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Jai
VIP May 2020

Politics are hurting my marriage

Jai, on November 11, 2020 at 6:29 AM

Posted in Married Life 100

Unfortunately, the only topic my husband and I never discussed before marriage was politics. When we got together in 2017, Trump was already in office. This time around I voted for Biden and he voted for Trump. Politics has ruined two date nights. It's gotten to the point where I had to set...
Unfortunately, the only topic my husband and I never discussed before marriage was politics. When we got together in 2017, Trump was already in office. This time around I voted for Biden and he voted for Trump. Politics has ruined two date nights. It's gotten to the point where I had to set boundaries and say no politic talk in our home. Each time it comes up we argue, we cant discuss it calmly and it hurts. I'm not deeply involved in politics, but he wants to keep discussing it after we agreed not to because he likes to. For me I'm in the social work field &whoever gets in for president can impact the resources I can use in my field for clients (I work with low income, homeless, LGBTQ, minorities etc) so it matters to me. We are currently looking for a marriage counselor. We have big blow out arguments at least once weekly. Last one was Saturday, then again last night. I'm at my wits end. At the end of the day I love him and I know who we both vote for shouldn't matter. But it keeps getting worse between us to the point I had to ask for space Sunday just for a few hours to relax calmly; I went out shopping and listened to music while he went to the storage shed to organize things. Has anyone else experienced this? I just needed to vent and for me, this forum has always been a safe place to do so

100 Comments

  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    Thank you for your support I really needed it and appreciate it
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  • M
    Super October 2022
    Michele ·
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    Kudos for the work you do! So sorry this is happening!

    For most people, their ethics and morals ingrained through a wide variety of factors, largely the family they grow up with. If that is on the negative spectrum, it will take a miracle before a 180 of those beliefs/morals can occur. Most people would have thought the pandemic (the closest to an apocalyptic event in this century) would do so, but instead it created a deeper divide rather than helping people become more empathetic. People have to want to change, and if they choose not to, then become their main scapegoat.

    Try counseling and see if it helps. If it doesn't then it might be time to go separate ways.
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  • A
    Super September 2020
    Alli ·
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    Yup, end of story.
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  • T
    Super April 2021
    Tiger Bride ·
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    Hey girl. I'm sorry you're going through this. I have a few thoughts, I hope you'll find them helpful. For context, I am a 2x Trump voter.

    I have friends on both sides of the aisle and some who do not align with one or the other. I've lost friends because of who I've voted for, but among the people I'm still friends with, we often steer clear of politics.

    I would, however, have a hard time being married to someone who was on the other side of the aisle because of how close that relationship is. My FI and I are mostly aligned, although he is pro-life and I am a moderate on abortion (it's wrong but should be legal, with some limitations). We do see each other's POVs however.

    It sounds like you and your DH do agree on a lot of issues, but have arguments on a few issues where you disagree. I think the best outcome here would be if you could both learn from each other's perspectives and opinions. If his point is that many people who are low income and homeless contribute to their situation by making poor choices, perhaps he could come to the view that efforts should therefore be made to equip people with the resources to make better ones. This might eventually lead to him volunteering for literacy, or to mentor someone, etc. I don't know that either of you are right or wrong necessarily, but you have very different perspectives - both of which are valid.

    I will say on something like low income housing and housing for the homeless and your ILs deciding to move away, the reality is that property values go down and crime rates often do go up in neighborhoods where low income housing is built (there are studies I can link, but I don't really feel like this is the venue for that). People are entitled to live where they want and I don't think you should be upset at them for choosing to move.

    Lastly, this is semi-relevant, but I truly detest when people say a person can't vote for a certain candidate because they are (race/gender/sexual orientation). People are individuals and are free to choose whoever they want to vote for. Based on exit polls (not perfect, but the best information we have), Trump earned more of the POC vote than any Republican in 50 years. Almost 1/3 of LGBT people voted for him. Maybe that's you and maybe that's not. But it is wrong to say "you're [x], you have to vote for this candidate". (Not that you did this, OP.)

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  • A
    Super September 2020
    Alli ·
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    Wow wow wow. I feel for you. This is not about politics, but more or less emotional intelligence and whether or not he has the capabilities of higher moral and ethical values. To be honest, you two should still be in “honeymoon” phase since you’ve only been together a few years! My husband and I are interracial and it has not affected much at all, mainly because we are on the same page and always have been. We also get taxed rather high and have never been on assistance a day in our lives, but we are all for helping those in need (and if you break it down, not much of our taxes are going to that system)... my best friend ended her engagement over “politics” aka morals and ethics because they were not from the same background at all. I personally wouldn’t want to be with someone of that nature. But I truly wish you the best 🤍
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  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    I'll def try counseling and I wont mind doing what best for me. I have to
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  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    I appreciate this. I could care less where my inlaws move I dont like them anyway. I am willing to learn but I dont think he is. So I can only do so much
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  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    Thank you I want things to get better and it really does have me thinking if I wanna be with someone of this nature. To top it off we go on our honeymoon the week of Thanksgiving and have even talked about cancelling it due to differences
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  • Samantha
    Expert October 2021
    Samantha ·
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    Sounds to me that the root of the issue is respect. He has the right to his ideas and feelings as do you. What he doesn't have the right to do is bulldoze your boundaries. You have repeatedly asked him not to speak about this subject, yet he presses on. If he is unable to respect your boundaries, he is breaking the fundamentals of a relationship. If you unfortunately come to the conclusion that you must move on, please privately speak to an attorney before announcing anything. You should know your rights and be informed of how to protect your assets. I hope that you are able to work things out.
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  • Allison
    Savvy June 2022
    Allison ·
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    So for me personally, my political views are my moral and ethical views so it was important for my life partner to have similar views. I know politics is not a deal-breaker for everyone, I know that everyone doesn't take politics as seriously as I do.

    The red flag for me for your post is the fact that you have told your FH multiple times that you don't want to discuss it, and he keeps bringing it up. Is he bringing it up to you to start a fight? is it a super important issue to him? Is he trying to rial you up? He is not listening to you and it seems like he has been ignoring your wishes. I could consider it a red flag, since my partner is not taking me seriously or respecting my wishes. This can be a larger issue, which is what I would bring up in counseling.

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  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    Thank you I hope we can work things out. If not I will definitely protect my rights and assets. Unfortunately we did not have a prenup signed.
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  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    Politics are important to him and sometimes I wonder if he does it on purpose since he knows how it impacts me. And I'm starting to see that political views are very similar to ethical and moral values
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  • Roane
    Dedicated December 2021
    Roane ·
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    Personally, I find when white people wanna keep talking about politics, even when you're trying to drop the conversation in order to get along, it's because they like watching you react. I don't know your husband obviously, but every conversation I've personally had with a Trump voter, where I was clearly trying to change topic and they keep pushing, always ends in "don't you agree? Are you scared to agree? You have no good point and that's why you're not saying anything."
    Basically, "Oh, I can't get the gay biracial guy to agree with me for token validation? I'll belittle him for not entertaining me."
    Everyone has the right to their feelings and their vote, but they do not have the right to your attention or time. Husband or not, you are allowed to end a conversation. He is being so incredibly, and repeatedly, disrespectful.
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  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    I agree he really is and has crossed boundaries numerous times
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  • T
    Super April 2021
    Tiger Bride ·
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    Oh of course. I think there has to be a willingness to learn and be understanding and respectful on both sides when you marry someone you disagree with ideologically. I'm surprised this didn't come up before, especially when it's so important at least to him!

    I'm not sure if this would be helpful, but I wanted to throw this article out there in case it is - both of these people are very prominent political analysts/consultants; her on the right, him on the left. I've always been amazed by their marriage.

    https://www.theadvocate.com/baton_rouge/news/education/article_02d02290-28c1-11e9-9bd1-5bfe28919a73.html

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  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    Thank you!! And I'm surprised we didnt discuss this before either
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  • CountryBride
    VIP April 2022
    CountryBride ·
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    My fiance is independent and most of the time votes for democrat however he did vote for trump. I am a republican we both agree on the following lgbtq, abortion, pro gun etc, we have a calm discussion about it we use words like what do you think and why there are a few times he has broaden my way of thinking and vise versa. before we had our daughter Hailey he was pro choice after we had her he became pro life.

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  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    My hubby is aggressive verbally so it's hard to have a calm conversation with him. Its aggravating. And draining. I will keep trying tho with him to talk things through
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  • CountryBride
    VIP April 2022
    CountryBride ·
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    Counseling is a good idea I would ask him to write down his views and than you do the same maybe that can work if he is passionate about this it’s hard to ask him not to talk about it however he needs to talk about it respectfully
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  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    That is true. Thanks for providing me with another way to think about this
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