PSA/Rant: Bridesmaids are not a personal ATM

Shannon...although I agree with your post....getting married isn't an excuse to make your friends and family spend colossal amounts money (ex: My BM's dresses were $100.00...and they get to pick their own shoes/jewerly...so they can use whatever they have...and my sister "borrowed" some of the shower/bachelorette party decor. I had left over from her stuff, for my parties..we're recycling) I agree with brides trying to be "cost effective" and be understanding that yes, "these things cost money, so let's make it work so everyone's happy" attitudes...I completely agree with that as a Bride.

Now as a MOH and in a wedding party...I think there's a good number of Bridesmaids who forget that yes, these things cost money and take time and effort to throw the Shower and Bachelorette Party and the responsbility of footing the bill should not fall on the shoulders of the MOH, and just because the MOH is the Bride's Sister...SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO SPEND ALL THE MONEY and be the only one who**

Goes out of her way to make it all happen and work. When you agree to be in a wedding party, you know that there will be expenses you need to incurr. And Yes I know financial situations come up (I'm a Bride..and a MOH...I get it, I understand it) But as a Bridesmaid, I would have a hard time enjoying all the events and not contributing to it in any way, shape, or form.

Sorry for my rant....just threw a Bachelorette Party for my sister and 1 of the Bridesmaids contributed $20.00 and the other maybe $30.00 (I spent $350.00) and we all agreed at the beginning of planning both events that the bill would be SHARED equally... But I agree with your original discussion that Brides should not expect their Bridesmaids to spend a fortune for them (My sister has no idea about anything going on behind the scenes... )

I havent even made my bridesmaids buy their own dresses...all i require is them to get shoes and show up...everything else is paid for

I'm not having a big wedding party. Only have 1 sister (who will probly be my MOH) and no girl friends close enough that I'd ask to be a BM. So I'm not expecting anything. Wouldn't anyway, not my style.

Double Amen!

When my Bridesmaids and I choose their dresses (they all had a say in what they got...I just got final say on the colour) I paid for all of them up front and I told them now much they cost (I paid for shipping because we ordered online) and if they wanted to keep their dress after, then pay me what they wanted, if not, I'm selling it online afterwards....so it was up them whether or not they paid for it..and 1 girl is paying bit by bit, which is cool. I'm all for "making it easy" for the girls, it's my wedding, I don't want them to have to feel like they have to spend a lot of money on MY day...I just don't think its' fair that the responsibility of having the parties fall on 1 person. (more so Bridesmaids, which have nothing to do with Brides)

I'm both a bride and a BM. We have decided to only have our children in our BP, so those expenses are on us. But my girls wanted to do the typical bridal party things for me anyway. It truly has been an outpouring of support, even if that title isn't there.

The WP I am in is a slightly different story. (I'm not trying to brag, but) I am the oldset BM, make the most money at my job and have a fiance that makes good money too. I have had more than one of the other BMs ask me to cover a higher percentage of the our joint expenses, like the shower and such because they coudn't really afford them. I'm on a tight budget myself, but that was MY choice to do so.

We often seem to either forget, or remember that our BP are the most important people in the world to us. But they still have their own lives to deal with and many have financial struggles. If you are going to let a few bucks stand in the way, you might want to reevaluate your relationships.

That's why I have no MOH. if you don't appoint a leader, then none of the expensive stuff ever gets done! yes I had a shower and bachelorette but they were small and simple and didn't cost anyone much.

Meghan, I completely agree...in the WP I'm in (where I'm MOH) I'm the youngest and probably make the most in the group, but I've got the most expenses and I'm planning/paying for my own wedding, but I'm expected to pay for everything because the Bride is my sister....I don't agree with that at all....All the Bridesmaids have said if there was a problem with finances to speak up, and no one spoke up, but I'm still footing the bill

Just my opinion: Thinking of someone as an ATM is completely disrespectful. But I must agree and disagree on some points. I feel that we should all be mindful in this time of economic strain etc. but i also feel that being chosen as a BM or MOH for someone's wedding is an honor and their are responsibilities that come with that. I have had 3 invitations to be a MOH or BM in someone's wedding over the last 3 years. The first i declined and the other two i accepted. Why? Because first go round, i knew what my responsibilities as a bridal party member would be and i knew that i couldn't uphold that responsibility. The other two i said yes because financially i was able to handle it. The bridge and groom have great financial responsibility as well. In my wedding, my girls purchased their dresses and their shoes, I purchased their jewelry. One of my MOH doesn't work and is on disability and the other is struggling herself but they did the best they could with what they had and that

Shannon, I agree with you 110%. My sister was over the top with her expectations of her BM's and at times I didn't even want to be in her wedding.

Although I don't think ANYONE should expect others to foot the bills/spend tons of $$$, buy expensive gifts, etc...I DO think & EXPECT BMs or MOHs to help out with things here and there...help with feedback, get togethers to talk about wedding, to show up when I have a BM lunch, help the other ppl in BP when it comes to shower, bach parties, etc. BUT most of all, SUPPORTING YOUR FRIENDS! Theres a serious lack of that going around. It's so exhausting, this wedding planning crap, the least they could do is lend an ear and their feedback when you ask them a question :/

Totally with you. This is main reason I didn't want a Bridal Shower, and the reason i took over planning my own Bach Party. Times are tough for everyone, i wanted to make things easy on my girls!

I greatly appreciated whatever they did for me. I didn't expect all these things but they threw me a nice shower with what they could afford. But out of a 13 girl bridal party, maybe 5 actually contributed. My non-working sister used her food card for the food because she said to me...one day i'll be getting married and i know you would do the same for me. She also had 3 children in my wedding and i and my mom helped her with what she needed. Needless to say after the wedding (i took her food shopping lol) but anyway NOT ONE of my SIL (5 of them) contributed one penny to ANYTHING and COMPLAINED about EVERYTHING. So we should all be mindful of every person's situation and try to act accordingly. They are not an ATM but should also know that it is an honor and some responsibilities do come along with it. I took care of everything when i was the MOH and gave as asked as a bridesmaid.

I'm with MsDarlin'!

MsDarlin'- that shouldn't come because they are in a WP. That should be because they are friends and you all care about each other! A title or a pretty dress shouldn't dictiate that.

But it also goes both ways. You have to be mindful and supportive of their lives as well. (not saying you aren't- just making a point).

I agree. I'd also like to expand that it's not just the money issues. I think too many brides have unrealistic expectations of their Bridal Party. I got married this year and will be a BM in 2 weddings this fall. Although neither is costing me much more than airfare, they are completely different. One bride expects the royal treatment and keeps getting upset that we aren't falling over ourselves to make magic. The other bride just wants to have fun with her girls and whatever gets planned gets planned. As a BM, I'm so much happier without all the pressure. I live in a different state them both of them. Money is tight because I just got married. Yes the weddingis all about the bride, but she's got to be realistic of other people's lives too.

Totally agree with this. One of my BM's was in a wedding in May and had to dish out $800 total for the wedding. All she did was stress and vent to me and I assured her so many time she will not even spend close to that for my wedding. I could care less if I have a shower but I know my family and bridal party is going to give me on. All I ask is the girls buy their dress and shoes which will be under $200 total. Whatever they want to do after that is up to them but I do not expect anything!

Re: ebay-bride, oh, I agree. I HATE when the guest of honor gets sucked into party-planning drama. A year ago, I was invited to attend a baby shower:

The ostensible hostess dumped all the work on another friend ("Happy Harriet") and was a total Sour Sally. I gchatted Sour Sally and asked if I should eat lunch first, or if the party was a luncheon (it was scheduled for 12:30). She sent back this ridiculously formal response that Happy Harriet was handling all the food, and I should "send any inquiries of that nature in her direction." Startled, I asked why the hostess didn't know if lunch was being served. She responded snottily, then CALLED UP THE MOM-TO-BE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT ME. The Mom-to-be started calling me and Happy Harriet to smooth things over, even though we told her she should never be involved and should just enjoy her party!

For the record, Sour Sally refused to let us play any of the games Happy Harriet had lovingly HANDMADE, then stuck us with cleanup. Rant over.

I think it is rather disrespectful to expect anyone to do anything for you. Yes, they accept being your BM because they are family/friends but that does not imply they are anyone's servants nor that they have to spend their hard earned money (however they got it) on me. I really appreciate all they do for me but I do not want to set an amount as to how much they should be spending, that is up to them.

I do not expect any kind of bachelorette party or anything nor have I ever brought that up. Shame on those who don't respect their friends and family.