dip, and veggies and drinks.

I'd go with scaling it back to a more casual place (or maybe someone will host it at their home?) so that everyone can be included. that's more important than how fancy it is.

Considering it is her anniversary, I really can't blame her for wanting her spouse there, and saying she won't eat wihtout him. Can you change your rehearsal dinner location to something that is less fancy and more affordable, in order to accommodate everyone? That's what I would do...

Thank you for all the great advice. I'm still torn. As Libragurl said, I really don't want to have a second reception. The rehearsal is actually at the church before hand and if people can't make it to dinner, no big deal.

There is one other factor, one of the BM that is grumbling a little had a no spouse/other rehearsal dinner for her wedding and it seemed to be ok with her when she didn't have a family yet, but now it seems to be a problem.

That is just a biased - but there is one other factor - KIDS - most of my crew has small children and they would bring them too...changing to whole mood of what we were hoping to do at the rehearsal dinner.

Grrrr...still just not sure of myself yet to make a decision. Keep the advice coming!

Oh, and and I want to know, does anyone else think that maybe it's not the best place to be celebrating an anniversary? At someone else's rehearsal dinner? She would just be sitting next to him, not really celebrating anything. I've been throwing around the idea of offering to buy them dinner someplace appropriate for an anniversary as her gift and then just thanking her with her "wedding participant" gift in person the next morning. Thoughts?

Honestly, I don't think anyone expects to bring their kids to a rehearsal dinner, unless it's a casual barbecue. However, I would be very surprised to be asked to attend a rehearsal and dinner without my fiance - we're a unit! Unless it's girls-only or a one-on-one thing, he ought to be able to go wherever I go.

Generally, your wedding party is your closest friends and family. So you want to strike an inclusive, welcoming tone. Not including spouses, or saying, "Here's a gift card, skip our rehearsal dinner and go somewhere else," would be kind of, I dunno...ooky.

You can definitely do "no kids," but you can't really do "no spouses." I can't imagine being invited to a dinner without my husband, unless it was a Girls Night Out kind of thing. Regardless of whether you think she should celebrate her anniversary there, you can't invite her without her husband. Have a more casual dinner instead--somewhere cheaper.

I don't think it's about "celebrating" their anniversary at your dinner, but just being with one another on that special day. It is obviously special to them-10 years is a big anniversary. I don't think it would be appropriate to offer them a gift certificate unless you would normally do this for their anniversary. Instead invite both of them, toast them--- congratulate and thank them for spending their 10 year with you. Regarding the girl who had the no spouse rehearsal: Most people without families of their own do have a different view, so it makes sense that your friend has since changed her view on it. That shouldn't discount her feelings now.

I'm from the mindset that rehearsal dinners/weddings are family events and children should be included. If I had children and was invited to a rehearsal dinner/wedding but my kids weren't welcome I would be slightly offended. Changing your plans might not be what you want, but the rehearsal dinner is supposed to be for them, not you.

Gets out my etiquette book (this comes in sooooo handy):

Who is invited to the rehearsal dinner:

- Everyone who attends the rehearsal is invited to the rehearsal dinner

- that includes the officiant and his/her guest, as well as the wedding coordinator and his/her assistant

- child attendants are invited, along with their parents

- the hosts may invite OOT guest to attend the rehearsal dinner, as is quickly becoming a new etiquette trend. This rather recent phenomenon has caught on, and now guests may expect to be invited

- keep the guest list to a minimum, though, to allow relaxed mingling time for all

Personally, I think it would be rude to not invited spouses/significant others.

If your wedding party members are coming in from out of town, and their spouses are attending the wedding, then yes you should invite the spouses to the rehearsal dinner. It would be rather annoying to have to drive in from out of town/state, and then not be able to eat with your significant other the night before, on top of not being able to see them until after the wedding the day of. If you have a head table they don't even get to eat together at the wedding either.

This leads to a long drive, no time with the spouse/significant other, and at two to three meals alone in a city in which they don't live. Not fun. Have a less expensive dinner and invite the significant others, get a babysitter and McDonald's for the kids and then you can have just adults at the rehearsal and dinner.

I've been in five different weddings and my BF/fiance/spouse was always invited -- however, he only attended one. I don't think there was one where all of the SOs attended. Outside of flowergirls and ring bearers, children were never invited. Two of the dinners were pizza and beer, one was a backyard barbeque and two were at restaurants. The RD shouldn't be a "mini reception", it's a time for a private celebration with your closed friends and family members, so taking a more laid back (aka less expensive) approach is probably more appropriate.

I'm amused at the idea of inviting the OOT guests being a "new" trend. I did it for my first wedding in 1977!

Back to the point: I would invite spouses/SOs. The food can be as simple as pizza and sodas, if finances are an issue. But requiring people to be away from their SOs for an evening (particularly for a 10th anniversary evening in one case) seems inhospitable.