Plus 1 at Boyfriends brothers wedding..

First of all, you are not a plus one because a plus one is a platonic random stranger. The minute that you and your boyfriend became serious, you became a significant other and thus you are both invited by name as a social unit. It is disrespectful for the couple who is hosting to judge the validity of someone else’s relationship based on the time together and asking the guests to celebrate the couple’s relationship while the relationship of the guests is being ignored. That applies whether the guests just got serious at 3 months, they don’t have a ring as an external symbol of engagement, they don’t live together, they live together and have no plans to ever get married, and a million other scenarios where a guest is judged as not being in a “real” relationship so they are not invited by name with their partner.


As a guest, hang out with other guests. Some people say for you to be prepared to be separated from your partner for the entire ceremony and reception. Other people say that you will be together after the ceremony. It really depends because there is no one size fits all. During post-ceremony pictures, go ahead to the cocktail hour and socialize.

I would act as you normally do as a guest at a wedding. I would enjoy the cocktail hour while the wedding party takes pictures.

View Quoted Comment Yes, she’s a plus one. Etiquette rules only require engaged or married couples to be invited together. Plus-ones are usually dates; platonic ones are very much the exception and not the rule.


OP, I’d just go to the cocktail hour with everyone else unless someone asks you to do otherwise. You’re a guest, so just behave like the other guests and enjoy yourself. 🙂

You would go to the cocktail hour to mingle, eat, drink and socialize like any other guest unless you’re given the option to come along and watch when photos are taken.

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That is an antiquated version of etiquette. Making engagements or marriage as gatekeepers for valid relationships is strongly offensive. There are many relationships that have no interest in marriage, but are still commitment-focused and should be recognized as partnerships. Were you not a real relationship before you were engaged? Did others not invite you to their weddings or did they deem you optional?

Agree with the others that you should go enjoy cocktail hour with others, unless they specifically request you to stay for pics. Some couples take two sets of family pics, one with dating partners, one without, but it is up to their discretion and schedule. I would inquire as to your driving plans and seating plans, however, as some wedding parties move as a group. Have fun.

View Quoted Comment Etiquette is there precisely so you’re not judging other people’s relationships. You don’t have to decide who’s been dating long enough to be a serious couple, you just have the standard rule that applies across the board.


The validity of my relationship has never depended on invitations. We received invitations together and separately before we got engaged, and neither one bothered us because we know there’s a simple, standard rule.

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Actually, the well-known line is at couples married, engaged, and living together. But, if a host doesn't deem a 1-year relationship as serious no matter the living situation, then they're just being ignorant and/or cheap.

It's unfortunate that neither you or your partner brought up past disrespect when the other half has been dismissed by others.

View Quoted Comment Following etiquette by definition is not dismissing or insulting anyone. That’s why etiquette exists, so you don’t have to learn everyone’s personal rules for what they think is insulting. But we’re getting rather far afield of the original question, which is just how to behave as a wedding guest.

I would head to the cocktail hour! Enjoy meeting new people and socializing with other guests. You mentioned getting along well with his family, so this will be another way to spend some time with them by attending the cocktail hour.. plus it's always more fun than standing around watching people do pictures Have a blast!

View Quoted Comment "Yes, she’s a plus one. Etiquette rules only require engaged or married couples to be invited together. Plus-ones are usually dates."


Earlier you called OP her partner's "date" and that she doesn't necessarily deserve an invite, even with a year dating. You were insulting while quoting incorrect, outdated etiquette. Etiquette is not absolute and something to hide behind. They are only common cultural mores that Reduce the potential of insulting or offending someone. You doubled down, corrected someone incorrectly, and dismissed the OP. If your circle indeed uses this criterion for events, have your friends and family even met your FI before the wedding?

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That's not accurate, according to etiquette.

Anyone that identifies as being in relationship should be invited with their partner by name. That is not a plus one and is not optional. A person needs to be invited with their partner.

A plus one is for truly single people who might want to bring a date or a friend, and these types of invitations are optional.

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That standard is decades out of date.

Marriage is not the penultimate goal for many couples and is not the measure of legitimacy of a relationship.

Act like a friendly person and go to happy hour and socialize with people while your boyfriend takes photos. Easy.

I would head to cocktail hour.
Does anyone else in the wedding party have partners that aren’t in the wedding? Those are good people to try to “buddy” up with, if you know them at all, or if they are also unlikely to know many others

View Quoted Comment Thank you! This was so helpful 😊

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I wouldn't go so far as to say there is a single standard rule on this or that it's been out of date for "decades." Ironically, it's your more traditional sources that say mature, established couples who are a social unit must be invited together and your typically more lenient sources like Emily Post that continue to this day to quote the old "married, engaged, or living together" rule. Though I guess it's consistent with the tendency of Post to be more couple-friendly than putting an emphasis on one's obligation as a host, which is the traditional view.

From Emily Post:

"Partners of invited guests should be included in a wedding invitation, whether they are married, engaged or living together, and whether or not anyone in the wedding party knows them."

Personally, I think there is a bit of a gray area even in the case of the former between high school boyfriend and an older couple dating for awhile. Of course people always have the option of not attending without their SO and justified or not, that's always the risk a couple takes.

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Again, with relationships being very different than they were 40 years ago there is less emphasis on marriage being a penultimate goal for many couples. That does not de-legitimize them, and even until recently gay couples couldn't be married at all. Does that make them less of a committed couple? I know a long distance couple that have been together for years without living together, are they not a couple? That's just geography.

Inviting one person of a couple and not the other is disrespectful to the relationship. Anyway, we're off the topic of the original post.