Rehearsal Dinner - Divorced in-laws causing drama

Oh holy cow. That's ridiculous to expect his dad not to show up - and really manipulative to try and get you to agree because she's paying for it!

Wow! Tell her to keep her money, and her opinions, to herself.

Nope. Sorry. they are invited. Who holds a grudge for that long?

Host it yourself and invite who you want.

I would politely decline her offer to host the dinner - too many strings attached.

I feel like aside from politely declining her offer to host and then you and your FH hosting and inviting whoever you choose, it's really your FH that should be handling this one. He needs to have a talk with his mother and hash this one out. It's really crummy she's acting like that and can't act like an adult for her son's wedding. It's absolutely not too much for your FH to expect to have his father at all of the wedding events and it's ridiculous of his mother to have a problem with that. I'm sure this woman would be positively incensed if it were the other way around and the father was hosting the RD and said she could not be there. Someone should remind her of that.

"We will be hosting the rehearsal dinner ourselves but thank you for the generous offer to continue with tradition. Our families are too important for anyone to not be welcomed. We understand any decision you choose to make moving forward."

Umm ... in reply to your FMIL ... no! I assume that he and his wife will be at the rehearsal and the point of the rehearsal dinner is to thank everyone for participating. It would be completely out of line for him and his wife to be excluded. One way to handle the situation - take her power away and pay for the rehearsal dinner yourself.

Also, you should let your FH handle his parents. She shouldn't be putting you on the spot by sending you emails.

And lastly, you can have whomever you want in your wedding party! If you want your FH's nieces and nephews in the wedding party, that is your choice!

If your FH doesn't nip this in the bud NOW then FMIL will be pushing herself into all aspects of your wedding.

Basically I am really pissed at your FMIL

@Kathleen ... Yes!!!! You worded it perfectly!

What Kathleen said!!!

She would be disappointed if any of your FH nieces and nephews were involved in the wedding? Who does she think she is? FH needs to say, "Mom, you are very important in my life and so is Dad. As Dad will be an honored guest at the ceremony, he will be invited to sit in the front row and needs to be invited to the rehearsal dinner. We would be happy to host our own rehearsal dinner and you may sit in the second row of the ceremony if sitting in the same row as Dad makes you too uncomfortable."

That is crazy! My FH's parents have been divorced since he was nine and don't have anything to do with each other. However, all parties involved understand that the other will be at events. We, of course, will not seat them next to each other during the ceremony and certainly at different tables for the reception.

What Kathleen said - decline the money and host it yourself.

The fact that her grudge has been held for so long and is now carrying over into the next generation (the grandkids?? come on!) really shows what kind of person she is. Keep her at a distance...

Yippee Kathleen!

Hahahah wow, thanks guys!! I did talk to my FH about this and he's pretty pissed too. He plans to say something to her, but our main goal is just to keep the drama to a minimum. She seems to think this wedding is a HUGE ordeal, no matter how many times I tell her I want it to be simple and laid-back. I actually was planning to host the rehearsal dinner myself so that I could include all the OOT guests - I was going to host a catered dinner in our backyard and invite any guests over later for drinks and a meet and greet so that no one feels excluded. FMIL was beside herself that I was considering this because the rehearsal dinner is "the one chance we get to take your parents out to dinner, and it needs to be a nice dinner". I love her and want her to have some involvement in the process, but you guys are absolutely right. We (or FH, specifically) need to lay down some ground rules on this one.

OP - good move letting your FH take the lead. It will be less messy that way

Your parents are not going to disappear after the wedding. She can take them out for a nice dinner any time she wants to. They aren't going to go *poof* and disappear the day after the wedding.

I had a slightly similar issue with my FIL's. The best advice i got was to have an adult conversation where you talk to both of them on the issues as an adult to an adult- because this behaviour from FMIL is the behaviour of a child. I'm not going to lie- it is not easy- but your FH or yourself need to lay it on the line. They are BOTH his family, it certainly is not the children's fault and while you may be able to sit them in different rows it is unacceptable to put this choice on future hubby. There may be some sulking but in the end she will realise she is being severely unreasonable and hurting both of you and will be able to talk to you about her concerns, rather than making demands on YOUR special day. You may have to have an uncomfortable conversation with FFIL too.

This sucks- really sucks and I'm sorry. Good Luck!