Jai
Rockstar May 2020

Politics are hurting my marriage

Jai, on November 11, 2020 at 6:29 AM Posted in Married Life 0 100
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Unfortunately, the only topic my husband and I never discussed before marriage was politics. When we got together in 2017, Trump was already in office. This time around I voted for Biden and he voted for Trump. Politics has ruined two date nights. It's gotten to the point where I had to set boundaries and say no politic talk in our home. Each time it comes up we argue, we cant discuss it calmly and it hurts. I'm not deeply involved in politics, but he wants to keep discussing it after we agreed not to because he likes to. For me I'm in the social work field &whoever gets in for president can impact the resources I can use in my field for clients (I work with low income, homeless, LGBTQ, minorities etc) so it matters to me. We are currently looking for a marriage counselor. We have big blow out arguments at least once weekly. Last one was Saturday, then again last night. I'm at my wits end. At the end of the day I love him and I know who we both vote for shouldn't matter. But it keeps getting worse between us to the point I had to ask for space Sunday just for a few hours to relax calmly; I went out shopping and listened to music while he went to the storage shed to organize things. Has anyone else experienced this? I just needed to vent and for me, this forum has always been a safe place to do so

100 Comments

Latest activity by Shell'a, on November 18, 2020 at 4:34 PM
  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    My husband and I don't agree on abortion so we just don't talk about it because it would lead to a disagreement. I know my grandmother's co-worker said she is the only one in her family who voted for Biden so her and her husband don't discuss politics either. I think the most logical thing would just be not to discuss it. However, it doesn't sound like your husband is willing not to talk about it. Has he said why he feels the need to discuss it when he knows it upsets you?
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  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    Sorry to be blunt and I hope this isn’t offensive in any way, because that’s my last intention, but if I was a black woman married to a white man and he voted for Trump, I would be so livid I couldn’t see straight. Does your husband lack empathy in other aspects of life? I don’t have any great advice on this because I think it’s more than just politics, it’s a matter of morals, but I do think that seeking counseling is the best option for your marriage.
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  • B
    Super July 2017
    Becky ·
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    I agree with Caytlyn. This sounds like a HUGE red flag, because it is a matter of morals and empathy. Does he give reasons for his opinions or just try to force them on you? (Regardless, a marriage counselor is a good plan.)

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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    I agree with this. He needs to stop discussing it. Good idea to seek counselling.
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  • Jai
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai ·
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    He says it's because politics are important to him and he shouldn't be limited to what he can talk about in our home. I'm so willing to not discuss it at all. I would rather choose him over politics
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  • Jai
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai ·
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    I want to seek counseling to make it work. I'm so frustrated
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  • Jai
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai ·
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    He gives reasons. We both agree on guns, we r pro gun. But he doesn't like low income because since he makes so much money over 100k before taxes, he feels as though his taxes support low income n hes pissed. Ive said so many times we cant control those things so let it go. We agree on abortion, we are both pro choice. It's so draining.
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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like he feels the same way. While I agree you should be able to discuss things with your spouse it shouldn't be something that causes this much tension in your relationship.
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  • K
    Dedicated January 2021
    Kimberly ·
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    I don't have good things to say, that would be an irreparable difference for me. I phone banked for Biden. It's not a partisan matter to me, it's an ethical matter at this point.
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  • Jai
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai ·
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    I appreciate your honesty. And he does lack empathy for low income , homelessness, because sometimes he feels people put themselves there. And I have to walk away and not lose my marbles, because I work with low income etc and support them daily. I'm trying to have faith itll work out, but honestly I dont see this marriage working out because of our differences and they are huge differences. He grew up with non empathetic parents, while mine were very open minded. I'm just nervous that counseling wont work because I cant change his morals and beliefs.
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  • Jai
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai ·
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    Yes I agree. I'm afraid its costing me my marriage. The arguments are so bad it is impacting our intimacy etc
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  • K
    Dedicated January 2021
    Kimberly ·
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    I think the counselor should be able to help. There are reasons to be stay otherwise gou wouldn't question it. He didn't agree with Trump cause of Trump, it's more part of who he is as a person and that is the person you love. So what I mean is, all is not lost cause this isn't someone new, it's still him.
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  • B
    Super July 2017
    Becky ·
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    My in-laws are this way with the income thing - never mind that they worked their way up from poor. Most people don't want to be poor, so why would people put themselves there? I'm sure that you get really angry and upset, and a logical argument about poverty may not work, but does he listen to you when you talk about your work and the people who have been kicked while they're down? Have you/has he seen Sam Vines' "Boots Theory"?

    Hopefully counseling will help, because he doesn't need to be shoving it in your face.

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  • Chrysta
    Master November 2022
    Chrysta ·
    • Flag
    We have actually run into the same issue in our household. It would be much easier if you could say “it’s just politics“... but I feel with this particular presidency, it can be much more than that. It potentially reflects peoples’ core values and sense of morality. I was absolutely livid with my fiancé when he would defend Trump. Beyond livid, I was disgusted. I would avoid the conversation because my blood pressure would rise and I would end up feeling hate in my heart for him. I finally addressed the situation head-on. I sat down with him and had a conversation about exactly where he stood on every single issue that I felt made Trump a monster. Turns out, none of those things were things that he supported. His main issues were just military and guns. He is retired military, and comes from a long line of military family. It had just been pounded into his head, basically since birth, that he was a republican. After having that talk and going through each major political issue/standpoint, my fiancé has realized that he isn’t so Republican after all (and during the past six months, has repeatedly said that Trump is an idiot!). He still has the same viewpoints on military and owning guns, but he is vehemently against all the human rights issues, etc. that Trump has propagated. That conversation really helped our relationship a lot! I was seriously on the fence as to whether I could even be with this person prior to it. Now, I am more confident than ever that our morals are aligned. Maybe the two of you could individually write down a list of the 5-10 most important reasons you support your candidate, and then come together and discuss those things. You may find out you guys are more on the same page then you really thought. And, if not, it is best to find these things out sooner than later - especially before you have children together- so you can decide if these are things you can/want to live with. Good luck babe, I am crossing my fingers for you!!
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  • Hannah
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
    • Flag
    Yikes! Hopefully a marriage counselor will help you sort things out and communicate in a way where both of your voices are heard. However, it sounds like it isn't strictly "politics." Disagreeing on tariffs and such is 1 thing. Here, it sounds like social justice and helping low income individuals is deeply important to you, given your chosen profession (I have worked with tons of social workers and you all are fantastic). And it sounds like....he doesn't. This isn't a political difference. This a moral difference, and that may be harder to circumvent. I certainly hope you have some success similar to Chrysta, but I had similar thoughts to Caytlyn. I wish you the very best, regardless of the outcome! ❤
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  • Kimistar
    Dedicated March 2021
    Kimistar ·
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    I was reading the comments and after reading this one from you, I was wondering why you are still with him. I don’t want to be rude but what he believes and voted for is going against your actual work and career. It’s like he doesn’t respect what you do. My fiancé is a teacher and I would not vote for someone who would make education worst and his job harder. My fiancé loves teaching and I support him and his career. I do agree with others that you should seek help from a marriage counselor. Sorry you’re going through this.
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  • Jai
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai ·
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    O def we have a great connection and I wouldn't wanna lose him over our political differences
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  • Jai
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai ·
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    Yea I guess me loving him isnt enough and I'm starting to see that. He admires what I do, and was the one to encourage me to go back to school for social work because of my passion for helping people. Sadly before we got married we never discussed politics.
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  • Jai
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai ·
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    Aw thanks for your support
    I appreciate it. And this is very hard for me because I love my career and politics play an important part of the resources I can use in my career like low income housing, SSI benefits etc. I wish this wasnt creating such a rift in our marriage
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  • Jai
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai ·
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    Thank you I like the making a list part! That would work. And I def wanna figure out If this will work or not since I cant imagine having a child if we cant work through this. I dont want to be more divided.
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