Questions on a Jack and Jill?

I'm just going to say, yes, I agree with your mother on everything. Also, even though it's not clear your mom objected to it, search for previous posts about potluck weddings, because there are lots of reasons that might not be a good idea either. Have the wedding you and FH can afford to host, and that will eliminate almost all concerns.

I believe the word your mom was using is "gauche." It is generally considered rude to ask for money, and these Jack and Jill showers are not viewed favorably. A lot of couples on here pay for their wedding themselves so that is no reason to fundraise or panhandle for your wedding. Having a potluck wedding is also considered rude because that is just another way you're making your guests pay for your wedding when you should be hosting them as a thank you for coming to your ceremony. Instead, consider other options such as keeping your guest list small, have a wedding at a non-meal time so you can have what's called a "cake and punch reception", or wait so you have more time to save more money.

As for putting your website information on your save the dates, that is fine and very common.

Overall, your mom's instincts are right and I recommend listening to her.

View Quoted Comment We cant afford catering which is why we are doing the pot luck. She has no issue with the pot luck its jusy everything else we seem to be doing she disagrees with..even though she isn't helping pay for it..at all.

I have to agree with your mother, I’m sorry that may be hard to hear.

Jack and Jill’s have really fallen off and are generally not well-viewed for a huge list of reasons.

I have to echo PP who noted concern about potluck weddings. If you do move forward with that idea please please please make it evident to all guests so they can make their own food or attending decisions. In general the potluck weddings I’ve attended are usually either lacking in food, information, and variety. Please don’t risk the health and safety of your guests. As mentioned there are affordable ways to cover food such as BBQ or Italian, or cake-and-punch receptions during non meal times.

there no issue with putting the wedding website info on the save the dates. Please don’t auto-direct them to your registry information though. It’d be best to just direct them to the homepage of your wedding website other wise it could come off as gift grabby.

View Quoted Comment I couldn’t agree with this more.

View Quoted Comment I understand that you can’t afford catering, but even ordering pizza and putting some bagged salad in bowls would be better than a pot luck. Or a cake and punch reception as others have suggested, that can be done for a couple hundred dollars (unless you’re inviting like 200 people, but I think your budget calls for a small, intimate celebration). It doesn’t need to be anything fancy.
Pot lucks are tacky for the reasons listed above and then you have to worry about who made the food and was it kept at proper temperatures, etc. I’ve only heard of two pot luck weddings in real life, and to be honest, most people were very turned off and talking poorly about the weddings before they even happened. You don’t want that to be the mood of your wedding before it even happens.

View Quoted Comment All of this.

To add about potlucks: potlucks are terrible for weddings. People can handle food safety for 5-10 people easily buy very few people have access to an industrial kitchen to handle food safety and keep all foods at the right temperature for an entire wedding. Potlucks are also impossible for people with allergies. I don’t eat at potlucks because I can’t trust that there wasn’t any cross contamination that would put me in the hospital. Having a guest go into anaphylactic shock puts a real damper on any party.

Your mom is absolutely right! It is considered gauche, or ill mannered, to have a fundraiser for your wedding , a Jack and Jill. And you should not mention or send links to anything related to gifts or gift registries, in a Save, or an invitation. You should not be so concerned with getting money, or getting gifts, that you notify people if things. If people want gift suggestions, or registries, they will look them up, or ask. Don't just presume.

So to explain briefly...

I just spoke with my fiance...we are doing a pot luck BUT we are providing the main meat entree for dinner..and asking people to bring sides. We do have access to a kitchen and have several serve safe people on premise who will be available for food issues, as well as people at the venue who will be moving the food from the kitchen to the pavillion after the wedding, so as to not leave food out during the ceremony. We are also asking everyone's allergies, so that when food is delivered, we will have a note card ready of their dish with ingredients of what is in their dish so as to not make anyone sick or go into shock. We are asking people to send us what they will be bringing for food so we can make the note cards prior to the wedding.

Echoing what others have said, your mom is right. It’s not your friends responsibility to pay for your wedding. It is also not your guests responsibility to provide the food for your wedding. Either find a cheap catering option (pizza or bbq), cut your guest list, elope, or push your date back to allow you to save money. As a guest, I would never attend a wedding I had to help pay for or bring a covered dish.

As far as putting your wedding website on your STD, that is completely fine. That is where it is supposed to go and offers wedding information for your guests.

Good luck with everything!

Yes, your mom is right. Basically all of your plans are gauche, aka lacking class and rude.

1) Wedding fundraiser (Jack and Jill): no. You're not a charity. Save up and host the wedding that you can afford.

2) Advertising your registry early so that you can get more presents: no. Don't expect presents, and then you'll be pleasantly surprised by anything you receive. Definitely don't fish for presents. It's technically okay to put your wedding website on your STD, but it should be for the purpose of giving your guests information they want or need like hotel blocks and transportation, not to solicit presents.

3) Honeymoon Registry: no. This is just a cash registry in disguise, and registering for money is definitely gauche. If you want money, don't register or create a small registry of physical items for the people who will not give cash no matter what; people will get the hint.

4) Potluck wedding reception: Yikes! Hard no. The point of the reception is to thank your guests and receive them by offering them food and drink appropriate to the time of day. It is your responsibility as the host to feed them, and it's the height of rudeness to expect them to feed not only themselves, but also other guests. This goes back to #1, as well - host the wedding you can afford to host. If you can't afford to feed a meal for your guest list, either cut the guest list or have your wedding ceremony and reception at a non-meal time (e.g. 2-5 pm) and have a 'cake and punch' reception.

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That's still a potluck reception and is not appropriate for a wedding. This is not an okay thing to request of your guests. You are responsible for the main AND the sides.

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This. Having a Jack and Jill to raise money for your wedding and having a potluck isn't how you pay for your wedding yourselves. They're having other people help you pay for it.

A honeyfund is something else. If you prefer cash instead of physical gifts, make a very small registry or no registry at all. People will get the idea. If you can't afford a honeymoon on your own, plan a weekend getaway or postpone taking one till you can afford it.

Have the wedding you can afford. Twelve people in the park for cake and punch can be lovely. Do not ask for money or gifts in any way.

If you think you have no money now, wait until you hold a potluck and someone nearly dies of food poisoning and sues you. Pot lucks are not safe and not appropriate for weddings. Your guests should not be asked to work your wedding. Or to pay for it. And they aren't professional food handlers. It's dangerous. And rude.

You'll notice that every single poster has given you this exact same advice, and you have resisted and argued and not listened to their expertise.

View Quoted Comment How many guests plus wedding party ( including you) are you talking about, for food?

Your mother is right. You shouldn't ask or expect others to pay for your wedding, you should have the wedding you can afford to pay for yourselves. Fundraisers are for charities, not weddings. Along with the food safety concerns, a potluck is asking others to pay for the food you should be providing. If you can't afford catering then you may need to cut your guest list or have an afternoon cake and punch reception.

View Quoted Comment A link to a wedding website on an STD is fine. But as they are being sent out 10 months before the wedding, it is far too early to have registries posted . It looks very gift grabby. Later on, at 5-6 months, fine. But posting links to registries close to a year in advance, no. So either send the website link, with Saves in October, with no links to registry added to the website until February. Or do not send Saves at all until 6 months before the wedding, and have registries posted any time. OP does not give any reasons for doing Saves so early except for getting registry info, and meal info, out there sooner. And people's info on meals will not be acted on for months and months. And putting out registries too early . . . Not nice. You cannot get accurate info on who will it will not help with potluck, long before people even know if they are coming or not, from any but a few so close to bride they can talk separately.

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To add, just in case someone reading this thread is thinking, "MY friends and family would NEVER sue me...." Please realize they wouldn't need to. If they became ill eating food at an event you hosted, that was not prepared in a licensed kitchen, your guests' medical insurance and/or medical providers can (and very likely will) sue you to cover the expenses related to their care. Insurance companies do NOT want to pay claims if there is any way they can shift the responsibility to someone else. If you choose to host an event and serve food that is not prepared to your state and/or local municipalities health code standards, YOU WILL BE FINANCIALLY RESPONSIBLE for damages (e.g., medical care, lost wages, etc.). If you think catering is too expensive, just imagine starting your marriage with a huge financial judgement against you.... Save yourself the risk and have a wedding you can afford to host in accordance with applicable laws. (This is why most venues do not allow self-catering -- they do NOT want to be co-defendants with you in a lawsuit.)

View Quoted Comment That doesn’t solve the problem of food safety during preparation. Food needs to be kept at proper temperatures throughout the preparation not just at the end when it’s being served. If food spoils before it’s prepared due to improper handling, storing the prepared dish at the right temperature solves nothing.

Also the dish may not have an allergen in it, but may have been prepared on a cross-contaminated pan. Or the ingredients they used may have been packaged on a line that includes allergens. Now with severe allergies your guests are still risking an allergic reaction and you are libel for their medical costs.

There's nothing wrong with including your wedding website on the save the date and there's nothing wrong with putting where you're registered on the website. However, i think it would be a waste of time registering. I would just assume that if a couple is doing a potluck and a jack and jill, then i would consider the dish i contributed and the money paid for the jack and jill (if i attended) my gift. I might bring a bottle of champagne but i certainly wouldn't be buying a $100 gift from the registry.