Rehearsal Dinner-pay your own way?

I'm having a non hosted happy hour. It'll be on my website, and I'll let my OOT guests know. I'm using those exact words: non hosted. I will also let the bar/restaurant know this so no one can accidentally stick me with the bill!

You're hosting an event the very next day....you don't NEED to host a dinner the night before, too. I would just say you would love to see them for dinner the night before, but you will not be hosting a dinner

Yikes. Be careful - usually the rehearsal dinner is hosted, especially if you're hosting it.

What I would recommend you do is just keep it casual. Tell people that you're not having a rehearsals dinner, but if anyone wants to join you after for some food, they're more than welcome. Or have a potluck rehearsal at someone's house. Or put your foot down to his family. Tell them you cannot afford one, and that they're more than welcome to pay if they insist.

Have FH speak with his family and let them know this is not in your budget and you cannot afford it. If they offer to plan AND play great. If not, then there will be no rehearsal dinner

I like having a dinner afterwards that is casual. Can I just put a card in their welcome basket that says " We will be meeting up at X at such and such a time. You are welcome to come join us for some more personal time before the big day"?

Agree with BunnyLove. Or see if you can fit in a few pizzas in your budget. You don't need to go fancy for the rehearsal dinner.

We are thinking of just doing pizzas out at his parents house where the wedding will be. This way we can work on it before and after lol AND if any one gets frogy they can help set it up.

There isn't proper etiquette for a pay your own way rehearsal dinner. Just tell your FH to talk to his family and say it's not in your budget to have one. You need to stand your ground here. They can't force you to have one. If you STILL feel obligated to have a dinner, pizza is cheap, so is a giant sandwich tray from Costco. You don't have to be fancy or elaborate. We're catering bbq and having the event in my parents backyard. Keep the dinner small - bridal party, parents, and grandparents only and that will also keep your costs down.

We're doing a semi-hosted happy hour (which I have renamed "cocktail hour" in the hopes of making it sound classier than it is). We're supplying appetizers and hors d'oeurves at a local Irish Pub and everyone can buy their own booze.

First off, rehearsal dinner is just that. It's a dinner after the ceremony rehearsal. Are any of these people in the wedding and planning on rehearsing or are they all just looking for a free meal the night before the wedding. If you are not planning on rehearsing the ceremony then I wouldn't host any dinner. If they are all just looking to go out to dinner then it would be perfectly acceptable to have them foot their own bill.

Annie, they are pretty much looking to go out to dinner. I spoke to my bridal party directly and everyone was ok with going somewhere cheap to just celebrate and have an intimate night before the hordes swooped down on us. lol The bridal party consists of my FI, me, our three children, my MOH and her daughter, my brother-in-law, and FI's cousin. We figured on having the pastor come out too and pay for him. I was then going to invite my MIL and FIL to the dinner.

Now, his grandmother is expecting that she is invited and that his uncle and cousins are invited too. Next we were told we had to invite her brother and sister and their SOs. Before I knew it all the out-of-town guests were being invited by his grandmother. I told her outright that I couldn't afford to have a dinner. Her response was that I was obligated to have a dinner for those coming from out of state and if I didn't I would be rude and inconsiderate to those who traveled so far to be here with us.

Personally, I would rather have my MIL and FIL watch the kids and us adults go out for a drink or two to chill and then get home at a decent hour and get lots of rest. I really don't want the rehearsal dinner but am afraid that if I don't have it then I will cause tension in the family before I am even considered family.

We're having a bbq at my house the day before the wedding. Not really a rehearsal dinner per se, but just want to spend some time with the family and OOT guests before the wedding on Sunday. I certainly wouldn't be guilted into having a dinner I can't afford though. Have your FH talk to his family. If he says no, that takes the blame off you.

Okay...proper etiquette dictates that you provide some kind of meal for the bridal party (and their SOs) if you are having them take the time to participate in a rehearsal. It can be as casual as you want it to be, and you have plenty of inexpensive options. You can make a large casserole and a salad, you can order pizza or a deli tray from the local grocery store, or you can buy several varieties of frozen appetizers and serve them Get a small sheet cake from the grocery store for dessert. Remember to add soft drinks and/or boxed wine, and you've got a hosted meal. Having it at your house is fine, but keep it short. After all, the next day will be a long and eventful one, and a late night party isn't a great idea. It would be lovely if you could afford to host a restaurant dinner for your bridal party, but you can't. However, it's not an option to invite anyone to a restaurant and ask them to pay their own tab. So, as far as the wedding party is concerned, plan something inexpensive and informal.

Now...the OOT guests. The biggest issue I have with this is that you have a woman, his grandmother, who has taken it upon herself to invite all kinds of OOT guests to a dinner she is NOT hosting. She adds insult to injury by telling you that if you don't treat all of her dinner guests to a plated restaurant meal, you are rude and inconsiderate. The very first thing his family needs to know is that it is typically the responsibility of the groom's family to host the rehearsal dinner (since Grandma is so up on etiquette, she should know that). If his parents are paying for your wedding, that changes the dynamic, but you didn't say that they were paying for the wedding, so I assume they're not.

I would politely and honestly tell his grandmother that you are struggling to figure out ways to accommodate her, but the only thing you could come up with was having the OOT guests pay for their own meal. Let her know you cannot, in good conscience, do that. Tell her that you've come up with two options: she and OOT guests are invited to attend your casual, at-home rehearsal dinner, or, if she really insists on the restaurant idea, tell her that you will pay the restaurant what it would have cost you to do the dinner at your house. Anything beyond that, she will have to supplement.

Oh, and tell grandma that you ARE hosting a dinner for all OOT guests -- it's called a reception.

We are having a pre-wedding eve gathering at a pub. We sent out an evite and told people we would be hosting heart appetizers and that beer and soda would be available for purchase. They can also purchase a meal off the menu at their own cost. We reserved the patio of the pub/restaurant and are buying a few larger platters of appetizers the restaurant offers.

My Fiance and I are hosting a dinner at a nearby restaurant buffet style. We rented a semi-private room and we are paying for food. Alcohol will be included for an extended happy hour price, however we are asking our guests to pay for their own drinks.

If you are looking for a cheaper option, I love the ideas of a pot luck or pizza party- It will still cost you but it won't be as expensive as hosting & paying a rental fee.

I personally have been a member of a party where I had to pay my own way for dinner at Chillis after a rehearsal and I found it to be kind of tacky- a large group of people can be a pain to seat even if you have made reservations prior to coming to the restaurant.

How can you host a non hosted event?(Not being rude just curious) I would just skip it if it is something that you don't want to do, or just keep it small. We are having 6 people at our rehearsal dinner and that is including us. It isn't suppose to be some huge event, it is suppose to be used to rehearse with your wedding party, and go out afterwards.

I say if you can't afford it then simply just don't do it. No one can force you to do it they can say a lot of "You have to.." "its rude not to..." but unless they are willing to fork over the cash its not your problem.

A great way to approach this if someone brings it up to you would be "We are hosting a large dinner/party on our wedding day, we would love if someone else wanted to host the rehearsal but we don't have the resources to host two dinners back to back" Resources could mean anything from money to time to whatever....

We have said that for a few things in our wedding planning including Kids at the wedding and both sets of parents have offered to pay for the kids.

As a side note, we are having the rehearsal at a local bowling alley. FH's parents are paying for everyone to bowl for 2 hours and a few pitchers of beer at each lane and pizza and salad for dinner.

If you wanted to do something with the wedding party and you and can't fork out the cash to "host" if they are local then make it a potluck in your hotel room, or bake some cookies and make it an evening dessert hour with some after dinner drinks. It doesn't have to be fancy.

As for your Grandmother, I'd say if she is inviting people to a non-existant rehearsal and people ask you about it, I'd play dumb. "Grandmother invited you to the rehearsal dinner? Wow! I didn't know there was going to be one. Maybe it's a suprise!" Then it falls back on her and if it doesn't happen it looks like she disappointed you instead of vise versa.....

I'm agreeing with Erin, if you can't afford it, don't do it. As long as you let everyone know a meal will not be provided (they most likely will be expecting a meal), and they can plan accordingly. Per etiquette, you should be feeding them-but if you if you can't, you can't.

Many good suggestions were given: order pizza, pot luck, a pasta and salad dinner. We had a bbq, and it was fantastic. We could have done the restaurant with a plated dinner for the BP, but I wanted my OOT guest to come (please don't feel obligated, that's just what I wanted to do). The most affordable alternative was a backyard bbq and booze for my guest.

Tell the grandma that a rehearsal dinner is only for the BP as a thank you for coming to rehearsal. Not even my grandfather is invited to ours because all he'd do is sit there while rehearsal is going on and wait until dinner time. If they are not participating in the wedding ceremony, they can't be invited to the rehearsal dinner. Put your foot down. Then explain that the FH's family is traditionally the ones that front the bill for that dinner and it is not in your budget to have one. So unless they want to pay, they need to all back away from telling you what to do because there's no nice way to tell people to pay for themselves when the meal is supposed to be a thank you for coming out for the wedding rehearsal. The reception is for everyone else as a thank you for coming out for the wedding.

If you really don't want to do it just don't. I will be doing it as people usually miss their dinner meal to come to rehearsal and it is a nice time for the wedding party and future in laws to discuss the next day's festivities. As others said it doesn't have to be anything lavish Pizza and soda/beer in the church basement or at someones home is plenty. As for FH's family they should host the dinner if it is that important to them to have it. If the grandmother has invited OOT guest to a dinner then she should pay for them. Whatever you decide to do don't let your future inlaws coerce you into paying for something you can't afford.

O_o... Don't do it. Don't have a rehearsal dinner if you can't pay for it.

The only other idea I have is to invite people to the rehearsal and say "there is no rehearsal dinner, however a few of us might go out to X restaurant after to relax before the big day. You're welcome to join us."