Premarital Counseling Homework

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Anyway, I became very hurt. Am I overreacting? I just assumed because we're going this long without having sex that he would have answered that with a cinch and would have no problem with wanting to have sex with me.

This sounds familiar, is your book "Marriage God's Way"? Don't feel bad Cheryl. He's being honest with you that he's going to need assistance in that area. You can look at it as a journey you both can take after you're married, finding ways to express yourselves physically that comfortable and gratifiying for you both.

First of all...i think that is a great exercise. It is going to open up the lines of communication between you and your FH.

I can understand being hurt! but he may have just marked it as need effort because of a past marriage where time or children or some outside influence caused sex to be infrequent. I would continue the discussion and ask why he thinks it will take effort. It may also be he does not know how frequent you are expecting it to be, and might think you are expecting more than he thinks he can

I remember this exercise. I got a good chuckle out of my DH's expectations. I'm not sure exactly what the rest of your counseling will involve but ours dove right into sex and what our expectations were of our partner. Maybe going through those exercises will help his to loosen up with you and explain why he doesn't feel the need to have sex often. I know all guys are different. Maybe he's only use to what he experienced in the past. But it's certainly something you need to talk with him more about.

Some people just don't have high sex drives so if he falls under that category, I would imagine it would take some effort to have "frequent" sex. The act is a cinch but to get in the mood may take some effort. I think he is just being honest, which is how you should answer the questions, and I would discuss what you meant by frequent with him. You should also make sure he stops comparing his other marriage to this one, you are a different person, and will have a different marriage!

Thanks Shileta- I can't remember the name of the book. It is a Christian book though since our premarital counseling is being held at the church where we're getting married and is being led by one of the preachers.

I just get my feelings hurt so easily, and I really took it personal last night when we were having this conversation.

I would say to step back and carefully word what your expectations and how his response made you feel without being accusatory. I think the most important thing is to talk about it. I'd be upset if the same thing happened to me so that I can understand as long as you are working though things now I'm sure you'll be fine and come to a happy balance.

I agree with what all of you have said. Yes, we need to define frequent sex. I should have done that. Heck, I don't know, at least once or twice a week. Maybe that's unrealistic. I don't know.

I just asked him if we could discuss it more tonight that I wasn't satisfied with the outcome of the discussion because I left the conversation hurt and angry. He said he wasn't satisfied either. So, maybe just having more discussion about this will help. I just know I didn't feel good during the conversation or afterwards.

Though i understand not really loving to hear about his relations with his ex- it sounds to me like you snapped at him a bit when he tried to explain to you why it would be something to work on.

You need to be open listening to him about his past, because once you are married his past will affect your future together. I can tell you relations with ex boyfriends has definitely changed the way my FH and I have relations.

Cheryl - you have to be a little less sensitive and stop assuming you know what his answers are before you hear them.

I also think perhaps you are putting too much stress and so much pressure on him bringing up the topic of sex all the time. If you are in a wonderful, loving relationship with him and he is comfortable with you and knows you will love him unconditionally then the intimacy and passion will come. Don't worry.

Yeah, I guess I did snap a little when he started talking about the lack of sex in his last marriage.

Guess I should just relax. I was just taken back by his response. I shouldn't have assumed he would have rated it a cinch. Oh well, we're going to finish talking about it tonight. I'm glad he agreed to more conversation.

Thanks everyone.

You might want to ask if the lack of sex in his previous marriage was because of the ex or that it was his preference. It helps get an answer w/o going into detail and from that you may gain some insight into why he feels that way now. Be it because sex is not as high a priority for him, or having been turned down or chastised so much in the previous marriage he may have become conditioned to just not expect or need it. At any rate, it's good you guys are talking.

I think you made a mistake by cutting him off and telling him you didn't want to hear about sex with his ex. Sure you may not want to hear about it, but he was trying to open up to you about his side and where he is coming from and you cut him off. Now, he will think he has to keep that stuff to himself, and that will probably make it even harder on him to open to you emotionally and sexually.