Recently engaged

Sorry for the novel but I’m very passionate about things like this. There will be some who disagree but I completely get it. I think the coin is a sweet add-on, but in our culture the ring is important even if it is a $10 fake one. No diamond, a simple band, doesn’t matter, I don’t think the actual ring matters but I do think having one matters. It is a symbol to others that you are officially taken, promised to someone. And it is a symbol to you that you are committed to your partner. I would have been crying too if I got a coin but no ring. Do not feel bad about ruining the surprise. I think he should have been open with you about this Florida ring when he asked you. I think it’s completely valid to do the engagement photos with a temporary ring or with your wedding band, but also valid if you want to wait til you have your engagement ring. Don’t say you should just be happy he wants you...after 5.5 years this is it. I’m sure he loves you very much. My husband and I have had a rough road (we’ve been incredibly happy for the last four years but I am still healing from the horror that was 2016). I’m vocal about this because I feel strongly and obviously you want to marry the right person at the right time, but I’m not ok with people taking up the better part of a decade of your life with the secret thought of “I know your goal is marriage and maybe we’ll get married one day if I don’t get bored or find someone better.” All this to say I don’t think there’s anything wrong with expecting a ring and proposal after 5.5 years if he wants to continue the relationship and keep building. I wish you all the best and good luck!

When I took my engagement photos I actually didn’t have any hyper focused on the ring at all! My bff posted some of her engagement photos as an announcement and none of them were focused on the ring at all either. So you can totally do engagement photos without a ring.

We didn't have many ring-focused pictures, but I do understand being upset about the ring. It's a symbol in society, even if it is very trivial and materialistic. However, I don't think getting the band now and diamond later would be a big deal. It still fulfills the "ring = taken" societal standard. I think you need to talk to your fiancé and explain the whole issue. He loves you and he'll understand!

We got engaged when we were walking the dogs and talking about our future. It wasn’t a formal proposal, we just sort of set a date for the wedding. I went abroad for work, about 4 months, and planned what I could for the wedding.


When I got back home I had booked a wedding dress outfit day, and planned on having family coming in. I didn’t pry about a ring or anything, and suddenly about a week before going to the wedding dress appointments he proposed with a ring. He told me he wanted it to be a surprise and wanted me to show off my ring when I look at dresses.
It was unusual, but it’s our story! Some men just go at a different pace, and have a different schedule for things. Be calm and I’m sure he will get you the perfect ring!

I did not get engaged with a ring. Our engagement happened because we were talking about our future and mutually decided we wanted marriage as a part of it (after 6 years of dating, 5 of which we lived together). I honestly wouldn't have it any other way. We didn't do engagement photos, so I can't comment on that. We aren't really the flashy, tons of pictures type, so hiring a photographer for the wedding was enough for us lol. He did eventually get me a ring lol, with the help of my mom who works in the jewelry business (she may or may not have been planning my engagement ring for awhile lol).

We picked out the ring together. The best way I can describe it? He took me to a store and told me to look and see what I loved, because he knew the ring was important to me. And we waited over six weeks for the freaking thing to come in, because it had to be resized, before he actually officially proposed. But I agree with Mrs.S - there are 50 dollar rings that can be a standin (modern gent trading co for example). Even when I had mine in to get my wedding band soldered on, I had something on my finger because it was important to me. It's not the ring itself- its that it clearly means a lot to you. He should have checked with you because the ring is huge for women. I cannot tell you how many people demanded to see my ring when we started planning, and I have photos from our engagement photos that were ring photos, mostly of our hands close together.



Now, does it have to be that way? No. But you're allowed to be disappointed that you don't have your ring, and he probably should have come clean and explained why there wasn't one. The coin is very sweet, but the ring means a lot to you for obvious reasons. In our culture, it means being taken and so much more than that.

It doesn't matter what we think, it matters what you feel.

I appreciate that your FH wanted to surprise you, but I think it would have helped if he had explained the coin was a placeholder for the heirloom in FL.

DH proposed with a loaner ring, because mine was stuck in the mail, so I get people asking to see the ring, and it isn't yours.

That said, if there's a special ring you have right now that you can wear as a placeholder?

While the coin is sweet I understand and appreciate your feelings that it wasn’t a ring. I’d would probably be most frustrated that he wasn’t open with his plans to get the diamond and design one together. Like others said, maybe you could get a placeholder ring if you anticipate it will be a few months till you have your forever ring. It could still be something symbolic and representative of you two (birth stones, something with coins, favorite quote inside). I’d explain that you really want something to wear as a symbol of the engagement and I would check out Etsy together. We took engagement pics but they aren’t focused on my ring at all. If you really want to move forward with those I would and you could rock some faux bling. If the ring isn’t in focus you can’t tell what it looks like lol. You could always have detail shots of your forever ring done at your wedding if you want pro pics of it.

I didn’t have a ring at first and wasn’t as phased about it. It was a little odd when people would say something or look confused. Eventually we did pick out a ring together but it didn’t stop us from planning. It’s all a matter of your perception and attitude.


You can just explain to them when they ask just as you’ve explained it to us here. It’s not that you don’t have the ring, it’s that you don’t have it yet or that you’re waiting to get it from his grandparents.
If you need it, why don’t you go out and get yourself and temporary ring as pp have suggested?

My man proposed at the dinner table without a ring, and not on one knee. Lol.

It was on NYE and we (FH, stepdaughter, and I) had been writing our favorite memories from the past year on strips of paper and we decided to read them aloud that night. On the last piece of paper, he had written "The night I asked you to marry me" and I just bawled!!

I know in our culture there's a LOT of focus placed on traditions and what we have collectively decided is "normal," but in my case, I chose to embrace what is unique to us. It makes it our story, and I like how special and different it is. What's romantic to me is how he creatively chose to make that moment special instead of just copying something cliche and showy.

(He didn't propose with a ring partially because I'm really picky and he wanted me to find exactly what I wanted, which I greatly appreciate.)

I want to echo some earlier thoughts to say that while the coin is a really sweet gesture that shows he wanted to make the moment special, it is understandable and 1000% valid to have feelings that it wasn’t a ring.

I think there's a sense of "traditionally this is how it's done" that is actually not as true as it may once have been but the notion of it causes a lot of pressure on couples. The more I look at blog posts or other discussion threads here, I find that there's no single right way to get engaged which is a relief since I don't have a "typical" story either. This time has been really stressful for all couples wedding planning and that's bound to bring new scenarios that people have to navigate through.

Maybe it's worth considering a place holder that you pick out together through Etsy (which has tons of beautiful choices!) which has special significance for you and opens up an avenue of conversation about the kind of ring you'd like for the forever one. I haven't yet done engagement photos but from the preliminary looking around I've done, I get the sense that the photographer will work with you for the kinds of pictures you'd like which could focus more on you and your FH than the ring. Or if you'd feel more comfortable with ring pictures, waiting until you have your special placeholder ring that you're picked out together may be worth doing.

I would simply respond to those who ask about the ring with "It's a surprise!!!" You have already secured the most important element of any wedding, and that is your soulmate.

Best of luck, sweetheart!

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I appreciate your novel! I think the Florida ring became a thing after the proposal and I typically have a really hard time when plans change. It's how my brain is wired. He didn't tell anyone he was planning on proposing before he did it. Didn't talk to my dad about it. Didn't talk to his parents. So my theory is once he told his parents and said he didn't get a ring, this plan was cooked up. Again, I don't know for sure, just my guess. I totally agree on your point of making sure the goal is marriage. Which is why every few months (prior to him proposing), I'd ask if that was something he wanted. If we weren't working towards the same goal, we would definitely need to reevaluate some things! Thank you for your kind words and novel!

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Thank you! This is so helpful!

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Thank you for your response. I have been struggling internally with feeling materialistic about the whole thing. We will likely have a conversation soon about everything now that I've had a few days to think and process everything and hopefully I can not be so emotional.

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Love this! We are also a bit older (I'm 36) and I was telling some of his friends the other night that I think as people get older and are together longer, the decision to get married becomes less exciting and "movie-esque". My best friend helped me see a while back (when I was panicking about how to post an announcement with no ring) that this story is ours. Still, I've definitely felt the pressure to be like everyone else. I will continually remind myself to "be calm". lol Thank you!

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Haha I love this! Thank you! I am VERY into pictures, he is not. His mom comments that there are few pictures of him before I came along. Ironically.... when my parents got engaged there was no ring. And I think my brother proposed without a ring. AND my grandma proposed to my grandpa. So apparently my family just goes the non-traditional route. haha. That's funny that your mom is in the jewelry business. His dad is too, and recently he told me he thinks that's why he's not big into jewelry- it was just always around haha. I appreciate your input!

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Thank you! I appreciate this!

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Thank you for your input!

So funny story.... at the beginning of quarantine (about 2 months before he proposed), I bought myself a cheap turquoise ring on etsy. I was mad at him and thought "screw it. If he's not going to buy me a ring, I'll buy myself one." lol I also spent a lot of quarantine cleaning and found some simple stackable rings my mom sent and I've been going back and forth between the stackable and the turquoise ring. But I was doing that before we got engaged, so it feels less special I guess. I'm feeling better about the plain wedding band though, which would likely be gotten when things open here soon.

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All great points, thank you!