Private ceremony BEFORE "wedding" day....how to tell guests?

Wait............. NONE of those issues are significant enough to warrant trashing everyone else's experience (everyone else includes you guys). It's time you start building a thicker skin.

Why isn't FH handling this? I don't understand why you would let a PITA fmil ruin the experience for yourselves or all your other guests? LIMIT YOUR CONTACT with her for the next 4 months. Block her from your text, don't answer the phone, don't open the emails. Have someone attach themselves to her hip once she arrives who can stop any shenanigans before they start. Ignore her clothes, put your big girl panties on and realize you're going to be dealing with this for the rest of your life if you don't change it. You are not always going to be able to run from her antics. She will treat you the way you allow her to treat you.

I think there are plenty of reasons to have a private ceremony, but this seems like an odd one to me.

HOWEVER, I think you need to be upfront about it on the invites. Princess Consuela's suggestion of "We got married in a private ceremony, please come celebrate our marriage with us!" is spot-on.

It's not so much those things that I think will sabotage the wedding- I can get over her wearing a white dress and matching gold shoes to me- I have decided that for that she will just look ridiculous to everyone. I am worried that during the ceremony she will make a scene or tell the priest she doesn't think we should be wed...that is how much she hates me. I just know that no matter what I do her and multiple other people will cause drama on the day and there is only so much I can smile and pretend that it is ok.

Also, it is such a large wedding with so many people and so many opinions, I just feel as though it's become this big thing that isn't anything about us- but purely about satisfying our guests. I do want my guests to be happy, but I do want my actual wedding ceremony to be about us as a couple.

Ooh if the main drama you're avoiding is your mother in law and 30 seconds before the ceremony she finds out you're already legally married I can only assume she will 1000% lose it. Not only does she already not like you, she will most likely view it that you "stole" her moment to be mother of the groom and have turned her son against her. I would tread very, very carefully.

If you're really concerned she'll shout out or something can you just cut the ceremony and make the big event reception-only? If you're marrying privately that is.

Ugh, sorry she's being so rude and impossible. And seriously, what guy/uncle cares that much about what goes down at his nephews wedding, weird. Well, I certainly wouldn't judge you for whatever path you take. However, I think you can still make this a happy day without having to change or add any crazy plans. I think you should first make sure fh is on your side and willing to have a word with his mother about her behavior. If that doesn't happen or help just ignore her until the big day. Sometimes it's hard to not care about other people's opinions or feelings but at the end of all this it's about you and your day so try not to care. I had an impossible aunt that made me feel horrible about my wedding planning decisions and I finally chose to not give a rip about her thoughts and everything went fine after that. And on your wedding day, surround yourself with your loving and understanding mom and your fun and caring friends. They are going to make your day wonderful and they'll know the situation and be on your side 100% and wont let anything or anyone ruin your magical day. Oh, and I really don't think she'd actually speak up to the priest during the ceremony. Think of how bad that would make her look!

I would stop worrying so much about what other people want, I know it can be really hard to, but this day is about the two of you and your marriage. Don't let your FMIL dictate any of this. I would have your FH talk to her and let her know that if any scene is caused at the wedding that you will politely be kicked out. This is your day and I don't think you should let two people, or all of your guests that you're trying to please, ruin it for you! I hope it all works out!

I do not have experience with such a difficult FMIL however, does it bother your FH that she is being so difficult and hostile? Have yall discussed this bad relationship and how it will be handled after the wedding? You should decide now and create boundaries to avoid additional drama now or in the future

@Jeanne

We had intended to tell her about the private ceremony in advance- but you are right- either way she is going to freak out. But at least if she freaks out at the "wedding celebration" we will still have the private ceremony to ourselves to look back on as a nice moment about us and our wedding that nobody can take from us.

If she does actually pull something like that - standing there in a white dress and screaming that she objects, she will look like a complete lunatic and no one will take her seriously. Also, if she's going to do this, she'll do it regardless. And probably be 1000x worse if she knows you already got married.

The uncle, while rude, doesn't seem to be an issue. He hasn't done anything to make you think he's actually make a scene, has he?

Consider this very carefully. It seems like you may not actually be accomplishing much by having a private ceremony.

Again, attach someone to her hip who is as strong as she is and will shut her down. What other opinions are a problem? No offense but it sounds like you haven't exercised any control over YOUR event if you are feeling this way. It's not TOO late. Better to get this under control now or you will be walked over and manipulated for decades to come. It's time to start telling people , "Thank you. We'll consider that." and WALK AWAY.

PS.......... I'm not aware of any religion that requires the "anybody object" section. Speak privately with your priest and keep it on the quiet that you are omitting that part. She'll be sitting in her seat waiting for the big moment and boom before she knows it the ceremony is over and there's not a thing she can do.

Midwest aren't you a mom planning your FDIL's wedding? correct me if I'm wrong.

how would you feel if she cut you out of her life until the wedding day?

FMIL's always seem to be an issue. I'm lucky mine is wonderful. I can't believe half the wild stories on here! please promise yourselves to not be THAT mom one day...

If I acted like that, I would be getting what I deserved. I cannot imagine being the kind of person that my fdil would be in any way afraid that I would create a scene or be less than supportive in any way.

Over the last year, we've really gotten to know each other and had a lot of laughs. What stresses her stresses me so we either sit back and share a bottle of wine or dig in and fix it. I don't feel like I've planned their wedding. I am a project manager by profession and have helped in that capacity. Finding ways to help them reach their goals and meet their needs. Managing task lists, timelines, finding the resources and materials based on the requirements provided. Identifying risks and issues and offering advice on mitigation strategies. And then in the MOG role I've had a blast helping with all the DIY projects. Two different hats, two different approaches, two different sets of roles and responsibilities. But I don't think there's ever been an instant where the bride and groom feel like this wasn't their event, their vision and under their control. A project manager is never the owner of a project, so it's pretty second nature to adopt the vision of the owner.

I have, once again and head first, fallen in love with WWOstrich, on this, her wedding day. Smoochies!