Postponed the ceremony and reception (thanks coronavirus!) but elope in secret?

I think if you're old enough and mature enough to get married, you should be mature enough to admit it to your friends and family. Lying to and deceiving your loved ones is no way to start out a marriage and is sure to damage at least some of your relationships.

You don't want to start a marriage by lying to your friends/relatives. What happens if you accidentally slip up and say something? Definitely rude and might be really hurtful for some.

Unsure as to why it has to be a secret. Elope, share the news then celebrate with everyone later.

If your friends and family wouldn't attend your celebration because you had to get married in advance due to a worldwide pandemic, are they really the kind of people that you would want there anyway?

If you think they'd be hurt if they missed the ceremony imagine how hurt they will be if they find out that you got married and lied to them about it. One of my sisters secretly eloped on Labor Day and lied about it. We found out the very next day because a marriage is public record. Our relationship hasn't been the same since. I personally don't know anyone of my friends or family that would boycott a vow renewal because the couple felt the need to get married first for whatever reason. You can also do all of those things at a vow renewal so you won't be robbed of any experiences by deceiving your family.

I've never understood the point of lying about being married. Especially in the current circumstances, I'd expect most rational people to be understanding of this decision, if you and FH think it's the best thing for you. But, if the people you're concerned about aren't rational or understanding, then like others, I don't understand how lying about your elopement is likely to make things better. It's REALLY hard to keep a secret like this. Since marriage records are public documents it is HIGHLY likely some people will find out and once they do, it's not a secret. I can't imagine how people who are so petty that they wouldn't come to a marriage celebration following an elopement would not make an even bigger stink when they find out you kept your marriage a "secret." These scenarios always make me think of middle schoolers who thrive on drama -- the best way to stop it is to face it head on with the truth: "the world is turned upside down and we decided it was most important to us to get married asap, we look forward to celebrating with you later!" You potentially have good reasons for getting married sooner and celebrating later; if people don't understand that, I wouldn't worry about them. Also, if you only want to hear from people who agree with you, asking for feedback on a public forum probably won't be very satisfying.

Okay, I might be in the minority here, but I think the poster is totally in her right to do this. If you go down to the courthouse and sign some papers for financial/legal reasons, would you really feel married? I wouldn't feel married until my family and friends knew and we said our actual vows to one another. Any couple can go down to the justice of the peace, chapel, wherever and sign papers. But it has to happen in a meaningful way to the couple for it to feel real (going to the courthouse does feel like that for so many people).

I also agree with the original posters that people aren't as engaged and excited about the wedding of someone who is already technically married. It sucks, but its true. I knew a couple people who got married at the courthouse for legal reasons and had a wedding later on and everyone during all the events was always joking they were already married. It didn't feel the same as a guest either. I'm just being honest.

I know with COVID people may have a different mindset, but everyone does things for their own reasons. It isn't fair to call people who get legally married for financial or legal reasons and then want to have a big day where it is safe for family and friends to be there and where they actually feel married liars.

Okay, I'll get off my soapbox