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Danielle
Devoted August 2016

Private ceremony BEFORE "wedding" day....how to tell guests?

Danielle, on April 1, 2016 at 10:49 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 34

So FH and I have found that our wedding (4 months away) has created a lot of drama and distance between friends and family members, and a lot of stress and upset on the both of us. We are at the point where the wedding has become this huge thing that doesn’t at ALL focus on the most important thing anymore- our marriage!

For this reason, we have decided to have a private wedding ceremony with just our priest and maybe his wife/witness a week or two before the wedding. That way, we can still enjoy the moment of our wedding together without the worry that someone may try to sabotage it. That if things go wrong during the day we know- it’s ok, we already had our own private moment and nobody can try to ruin that for us.

We have already told my mom and MOH who are incredibly understanding and just want us to be happy. We also intend to tell his family, though we suspect they won't be as understanding.

Cont'd in comments...

34 Comments

Latest activity by Nonna T, on April 1, 2016 at 12:54 PM
  • Danielle
    Devoted August 2016
    Danielle ·
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    Cont'd:

    We do not want to be “fake” and “pretend” to get married again in front of all of our other friends and family- but rather would just do a celebration of the wedding and perhaps a re-affirming of our vows so that others can still be involved and still experience this. Then of course, the big party/dinner/drinks/dancing afterward.

    At the beginning of the ceremony, we want to have our priest say something to the guests to explain this is not the actual wedding and that we already had a private ceremony…but I’m not sure how to word this properly…any ideas? We want to be as diplomatic as possible and hope that our family and friends will understand.

    Thanks in advance for your help!

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  • JaKLyn
    Master November 2015
    JaKLyn ·
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    I think you should tell them before showing up to the wedding. Maybe order announcements stating that you got married on X date and will still be hosting a vow renewal or marriage celebration on your original date. I think you'll have more people shocked/upset if they find out right before you walk down the aisle.

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  • Midwest May
    VIP May 2016
    Midwest May ·
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    WHY?? Can't you take measures to avoid any issues at the planned wedding? Please give us more info...... What's the point in doing anything other than the reception? As a guest I would feel that you are being "fake" and that is pretending, just because you tell me at the beginning it doesn't change the facts, this is NOT your wedding, it is Fake and it is Pretend!

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  • Niki
    Master June 2016
    Niki ·
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    Im curious as to what kind of possible sabotage could occur where you're not comfortable having the actual ceremony in front of these people, but still okay with inviting them to a reception. It doesnt really make sense..if they're going to make a scene, chances are they'll still do so at the reception.

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  • Jeanne
    Master August 2015
    Jeanne ·
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    Why not just cancel the big wedding? It doesn't sound like you really want it and people will cause just as many issues if it's a "real" wedding or not. They might actually cause more issues because they're mad/annoyed/devaluing the day.

    Going off that point, I would definitely spread the news that the event you are hosting will not be the day you get married so people can adjust their replies accordingly (I'm not saying your event is less valid but it sounds like you have some dramatic guests who might feel that way and going public earlier might keep them away from the whole thing).

    Editing to say I don't have an issue with what you're doing BUT can you imagine already disruptive/drama inclined guests processing this information as you walk down the aisle? You don't want their first response to be as you start the ceremony.

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  • Princess Consuela
    Master November 2015
    Princess Consuela ·
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    I had a friend do a true private ceremony three weeks before the reception, and it was fine. Their invites said, "Joe and Jane got married in a private ceremony on X date. Join them in celebrating on Y date!"

    They didn't do all "wedding" trappings though, it was just a party.

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  • SimpleSeamstress
    Master June 2015
    SimpleSeamstress ·
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    Reminds me of Jim and Pam. I think you should send out wedding announcements like Mrs.Ostrich stated. That way people can know before, and ummm adjust their gift if that feels right to them.

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  • Lauren17
    Master July 2017
    Lauren17 ·
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    I personally don't understand why people get so upset about this. It's very common and guests don't usually care. She is not going to lie to them. SOOOOO many people do this for a number of reasons and really i don't think its anyone elses business. She is still hosting her guests properly and letting them know they got married privately and still wants to celebrate with everyone. Danielle i don't think its a big deal and i think you'll be fine myself if i was a guest it wouldn't make a bit of difference.

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  • S&P
    Master January 2017
    S&P ·
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    ^ FH and I just finished The Office like a month ago and all I could think during Jim & Pam's wedding was omg WW would hate this

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  • Ashley
    Savvy May 2016
    Ashley ·
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    I don't think you have to tell anyone. If it is your desire to fill guests in on your secret wedding then do so. I know a previous bride that did the private ceremony thing and didn't say a word to anyone at the big wedding. It all went fine! That's just my personal opinion, I know it varies greatly from most others. Its about you and your future husband, that's all.

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  • Kristen
    Devoted May 2016
    Kristen ·
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    We're having a destination wedding, that is basically private and then a party when we get home. It won't be a vow renewal or anything like that - we're just simply having a party to celebrate. So it's a bit different. That being said, I think what we're doing would work for you as well. Our invitations to the party say:

    My name

    &

    FH's name

    will be married on the island of St. John on May 5th.

    Please celebrate their recent nuptials with them on May 21st

    **Not exact wording, I don't have the invites in front of me, but it was something along those lines.

    Since you haven't sent the invites out, I would just adjust the invites to say what you need - so instead of "celebrate recent nuptials" you would say something like

    " Your names were married in a private ceremony. Please join us while we reaffirm our vows" ...

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  • MaddyBelle
    Dedicated February 2017
    MaddyBelle ·
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    Aww we're on season 3 or 4 of The Office. Spoiler! But I think you should let people know beforehand. You don't need to explain yourself, but I think a warning would be a courtesy.

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  • Audrey
    VIP June 2016
    Audrey ·
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    I think if the invites indicated it was a vow renewal versus a wedding, I don't see any issue. The reality is it's not different than couples that renew their vows on milestone anniversaries. While Danielle and her FH are not celebrating a milestone anniversary...it's still a vow renewal. Perhaps treat it that way for the ceremony and proceed with the original plans for the reception.

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  • Ashley
    Savvy May 2016
    Ashley ·
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    In addition to my above comment, How will anyone know? Don't fret over it and keep it quite. I would not tell anyone else besides the few that know already.

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  • O
    Super April 2016
    Ostrich ·
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    1. don't wait until they've all arrived to tell them you're legally wed. please let them know in advance.

    2. story time: I was invited to a wedding 2 years ago that the ceremony was private (only immediate family and the BP were there). then the reception was 30 min later. I didn't go. it was a 5 hour drive and just sounded dumb. I chalked it up to religious reasons and let it go.

    Then I heard from her BM's afterwards - THESE ARE HER BEST FRIENDS - that the whole thing was stupid. it was a five minute ceremony and they were all so upset they had wasted the time and money on dresses, matching shoes, etc. for five minutes and then a party. yes, it's not about the BMs but the point is, if those people were pissed, imagine how your guests will feel when you do this to them.

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  • Kristen
    Devoted May 2016
    Kristen ·
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    ^^^ Yes, that would be annoying & a waste of money!

    I didn't do any BP for that exact reason!

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  • Nonna T
    Master April 2014
    Nonna T ·
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    Ashley, please.

    Sweetie, do what you like about getting married beforehand. But please let people know they will be witnessing a vow renewal. Or skip that part with the ceremony all together and have the reception.

    Sorry about the muss and fuss and if you like, spill and we are happy to let you vent.

    But the "surprise" won't go over well Smiley smile

    ps I was in WWO's shoes a few years ago and yes, BLORP to that baloney!

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  • C
    Expert May 2016
    cakewalk82 ·
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    I wish I better understood why you need to have this private moment. Can you just exclude the people creating the drama? This kind of reminds me an episode from "The Office". If you have to go the route of having your ceremony a couple weeks before, I understand the need to not want to come off fake so even though it's a bit wrong I don't think you should tell anyone. It would probably be a bit of a let down for all the witnesses. To avoid this potential let down or being fake you might just skip including people in the actual marriage ceremony altogether. It's becoming more and more common. People eloping and having a party, couples just having immediate family at their ceremony followed by a party, destination weddings followed by a party. I even went to a wedding where the couple claimed they didn't have enough chairs and that's why not everyone witnessed the ceremony. hehe. If you just invite them to a celebration(reception) of your union you win both ways. You get a private ceremony and you don't have to be fake. Good luck!

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  • twostep127
    Super June 2016
    twostep127 ·
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    @Lauren17 People do it all the time, but that doesn't make it any less rude. Everyone seems to lose sight of the real reason you attend a wedding- to watch the couple get MARRIED, not just to have a big fancy party. If you want to do the two separately, then by all means do so. Just don't insult your guests by re-enacting something they don't know already happened. Tell them you got married and are hosting a vow renewal and reception to celebrate, and don't get offended if some people take it less seriously/make less of an effort to come because of it. You CHOSE to get married on the day you did instead of waiting for the big fancy white dress party, so you can't have your cake and eat it too.

    ETA: Lauren and Danielle, not ranting at you specifically, because you both mention the importance of being honest with your guests. I've just heard the "fake wedding" thing happen too many times!

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  • Danielle
    Devoted August 2016
    Danielle ·
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    Unfortunately the main person creating the most drama is my FMIL and FH's uncle....

    She has already bought an outfit similar to mine, tried to make the whole wedding about her, and has told us previously that she doesn't support me choosing my friends/family for my bridesmaids, that I should have chosen her nieces who I don't know...his uncle also agreed I was being selfish by having people close to me...and they have both been horrible to me ever since.

    Unfortunately had I known this is what would happen I would have just eloped...but we have 4 months to go and cannot cancel without taking a huge financial loss.

    She unfortunately cannot be uninvited from the wedding...FH's uncle has decided not to come because of this.

    I am trying to take the high road for FH's sake...but I also do not put it past her to try to sabotage the wedding day at this point. I don't want her to take that from me, which is why I thought the private ceremony might solve the problem...but I also don't want to hurt other friends/family.

    Just in a tough place...either I am unhappy the day of wedding....or everyone else is....

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