PSA: Abusive Relationships

I know exactly which post you are talking about and I agree. Peoples true colors do come out after some time and its hard to call off a wedding/relationship, but its harder to divorce someone or get the shiz beat out of you. Family is always most important and if someone is keeping you from your family- that is a HUGE red flag.

@ Ms L - If she can prove he is leaving them there, that's a violation of his restraining order. Also if he gets other people to give her messages for him, it violates the 50-B as well. Make sure she knows that! My mom works at the court house as a court advocate for Domestic Violence and does 50-B's all day with clients that come in. I volunteered at the DV shelter she worked at before that...believe me, it's not worth being in the relationship, ESPECIALLY if you have children! Most women believe they have to stay to keep their children and stuff, but if you stay, you're more likely to have them TAKEN away from you because you're endangering their lives by putting them into the situation knowing that it is happening. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GET HELP!

http://www.thehotline.org/

It seems sometimes other can notice things you cannot. And I agree Ms L that sometimes it can be most mild mannered man, the person you least expect. Things can start with little things and escalate from there. No man or woman should keep their partner from speaking to their family and friends, better run the other way!

I know way too many people in this situation, and it seems like they all come running to me everytime and I tell them the same thing over and over and yet they are back w/ "so and so" every single time. My mom, being one of those people. I just get tired of HELPING PEOPLE WHO WONT HELP THEMSELVES. They don't want to "start over" and find someone new because it's what they're used to. I never understood all of this because I have always refused to put myself in that situation. The worst thing FH has ever done is call names and I told him if you want to stay together you need to get help, and that's what he did. I hate hearing people say that they're SO is so controlling and won't let them do this and that.. it's ridiculous! Whoo now I'm all fired up!

Ooo good thread.

I gotta add.here is a website with the phone number of the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Everything is confidential . Also many towns have shelters that you can often get free counseling from or their own hotlines to talk to someone trained.

http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/am-i-being-abused-2/

Another thing to add, I just want to put out there that (as some people mentioned in the thread Unique posted) that there are many reasons why women stay with abusers..as we all know love is a very powerful thing; often abusers have isolated the survivor (relationship-wise, financially,); if there are kids or pets involved; as well as the fact that abusers can become the most dangerous when the partner has decided/ tries to leave. I would urge posters to try to understand this and avoid blaming the victims (not that I've seen this going on, but just incase!)

Thanks again for the thread! I used to volunteer at a DV shelter, so this topic is near to my heart! :-)

My mom stayed in for 26 years. violent and tempered about 2 years into their relationship. the final straw was when he beat the shiz out of her and i saw the aftermath. i was in the shower and she stumbled through the door, face all bloody and barely conscious. I ran around the house locking all the doors, calling the police and trying to help her. i had gone to the kitchen, gotten all of the knives out of the door and held her until the police got there. I wish she had pressed charges and f*cked him royally. it would have been strike 3 for him and he still would be in jail today. I really wish that had happened.

@furture mrs. coleman, that is good to know. I will pass that info along, but I fear that she won't do anything about it, she STILL has a place in her heart for him after he nearly killed her and probably does not want him to get in more trouble, I am at least crossing my fingers that she has let go of having a relationship with him.. Sick, isn't it? But I know more people can relate than are willing to admit. Myself included.

I completely agree, I was in a really abusive relationship before and it was the darkest time of my life. It's not necessary. Dump them and move on, there is someone better for you out there!

Wow. I'm so sorry to hear about your guys's experiences/those of family members :-( I'm just pasting something from the website I posted incase someone happens to read this thread..Here are some red flags to watch out for in a relationship..n.

Does your partner:

* Embarrass you with put-downs?

* Look at you or act in ways that scare you?

* Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?

* Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?

* Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?

* Make all of the decisions?

* Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?

* Prevent you from working or attending school?

* Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it?

* Destroy your property or threaten you

# Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?

# Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?

Oh Randi, I'm sorry you ever had to witness something like that. I hope you weren't young.. My mom and her POS BF came to stay at my house this summer to try and find a place to live and he's a very jealous, angry person, but puts on a good front. My FH and I were heading out that night to go bar hopping w/our friend lets call him Peter. Well moms BF accused her of flirting w/Peter and they were arguing. My little brother who is 12 was there. Well we left and headed out, at this point we had one other guy with us, Andrew. Well 10 mins. after we leave she calls me screaming and crying and I hear my brother in the background doing the same. He had hit her in front of my brother!! So I hung up and called the police right away. He ran because he has a history of domestic violence spending years in and out of jail his whole 28 years of life! My mom swore she'd never go back to him, but sure enough the next day she was leaving to move in the middle of NO WHERE with him and my brother.

Well just make sure that she knows her options and that she can always come to you if she needs your help. I know she probably already knows that, but reassurance is key. A lot of girls don't leave because they don't have the resources and they know if they leave and come back the consequences will be even worse than if they just stayed in the first place. Just imagine feeling like you are lower than dirt, that you are worthless and useless and you're only there for sex and food. And if dinner is too cold or too over cooked you know you'll be locked in the closet all night with no food or water and be forced to use the bathroom on yourself if you can't hold it until morning. You are broke, jobless, ugly, fat, stupid, with no car and no possessions to your name. Your children "hate" you, everyone "hates" you. You have no friends, no family, no life. You have been isolated from everyone and made to feel you have nothing and no one to rely on. You are property, and nothing more.

And thank god you didn't Unique and Randi!! You two are so lucky to have broken the cycle. I actually am thankful that I went through what I did it at such a young age. I learned early what I absolutely did not want in a partner, I would never stand for anything even close to abuse now, and I think I've been able to help a lot of friends because of it too.

Everyone who knows someone in a domestic violence relationship needs to remember, it is not the victims fault. They have been brainwashed, they have been emotionally, mentally, and physically scarred into thinking they CAN NOT live without this man in their life. That if they try to leave they will die, be killed, or even worse - never see their children again. They don't say "Hey, he hit me yesterday, let's see if he can try harder today, this is fun!" They say "If I leave he'll kill me and our children". And what's worse is that most of this is genetic usually. They come from families who were involved in domestic violence, on either side. Usually the woman watched her mother be beaten and found a guy "just like daddy" to marry herself. And the man usually watch their father's so the same to their mothers and learned "what a womans place is". Not always, mind you, but it does seem to be a reoccurring factor. And then your children grow up learning the same thing.

@Unique, I had one experience similar to my moms: My ex punched me once. It was literally the last thing he ever did to me.

In return, I packed my shit up, started a rumor about myself saying I caught herpes (RUMOR, ladies lol). Left town 3 weeks later. I got plenty of calls from him and his side girlfriends begging for more information about what happened when I went to the dr. He knew I would never cheat. Then I sent my Dr bill with only the exam and testing fee's for Herpes to his dads house and wrote on it, "TESTED POSITIVE A**HOLE". Just so happens his dad and he and the same name

& THAT was the last thing I ever did to HIM.

Abuse is never the answer and with as MUCH as I love my fiancee andw ould lay my life on the line for him any day of the week any moment of the day.. hell NO would I tolerate that. It isnt a one time thing. It never is. love is love but you cant love someone until you love yourself and letting THAT happen to you, ISNT loving yourself. Not @ all.

I applaud you posters who have gotten out of abusive relationships, and those who's parents did. You have no idea how lucky you are that you have loving boyfriends, husbands, etc. that love you and care for you like a real man should. Every day you should give him a big hug and kiss and remind yourself that he may have his flaws, but he could have some that are much, much worse.

Unique...well, you didn't push him...right? Lol jk

Wow, talk about karma Unique. I'm so sorry that happened to you and am so glad you survived and have found such a good man.

It also may seem crazy...but the abusers need help too and are in their own way a victim as well. Some are evil psychopaths who are beyond help, but MOST are regular guys with some serious issues. Almost always they feel remorseful and so ashamed of what they've done. My ex has apologized over and over, years and years later and the things he did to me were truly horrifying. He has to live with that, while I have moved on!

Thing is abuse comes in so many ways. It isn't just the physical but the mental and emotional. Both me and my DH come from verbally abusive relationships. I dated this guy who would tell me he didn't like what I wore and if I did this or that it would be better. It was ridiculous. He would insult things I was doing. And my DH came from a relationship where the girl didn't want him around family and she actually would hit him and tell him he was worthless. He almost married this girl too, thank God that ended.

I am so thankful everyday that both of us got out of those relationships and found each other. I love him so much and I tell him that every day. When he at first told me about his past I didn't get it because I didn't understand how someone could treat a guy like him that way. It isn't worth it to be in relationships like that but like others have said we don't always see it at first.

Having been in a mutually abusive relationship for many many years, I can tell you this- I didn't know that a relationship wasn't a tit-for-tat battle for control. My ex is an addict and would push, scream, hit, lock me out of the house, and in return I would yell, scream and throw things at him. I was equally guilty of perpetuating the violence. We almost killed each other one night when I was seven months pregnant with my daughter and suddenly it hit me as his fist hit my face.... this can't be what I raise my daughter with. I also had a 15 month old son at the time who suffered from horrible night terrors.

I moved out the next day and my son's night terrors STOPPED!

When I met my current husband I really honestly had NO IDEA that love could be peaceful and wonderful and blissful. I had no idea that a real HAPPY relationship is built not only on trust and faith, but on mutual respect and a desire to honor one another.

I still struggle every day not to be controlling, (cont)

(cont) but I am learning that I don't need to control every aspect of our lives together because we work as a team. It is a true blessing to have that kind of peace in my life for the first time EVER.