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Taylor
Savvy October 2020

Psa: Don't let wedding forums dictate what you do with your wedding

Taylor, on February 9, 2020 at 11:35 PM Posted in Wedding Reception 0 18
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Wedding planning has been stressful. Between budgeting, trying to achieve the aesthetic you want, and fielding "advice" from family, the last thing you need is to listen to some stranger's thoughts on "what's appropriate". If you want to self cater, SELF CATER. You save money. Your family loves you, if you want a potluck, do a POTLUCK. A wedding is no different from any other time that you cook food for other people. Sure, it's a larger number but if people are concerned about a friend cooking the food for their wedding, then they should probably be concerned about eating at their friend's house in general. You want to make a spotify playlist and skip the DJ? DO IT. Want to have a casual park shindig with minimal decor and just spend time with family? DO IT. Weddings have become less and less about the couple and more about appearance. There have been plenty times that I've come to a wedding forum to see people being absolutely pummeled because the idea was "tacky" or "non-traditional." You don't have to prove anything to anyone. It is your day. Treat it as such. The people that are there will hopefully be there because they love you and not because you're serving a five course meal at a manor. Rant over. Enjoy your weddings my happy DIY brides!

18 Comments

Latest activity by Megan, on April 25, 2020 at 11:17 AM
  • Amy
    Dedicated August 2020
    Amy ·
    • Flag
    This! Well said
    • Reply
  • Jessica
    Expert February 2020
    Jessica ·
    • Flag

    Love! Thank you for stating such an unpopular opinion.

    Thankfully so many of my family and friends have been supportive of my deicisions and even when I can tell it's not the choice they would make they have told me that's it's our day and we should do what we want, not what others think we should do.

    • Reply
  • Melle
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
    • Flag
    Amen to that. But remember to anyone going on these forums - they're all opinions and suggestions from another person that definitely won't work for every circumstance.
    • Reply
  • Nicole
    VIP September 2020
    Nicole ·
    • Flag
    But also remember that the people on these forums don’t know you, and as such, are more likely to give you truthful information in regards to how an idea comes across to your guests. (As opposed to people who know you who may just give you lip service. When people pull out the “tacky” word, it’s definitely not often for the “untraditional” ideas but instead for the ideas that go against etiquette, which is something that needs to be paid attention to when you’re hosting people at an event like a wedding. Yes, the wedding is about the couple, but as soon as the couple invites people to come celebrate, they need to take their guests’ comfort and safety into consideration.
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  • Taylor
    Savvy October 2020
    Taylor ·
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    I totally understand wanting to take your guests into consideration but to center your entire wedding around that isn’t, in my opinion, fair to the couple getting married. I also feel like “etiquette” can be archaic in the fact that it sets rigid guidelines for an event when in actuality, the event should reflect the couple involved. So whether that’s a five course meal or a potluck, it should be down to the couple. No issue with people following etiquette but I take issue when those rules are forced upon others.
    • Reply
  • Carly
    Devoted October 2020
    Carly ·
    • Flag
    Very well said!
    • Reply
  • Nicole
    VIP September 2020
    Nicole ·
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    Etiquette is just a fancy word for being polite and acting in a socially responsible way. Going against self-catering and potluck style meals isn’t just to tell the couple to shell out money for catered food, but to keep people from getting sick. A potluck or DIY cooking for a dinner party of 20 is much different than cooking a meal for 100+ (or even 50+) people. Food safety regulations are there for a reason; undercooking or not keeping food hot/cold can lead to those ingesting it to become very sick, which the couple is then liable for. Additionally, not everyone has the same standards for cleanliness in their kitchens; I can give you multiple examples of differences in opinions on this matter just from roommate experiences. These “rules” have been around for so long because it’s just the polite way to host others.
    • Reply
  • Onya
    Expert October 2020
    Onya ·
    • Flag
    You’re spitting truth and the wedding police don’t want to hear it. 🤣🙌🏽 They can be bitter on their own. You are completely right. Everyone’s idea of a wedding is completely different. If a guest doesn’t like the idea of something they don’t have to come. PERIOD-TTTT. You can make your own traditions and customs. It’s sad how people tear ideas down because it’s something they did (that they seem bitter that they had to do). I’ve seen so many comments like “you can’t do it this way because it’s not a wedding if you do” type of comments. It’s a day you make your own and people lose sight of that.
    • Reply
  • Jeanette
    Expert July 2022
    Jeanette ·
    • Flag
    🙌🙌🙌🙌 I didn't realize this site would be like this until I spent a little time on it. I thought it would be a bunch of excited brides building each other up, but it's also a lot of... That 👆🙈
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  • Vicky
    Super January 2020
    Vicky ·
    • Flag

    Some of these things don't affect the comfort and safety of your guests, but some do. That's where you need to be careful, and that's where etiquette comes in. There are no etiquette rules about using a DJ vs Spotify. There ARE etiquette rules about having your guests cater your wedding for you (potluck). Self catering is dangerous and can easily result in food poisoning, followed by lawsuits (no, not from your friends and family, from their health insurance. They have no say in it). Tacky is a matter of taste; rude isn't. Non-traditional is fine; tradition =/= etiquette. But if you invite guests, you do have responsibilities as a host to treat them well and put their safety and comfort at the top of your list of concerns.

    • Reply
  • Sharon
    Expert September 2021
    Sharon ·
    • Flag
    You're right, weddings are stressful and everyone needs to do what's right for them and their situation. There's a difference between etiquette and tradition. Etiquette establishes certain guidelines. For example, there are a thousands posts on here about how to say children aren't invited to your wedding or how to convey the formality of your wedding . It's simple. The etiquette is that the invitation dictates all of that information. Address it to Mr. and Mrs xxxx if it's adult only, add "and family" if kids are invited. The style of your invitation will convey how formal or casual it is. But people ignore that and that's when issues arise.


    Tradition is different. Doing things just because that's how they've always doesn't work for everyone. I consider myself fairly traditional about certain things. I love the idea of doing things the way, say, my grandmother did them. However, there's been a lot of nontraditional things about our wedding. We ended up having a very small wedding ceremony thrown together quickly due to some health issues regarding my MIL. We're still planning the big, traditional wedding. Believe me, I got an earful on here about how wrong and deceitful it was for us to do both. At the end of the day everyone has to do what's right for them regardless of what others say, especially strangers on the internet.
    My personal feeling us that all etiquette really is saying is that if you're inviting people to celebrate your special day, do it in a way that celebrates your relationship but also makes your quests feel welcomed and special. It seems a lot of posts are people complaining about what they have to do for their guests and as if they don't want them to attend. Believe me, that attitude will come across day of and guests will feel that. I've been to all kinds of weddings from black tie optional with very fancy invitations to casual, weekend long bbqs with a Facebook invite. I enjoyed everyone one of them because they were true to the couples and it was about celebrating their love as it should be.
    Anyway, just the ramblings of someone who can't sleep but does see some value in knowing when tradition and etiquette are useful and when they can be tossed aside.
    • Reply
  • Chrysta
    Master November 2022
    Chrysta ·
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    Very well said!
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  • Chrysta
    Master November 2022
    Chrysta ·
    • Flag
    So many good points on this post & the replies! I 100% agree that everybody should make their wedding their own vision. It is a celebration about two people coming together, and it should reflect those two people! Personally, I do not believe in the need to uphold traditions when it comes to weddings (unless the couple wishes to do so, of course!) I do however believe that certain rules of etiquette absolutely should be followed (in weddings and just in life!). Etiquette does not dictate the type of wedding you have, it only serves as a set of guidelines to ensure that guests are hosted properly and safely. I adore non-traditional weddings.. I am having an extremely nontraditional wedding! I am definitely team nontraditional wedding LOL I think I am driving my parents nuts with most of my decisions ha ha BUT I am also being mindful of my guests and their experience. In no way will I be compromising on my vision of what MY wedding will be. But I will most certainly be respectful of my guests & hosting them properly & safely. I adore the girls on WW- they have helped me soooo much when I’ve asked questions. And they have made me look at things from a different perspective than maybe I would have prior- and I believe everyone is going to have a much better experience at my wedding because of it. I think if people are asking questions on here, then they should want truthful answers. If they are not seeking honest opinions, then why ask the question? If they are asking, it is because they obviously already have concerns of their own about whatever is being asked. Too often I see people “asking for opinions/advice”, who are really just wanting people to agree with their point of view. But that is not what this forum is about – it is for women to be open and try to help each other out with questions they are publicly asking for advice on. It’s kind of like going to a psychic and asking a question then getting mad at them when they don’t give you the answer you had wanted to hear.
    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
    • Flag

    I see both sides. I agree that everything is to what each person's group is like as well as their budget. Yes some brides on here are quick to pull the etiquette card and call other things that people do tacky. I will call someone out if they are being rude to their family or wedding party only because I think about the effects on the relationship afterwards because luckily every time I have been a bridesmaid they have been great to where we remained friends afterwards. However, I do agree with some of the people in that etiquette can cause you to not offend guests and some of it for safety purposes. I have always wanted a bridal shower but I am having a small elopement and I was quickly shut down because of the fact that it is rude to be showered with gifts from those not invited to a bigger wedding. However, we did decide to have an after party in which I will invite those people but just in case I decided to do a bridal brunch and gifts will not be expected rather just the company of my girls and I will help my MOH (who is officially hosting it) plan and pay because it is something I do want. There are many traditions I feel you can forego but some things that brides say (albeit it in a rude manner some times) has helped me think of the other side of things as a guest and some things I just say that is you and I am me and this is what I will do. I feel for some things you just have to ignore others as we all have different expectations about our own wedding or weddings we attend but some things you have to chalk it up to I know my crowd and I know what works for me and go with that. I do agree that there needs to be more uplifting here but sadly if you post something on a public place and ask for opinions you may hear what you do not want. That is why I try not to post every thing I want to know publicly as I know some of the sharks will come out lol.

    • Reply
  • Kari
    VIP May 2020
    Kari ·
    • Flag

    I agree that in the end of the day you need to do what is right for you, but forums can be really helpful for getting unbiased opinions, learn from others experiences, and get insight or different perspectives.

    Self-catering might save money, but it might not, depending on your situation. Potlucks can be great if the majority of your guests are local and have access to a full kitchen to help prep food, but would be a real headache is most of your guests are traveling. Letting guests serve themselves alcohol might save on the cost of a bartender but might be totally illegal or put a ton of legal liability on the couple too, depending on where you live and what the situation is. I suspect that most people using forums are genuinely looking for advice and not posing questions about things they've already made up their minds about and decisions they feel confident in.

    At the end of the day, nothing a stranger says should convince you to do something that isn't right for you, but these forums can be helpful as long as you take each comment as a piece of information in making your own final decision.

    • Reply
  • Chrysta
    Master November 2022
    Chrysta ·
    • Flag
    I think there is confusion between tradition and etiquette. For example, it is traditional to have a wedding catered. It is etiquette to ensure your guests are served safely prepared meals. so, if you want to go against tradition and prepare the food for your wedding yourself, that is totally fine! But you should still follow etiquette and ensure that the food is prepared, handled, and served to your guests in a safe manner.
    When people talk about etiquette on the forum, I think they are truly trying to help, not trying to Push their vision of what a wedding should be onto you. Using the catering as an example.... when people warn against all the things that could potentially go wrong with making the food for your own wedding, I do not think they are telling you not to do that for your wedding, or that it is a bad idea... they are simply pointing out the potential caveats that maybe you hadn’t thought of. I genuinely feel that most people on this site have the best of intentions and want to help each other out 😀
    • Reply
  • Meghan
    Rockstar October 2019
    Meghan ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    Agree with this 100%.
    • Reply
  • M
    Just Said Yes May 2021
    Megan ·
    • Flag

    For my wedding in May of 2021 as well we are planning to self cater. After reading some of these comments I am shocked to see how against it some people are. We are college students and definitely cant afford 1,000 dollars on food for catering. I live where food cost is very high because of tourism. I already have it set up for someone we know to cook the food which is very simple to accomplish since they have done it on multiple occasions.

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