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Just Said Yes April 2019

Pregnant Maid of Honor

Amanda, on December 22, 2018 at 12:39 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 28

Hi all! I have a question about whether or not I should be upset about my maid of honor getting pregnant months before my wedding.

I got engaged over a year ago and asked one of my best friends to be my maid of honor. I was recently her maid of honor and had to sacrifice a lot of time, energy, and money to make her day everything she dreamed of - including planning her bridal shower, bachelorette party, and many of the wedding details. I had a lot going on in my personal and professional life at that time, but made many sacrifices to make sure she remained a priority. Although I asked her to be my maid of honor over a year ago, she recently told me that she and her husband are pregnant. She will be about 8 months at the time of my wedding. This is her fourth child and I have been excited for each one, but this pregnancy is a little different because her husband has been cheating on her for about a year. I was not entirely in favor of the marriage to begin with due to their underlying problems that I believe needed to be addressed, but I continued to support her anyway because she is my friend, and she was determined to make their relationship work because of their children. Importantly, she told me that she did not want to have any more children with him and had been taking contraceptives to prevent this. I suspect that she intentionally stopped taking her contraceptives to get pregnant in an attempt to save her crumbling marriage, without thinking about the consequences for herself or child. It feels selfish of me to say, but I cant help but feel that she also was not thinking about me. She was aware that I needed her help with the planning and logistics of the wedding because I do not have a planner, and also that I based the entire bridal party dresses and floral colors on her maid of honor her dress that I picked out specifically for her. All of the dresses have been ordered and paid for and are very form fitting. Additionally we planned a Caribbean bachelorette party and several other trips that she will no longer be abel to go on due to risks associated with the pregnancy. I want to be happy for her, but I feel that she got pregnant purposely for the wrong reason. I am extremely frustrated with the decisions she has been making recently, but I feel horrible bringing this up to her and am not sure how to address the situation without sounding selfish. Am I wrong?

28 Comments

Latest activity by Joanna, on January 9, 2019 at 6:34 PM
  • Kenisha
    Champion June 2019
    Kenisha ·
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    No you shouldn’t be upset your MOH is bringing new life into the world 🌍 so yes you’re wrong.
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  • Katie
    Devoted August 2019
    Katie ·
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    There's a lot of assumptions and your opinions about her relationship here. If she really is going through all of this, it sounds like she needs support from her friend, not judgment.
    I would imagine you asked her to stand next to you because she is important to you. Try to remember the significance of that. When the wedding is over, you won't be focused on how your shower or bachelorette went. You will look back at memories with the people who were with you.
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  • Mrs.Married
    Devoted September 2017
    Mrs.Married ·
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    Yes, you are wrong.

    Stop for for a minute. Your BEST FRIEND is obviously having marriage issues. She’s pregnant. If SHE is happy to be pregnant, YOU should be happy she’s pregnant. Your wedding is a party. A celebration. A one-day good time. No ones life should revolve around it, not even yours. If you need a planner so badly, cancel one of your fancy vacations to pay for it instead of being upset that your MOH isn’t stopping her life to be your planner. And honestly, if she has 4 kids, being in a wedding shouldn’t be a priority for her. At the end of the day, the MARRIAGE, both yours and hers, is way, way more important than the wedding.
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  • A
    Just Said Yes April 2019
    Amanda ·
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    Hey I agree with you that she needs support right now. Ive been suggesting that they go to therapy, even before their marriage, and have tried to be in her corner throughout what she's going through with him being unfaithful. I'm not trying to be judgemental. She told me that she stopped taking her BC, so I did make the assumption that she did it to get pregnant. Despite that, I am trying to keep the bigger picture in mind. She's my friend and I love her, but I'm just frustrated by the situation.

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  • A
    Just Said Yes April 2019
    Amanda ·
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    Im not sure if she is happy about it. I think she's in a bad situation and doesn't know how to make things better. But I hear you and I'm trying to be there for her. I agree that she has a lot going on in her life and I don't expect her to prioritize my wedding over her marriage.

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  • Mrs.Married
    Devoted September 2017
    Mrs.Married ·
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    Well at the end of the day, there’s not a lot she can do about it now, so what’s the point in making her feel worse? Be a friend to her, and perhaps see of a single member of your bridal party can take the lead in a few things. My girls divided a lot of stuff up and everyone was happy.
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  • Kelly
    Champion October 2018
    Kelly ·
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    Just because you chose to help with a lot of her wedding planning does not mean she is required to do the same for you. I would not talk about the wedding with her and just try and be there for her as a friend. All she needs to do is buy a dress and stand up next to you.
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  • Colleen
    Master September 2019
    Colleen ·
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    You are wrong.
    first off if she is in a bad marriage she may feel stuck for a number of reasons.
    two a lot is us don’t gave a planner. We do not expect everyone to stop there lives and devote it to your wedding.
    Third pregnant women can still
    word and do things.
    fourth do not adress the problem. What would you say? That you are mad she got pregnant when she is helping you plan the wedding. If you say that you would not have to worry how her dress fits her. You would have to worry about losing a friend.
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  • Savvy May 2019
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    One of my bridesmaids is pregnant and the first thing I thought when she told me was pure joy for her and her husband. I was devastated to think she’ll miss out on my bachelorette party and will be nearly 8 months pregnant at my wedding so she certainly can’t drink and dance the night away me but I could NEVER be angry with her. I’m sorry but you are being very very selfish, regardless of the number of children she has.
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  • Victoria
    VIP October 2018
    Victoria ·
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    No, you shouldn't be upset or angry she is pregnant.

    But, you have every right to be frustrated. Not because she'll be pregnant for your wedding, but because of her poor decisions in staying with her cheating husband and getting pregnant to try to save her marriage (never a good idea). It's always frustrating to watch someone you love spiral out of control like that.

    The most important thing you can do right now is support your best friend. She's married to a jerk who obviously doesn't love or respect her. It's a bummer she won't make your bachelorette party and there's a chance she may not even make it to your wedding. But she didn't do this to ruin your wedding experience.
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  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    You are being selfish and you should absolutely feel horrible bringing this up to her because it's ridiculous. It's not your place to dictate how she handles her marriage or if/when she has children. It's also not her responsibility to plan your wedding or your parties. Sure, you need help with planning the logistics of your wedding. You're marrying another person, correct? Ask them for help.

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  • Chandra
    Master May 2019
    Chandra ·
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    "I cant help but feel that she also was not thinking about me. She was aware that I needed her help with the planning and logistics of the wedding because I do not have a planner.."

    This statement kind of contradicts the fact that you dont expect her to prioritize your wedding.
    It's not your place to intervene in her marriage, trying to be helpful or not. Just be her friend, be there for her, and dont be upset that she's pregnant.
    You and FH should be the ones most involved in planning anyway.
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  • Monica
    Devoted July 2020
    Monica ·
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    Agree with everyone else.

    It’s okay to feel let down about your expectations not being met - but ultimately you have to realize those expectations are unrealistic and unfair to put on your MOH, and move on and be happy for her.
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  • Margaret
    Dedicated December 2019
    Margaret ·
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    You're wrong, sorry.

    Whether you agree with her choices or not, they're her choices to make, it isn't up to you to approve or not.

    As for her being pregnant when you get married, do you expect her and your other bridesmaids, to put their life on hold for your wedding? Life doesn't work like that.

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  • Mrs. S
    Master November 2019
    Mrs. S ·
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    No this is her life and a baby is a big deal. You should be happy for her.
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  • Joanna
    Devoted February 2016
    Joanna ·
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    You are wrong. So very, very, wrong.

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  • Fwbride
    Super July 2024
    Fwbride ·
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    I’m not going to tell you you’re wrong or right. All I can say is I know how you feel. My best friend is very impulsive and makes the absolute worst decisions. She has 3 kids from different dads, married a horrible man everyone told her not to and divorced him a year later. She spiraled out of control last year and ended up sleeping with my now ex-fiancé. We’ve since gotten over it and mended our relationship, but I can’t help but think that if I had brought it to her attention the her behavior was unhealthy, maybe I could’ve saved her and I a lot of heartbreak. She still does crazy things every now and again and every time I call her out on it because I love her and I’m not going to stand by and let her keep ruining her life.

    So if you choose to talk to her, come to her as her best friend and talk about how you feel she’s hurting herself in the long run. Don’t make it about you or your wedding. She NEEDS you more than you need her right now.
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  • Eamsee
    Super June 2019
    Eamsee ·
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    You're completely out of line here. The inner workings of her marriage are quite frankly, none of your business. She may come to you in times where she needs support, as that's what friends do, but for you to take things that she has said to you in confidence and then turn around and judge her, her marriage, and her pregnancy? That's very inappropriate. You should be happy for her and her pregnancy, not worrying about yourself and your wedding. If my MOH got pregnant and was 8 months at the time of my wedding I would be over the moon for her. I'd buy her some nice flip flops in case her feet swell and make sure she had transportation on hand in case she needed to leave early due to being tired or not feeling well. I wouldn't be putting her marriage and pregnancy on blast on the internet. Think about how she would feel if she read what you wrote, knowing it was about her?

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  • Alyssa
    Master December 2019
    Alyssa ·
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    People still make their own choices in the year leading up to your wedding

    if she chose to stop her contraceptive after having 3 kids she knew what she was doing and wanted the child

    to be honest I have a pregnant bridesmaid and another who is trying to get pregnant

    its their life to choose when to add to their family... I also already ordered dress for the one who is hoping to conceive and if she does we will get another because her family is more important than 1 day for us

    im sorry you’re feeling mistreated but I think more maybe stems from you doing things for her that you didn’t really want to and then expecting she would do the same and she’s not: she’s putting her marriage and family first but I don’t think you should be too angry and upset because that’s what people are supposed to do

    its better for her if that’s what she’s believes. If you think the kid is a mistake I think you probably should not tell her that. I think those are sentiments I would try to learn how not to feel and definitely wouldn’t share with someone I consider a friend or love
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    "It feels selfish of me to say, but I cant help but feel that she also was not thinking about me. " You are right, it is selfish of you. A decision on her part to have a child is absolutely no e of your business, e ER, for any reason. And it is not up to you to make judgments about the internal workings of other people's marriages. . . No one but you and FI need put your wedding at the central place in life. Your wedding is one of many nice celebration events in other people's lives that the wedding party shares for a few days. They need not structure any other part of their life, especially life changing things like pregnancies, around someone else's wedding. Bachelorette parties are optional events, no one is required to go. Pick a new dress for her, or get material to alter the one she has. She can wear a different dress, in nice color, to match or contrast with others. Be gracious and happy for the child she wants, which is more important than your wedding. Your marriage is equally important. But a wedding, or party, no. Why did you pick her? Are you truly her friend? Life is not all about you, and I think you need to step back and look at the whole picture, not frame someone else's life events in terms of how they affect your plans about parties and dresses.
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