Rant: my best friend doesn't realise how much her destination wedding will cost us

I don't think she's being entitled and I have to disagree with you. Their wedding plans are their own and they can make decisions for their day without consulting anyone. I think that the only way she's being entitled is if she's demanding or throwing a fit that people have to attend. With any destination wedding even if it's only a few hundred dollars to travel people need to understand that people may not be willing to pay that or may not be able to afford it. I don't feel like she's wrong for choosing to do her wedding day as she wants to just as you wouldn't want anyone criticizing you for your wedding day. I think that if you feel it's going to be too expensive to go then you can simply decline but if she has any local pre-wedding events it would be great for you to go. I'm not trying to be difficult with you but I know for me if I had my way I would have married abroad to and I would do what me and my fiance want not what others want from us. If they can go great and if not oh well.

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I don't have an issue with them getting married abroad, it's more that when I've mentioned in passing that I don't know if I could attend because of the cost she has almost scolded me like 'well just count this as your next holiday instead of going elsewhere' kind of thing.

View Quoted Comment Okay so in that yeah I can see where you're coming from. Sadly, some Brides get really wrapped up in their day that they don't think about others. They definitely don't think about others budgets. I will see this if she's a really good friend of yours and you cannot afford to go then she should understand that but if she's willing to hold a grudge against you for not going to a very far away destination wedding then and your friendship is not meant to be.

I have had several friends choose to have destination weddings; and although I have attended them, I never felt pressured by the couple to do so. However, if I were unable to afford them, I simply would have declined to go. I, personally, will be having a destination wedding next year. We chose a location here in the US though, so it would not require international travel for our guests and it would be much more affordable for everyone. So far, only one person has indicated they would not be attending - my fiancé’s sister & her husband. Which is totally fine. We completely understand if people have conflicting schedules, cannot leave their children for that long, or do not want to drop that kind of money to attend. I don’t think it’s wrong or entitled for your friend to want to have the wedding of her dreams. It’s not OK, however, to scold somebody if they cannot/choose not to attend. Anytime you choose to have a destination wedding, you must also accept the fact that decline rates will likely be much higher than if you were to have a local celebration. Unfortunately, if she is already lecturing you on your attendance, it sounds like she may be the type to end a friendship if you do not attend her wedding. Hopefully that’s not the case!

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It's just frustrating because she's a great friend but her comments about this are frustrating. The costs would be minimum $4-5,000 for flights and accommodation and even if I had that money available, I don't know how comfortable I would feel with spending it when travel is so expensive! (that and I am slowly saving for maternity leave when we start TTC in a few years' time).

I feel like having a destination wedding would be so exciting but her attitude about it has just disgusted me! 17 hours of flying and thousands to attend, it's not exactly a penny in a bucket!

View Quoted Comment That is definitely asking a lot of her guests! It’s fine if that’s the wedding she wants to have, but she needs to be realistic about it. Not everyone can afford (or wants to) drop that kind of money for a wedding. And she needs to be OK with that.

To be honest, I wouldn’t even think about it until there’s a set plan. I wouldn’t talk about it at all unless she brings it up and if she does, I’d kind of just go along with what she says until again, there’s actually a set plan. Once that happens, then you can have a serious conversation with her about it depending on where you’re at in your life. No point in stressing or upsetting your friend over something that’s not even a reality yet.

Oh yes. Some people do not get it, that when you must save and save up time to do something for 1-3 years, you want to go where you want to go. Not necessarily where they want their wedding. Given $10,000 and a week or 2 off, that area would be more than a hundred down my list on places to go, even in good times. Practice saying, "that does sound like something you would like. Me? Not interested." You do not have to discuss it at length. And keeping up with friends with money to play around with won't improve your life a whit.

As others have said, people should be understanding if you can't afford expensive travel. However, I kind of relate to SOME of your friend's logic. Europe will always be there, your BEST friend will (hopefully) only be married once. I think I'd be a bit hurt too if my best friend was objecting based on money yet they were up for a different pricy vacation.

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I definitely don't have any immediate plans to travel internationally (between the mortgage and my fears of flying, I won't be going anywhere for a while). If I didn't have the mortgage to worry about, I wouldn't be as hesitant, but considering how long it'll take to save up any decent money to travel when 90% of my income goes towards daily living expenses, I don't know how comfortable I'd feel blowing that money on someone else's dream? Haha if money wasn't an issue I wouldn't care at all but sadly that's not quite the case

Wow... thats crazy!!! All i am hearing is how much money spent.... i would have to get passport, plane tickets, book place to stay, food to eat, wedding attire, gift for couple ... i only make $450 a week!!! I wouldnt travel for anyone no matter how close!!! Thats too much money

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Tell me about it!

It would be a minimum of a few days off work + travelling 17 hours (one way) which alone is about $2,500+ + accommodation and then ancillaries and the gift.

It isn't concrete yet (although my friend is quite adamant about it) but you can see why I'm already so worried!

I can understand both sides... I mean, to be honest, those places are around the same cost as Europe; at least the European vacations I have taken.
I wouldn’t stress about it just yet. Who knows what travel will be like in a year or two! Also, I would not expect a gift from guests who travel for a destination wedding.
If you’re complaining about taking days off for a vacation, then I probably wouldn’t do it! Lol if you’re not looking at it as a vacation and more of a chore, I wouldn’t go. She hopefully would understand and respect your decision!!!

I agree that if it's vaguely two years in the future at some unknown destination, there is a part of it that you can just let go for now and let her talk. (We have close relatives who live in AU who frequently travel all over the world and they don't see being allowed to leave their state before the end of this year and don't have high hopes about resuming international travel for quite some time.) But, if you're super close and she's truly bouncing real ideas off you, I think it's fair to let her know that given where you expect to be in the next year or two -- just having finally been able to have your own wedding, working on your home/career, and longer-term goals like starting a family -- you want her to know that as much as you love her and cherish your friendship, in all likelihood you won't be in a position to make that kind of a financial & time commitment to attend an international DW. If you're that close of friends, I'd want to be honest with her. Like others have said, a couple can have whatever kind of wedding they want to, but they need to understand some guests won't be able to attend. If she's still in the decision making stages, it might be helpful for her to know that one of her closest friends won't be able to make it. If she continues to make demands, I'd just tell her you want to be honest so you don't disappoint her later. Say it often enough and she'll, hopefully, eventually understand that you mean it.

And, FWIW, I have been pressured into attending a DW. It was only 3000 miles away, in the US, but on the opposite coast. The time of year was terrible (I teach and it was the middle of a term), there were no direct flights so it was a long crazy itinerary (for a 4 day weekend, I was in transit for 30+ hours with airport waiting times and driving), and we had to stay at a remote Inn during "fall foliage" and a major university's Parents Weekend, so three hotel nights were well over a $1000. I would not have gone except that the bride & her mother, both close relatives, made it absolutely clear declining was not an option. I love them, but I still resent having been pressured into attending.

Good luck!

I honestly can’t imagine asking someone to spend that much to attend my wedding. I had guilt about asking friends to travel across the states to come to ours. I wouldn’t want to miss my best friend’s wedding but I definitely can see your concerns. Until things are set in stone I probably wouldn’t discuss it unless she brought it up. I would be truthful with her about how much it’ll cost you, and other guest. I just feel like it’s a lot to ask of anyone.

I mean I get it, but in your friend's shoes, where is the wedding supposed to take place? Spain, and make her family travel? Australia, and make his family travel? It's a difficult spot for her to be in as well, and I'm sure lots of people have feelings (complaints) on it.