Pre-marital Counseling Woes

From there he launched into this huge spiel about how we are not on equal planes in our spiritual beliefs, and how we may feel we are leading Christian lifestyles, but he doesn't consider us Christians, and that his job as our marriage counselor is to be able to say that God blesses our marriage and he doesn't feel that he can do that, and he won't continue to counsel us until we get spiritual counseling.

I absolutely refuse to get spiritual counseling. Neither of us feel we need it and we don't feel that someone else has the right to judge the authenticity of our beliefs or tell us whether our beliefs meet God's standards (to us, only God has the right to make that judgment), especially after a 45 minute Skype meeting and knowing next to nothing about us.

I have no idea what to do next. Do we discuss our frustrations with him? Go to the head pastor with our concerns? Look for a different church all together? This just infuriated me so much I needed to get it off my chest!

What?!?! Crazy! I would talk to the head pastor and if he reacts the same as the marital pastor, look for a new church is my suggestion.

I am so sorry to read this! I have no idea how to appoach the religious aspects of this, but I'm really bummed the church is passing this off as 'pre-marital counseling' when it sounds more like 'religious bullying and blackmail.'

I wish I had something helpful to say. Just know you have my sympathy.

I feel like something is being left out. From what you have said, I am not sure how he made that assumption. Did yall discuss spiritual things with him like about your walk or anything? Do you think he has preconceived notions from someone else? This seems strange...

We talked about our upbringing in the church a little bit. I grew up in the same church my whole life. My FH was an army brat and was attending a new church every other month while his parents tried finding a new home church in their new city (and by the time they found a church they liked they were moving again), and the pastor cited my FH's attendance at many churches to be detrimental to his spiritual health and part of the reason we weren't "spiritually compatible." It baffles us because we can't think of anything we said that would illicit this response,It's not we told him that we worship Satan and burn cats in alley ways for fun.

Wowwww...I'm really sorry you had this experience. I think his approach was just awful. Besides, if he just met you he has no right to judge you. I would definitely speak to someone else! And I think you have every right to be upset! I hope this is a misunderstanding and can be worked out...

I can't believe he even would say that. I am so sorry you are dealing with that

How can you not be "spiritually compatible"???

If you both believe in God, then you should be "spiritually compatible".

That just doesn't make any sense! You should definitely talk with the head pastor of the church to see what he has to say. If he says the same thing, then maybe you should look into another church.

Good luck.

WHAT!!!! What did he mean he didn't think you guys were Christians? Are you having goat sacrifices in your basement or something? That's such a hurtful thing for someone from your HOME church to say. Wow. I'm not familiar with what spiritual counseling is, can you explain it?

I've always been curious as to what sort of training pastor counselors get. I had an experience with one when I was a teenager that not only ruined me for years, but made me leave the church (I was on the brink anyways, but eventually came back around to Christianity years later). I've seen quite a few non-religious counselors since then, and now work in mental health myself, but I've heard quite a few stories like yours where someone who is supposed to help and support you ends up judging you and condemning you instead. it's extremely unprofessional and unethical from a non-spiritial standpoint, and sounds very un-Godly to me. That's also a pretty high freaking horse if this guy thinks God has appointed him to judge your relationship. I'm really sorry you had this experience, it sucks.

Edited for clarity.

I thought pre-marital counseling didn't have any wrong answers--that it was more about addressing how to deal with stuff and better communication, etc than "you're doing it wrong". I'm sorry he was so judgmental.

Do you guys have the option of meeting with a different pastor in that church? Given your situation, could you get permission to pursue pre-marital counseling through another church where you are? Could you go to a private marriage counselor not through the church and have them talk to the church?

Wooooow! This is exactly why I stopped going to church. They feel like they know what God wants. Man wrote the Bible! The more I went to church, the more I noticed how hypocritical everyone was there. I can't stand preachers and priests that tell you that you're not right with God for whatever reason. Isn't God all about love? I continue my relationship with God from home, but was told by my mother that it doesn't count unless other people are worshiping with you. So dumb. I'm so sorry you're going through this! I'd try to get in touch with the head pastor and if that doesn't work, find a other church.

Wow, I'm wondering if this is something this pastor does to all couples... I would speak to the head pastor because that interaction really makes no sense.

This is awful, and really surprising given that he is a non-denominational pastor.

I would definitely bring this conversation to the head pastor's attention-- maybe approach it as requesting a "second opinion". If he defers to the Marriage/Family Relations Pastor's opinion-- I would certainly find another church. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life!

Thank you so much, ladies! I really appreciate your feedback and support! This is just soooo frustrating and I really needed to vent a little. I will definitely be giving the head pastor a phone call tomorrow to speak with him about this.

@Silan, I've never really heard of spiritual counseling before either, so I'm not entirely sure, but the way he explained it made it sound like we would use the counseling sessions to focus on and figure out what our spiritual beliefs are, and ask and have answered any religious questions that we had to help clarify our beliefs. I can definitely understand how that would be beneficial to someone in a spiritual crisis, but we aren't. Every single belief we have may not align perfectly with the church's view, but I feel like that's true of everyone, and I don't feel that that warrants spiritual crisis. We're not having a spiritual meltdown, just trying to get married haha

@kahlcara, I really like your suggestion of seeking a church in the area to do counseling! Depending on how the talk with the pastor tomorrow goes, I might bring that up, because I would definitely prefer sitting down with someone in person to do the counseling, and it might give us a little more flexibility with scheduling times to meet.

@Melissa, I definitely understand your frustration with the church! Faith and beliefs are a personal choice...pretty sure theirs a Bible verse somewhere about how it being better to worship in a closet than in front of others for show We don't attend church every Sunday, we do when we can but it isn't that big of a deal if we miss a service. Pretty sure God isn't judging me for my mediocre church attendance (and if He is there are missionaries in Africa who don't have a church to go to on Sunday and are lower on the totem pole than you and me haha)

@ Jesse's Girl- I think the spiritual counseling is like reconfirming your spiritual beliefs with a church leader. I know in the Catholic church, if initiated adults are away from practicing the religion for a while, the deacon or priest will suggest that they go through re-initiation courses to become closer with the church again. so if you or FH had stated that you havent been to that church or church in general in a while that could be why he suggested it.

even so, I am marrying a non catholic in a catholic church after living with this non catholic before marriage in a church that i have been a member of for less than 1 year... and the priest had no problem adding us to the church events calendar... your pastor situation is very strange if you ask me

This judge-y guy seems drunk on power (maybe he should turn the mirror on himself!) and does not seem worth your time. Who gave him the right to say who is Christian and who is not?! These types of big-headed people seem to always be getting themselves in trouble and eventually making a bad name for themselves and their church.

If you are set on getting married there, see if you can get reassigned to someone else. Otherwise, could you fake your way through it? Maybe if you stroke his ego and make him feel like he made a big difference, he'd leave you alone!

I am so sorry! That is awful! Maybe connect with the head pastor and let him know how rough this meeting was with the marriage counseling pastor! How frustrating!!

Our premarital has done nothing other than bring us closer together and help us be better for one another.

Find a different church. It's just that simple!!!!! I'm getting married in a church where i don't normally attend. We have our own officiant, but the church provides one for those who don't have one. I'm assuming you have other churches near you with other pastors. If I were you, i wouldn't want anyone like that to marry me and FH anyway.

This is why I had a beach wedding….that's horribly judgmental. I would find a different church.